I can’t do it. I couldn’t take my parents money. Not because I didn’t
want to, I would have if I had been able to agree to the terms of the “loan” but because I’m just not ok with paying my parents back with all of our income tax return. We need that money to settle with the credit card company and with my
car loan company. Not to mention our medical bills and Emery’s medical bills. From when she was born. I need to fix my credit if we ever want to get our own
place again. Most apartment complexes around here do credit checks now, and
banks won’t let you buy a house if you’re credit is down the shitter. I need to
clear mine up if I ever want to get out of this “shack” we live in.
I could pay them off, monthly like you would a bank, but that’s not what
they were thinking/wanting. So, I’m not doing it. The whole processes is
frustrating because I really need a car. It’s coming to the point where my parents will take
back their truck because it wasn’t meant to be used to go to Stephenville
everyday much less Weatherford twice a week. Their truck was suppose to
be their weekend/special occasion truck. My dad wants to not have too many more
miles put on it. I don’t blame him. We’ve had enough time to gather up some
money to put towards a car but shit happens. Unexpected expenses (lawyer, court
fees, hospital bills, doctor visits) kind of kicked our asses last year (some
this year too) and we’re still paying for them.
Today “depression” really hit me. This is so fucking sad. I know people
have it worse, and I should be grateful that my family is together and healthy.
But what kind of mom does this make me? I can’t even afford to provide my family
with a decent home with a working toilet or hot water! Our “house” is a joke. I
can’t afford to get a car because a bank won’t loan me the money, and those “we
finance” dealerships are out of their MINDS when it comes to payments. I owe my
parents over $3,000 already. The real reason I’m probably losing weight is
because some days I go without eating meals because I can’t afford to spend more
than $100 on groceries. $60 of that is Emery’s necessities (diapers, milk,
lunches/dinners). I went so far as to think about entering a bunch of contests
in hopes that maybe I’d win some cash or, if I were super lucky, a car! Then I
read about how the government taxes the shit out of stuff that you “win” so I
decided against it. Yea, can you believe I even looked it up?? I’m a
desperate woman.
I’ve even been flirting with the idea of dropping out of college or just
not going back next semester. We could really use that extra $100 a week that we
spend on gas. Maybe I could go back next summer, or at least after we get
everything paid off? I don’t know. I’m just at a loss as to what to do?? Yes,
I’m feeling sorry for myself. But, hey, I’m allowed every once in awhile, when
shit gets really hard. You can tell I’m upset because I used way to
many curse words in this post.
p.s. Fuck, CANCER.
Please pray for Regan and her parents.
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