And It Hurts

I have a bad taste in my mouth. I keep feeling the tears trying to make their way out, but I turn them off just as quickly. I keep staring at his picture and wondering why on earth bad things happen? I get the concepts: Where there is bad there is also good. Without suffering there would be no compassion. I get it. I just really hate, when the bad hits so close to home.

This morning I received a call from my mother at 6 am. My alarm had gone off and I had just hit the snooze button when her name lit up. She told me that a friend of the family had died in a motorcycle accident late in the night. He wasn't someone I was extremely close to, but he was my cousin’s cousin. When we were younger we’d all see each other several time out of the year when our cousins from Georgia would come down for a visit. Since we were all pretty close in age as we got older it wasn't uncommon for me to see him around at some of the same places I frequented.

After high school he joined the army, did his tours, and when he got out he went back to school. I don’t know many details about his life but since all of our families kept up with each other I’d hear how he was doing from someone. That’s the wonderful thing about family. Everyone keeps up with each other in some way. The last time I had actually seen him was last year when he arrived at our house with one of my cousins. It was brief, and they were leaving as I was coming. But he wore that smile of his. In fact, I don’t think I ever saw him go without one. And that’s the look I’ll always remember. That’s the way I’ll always remember him.

The details are still blurred about how things happened. I won’t know much more until our family from Georgia arrives. I've tried looking at our local papers, including the surrounding counties. So far nothing has been published. It all seems so unreal. My mind keeps rejecting the idea, and I feel I need to see proof to believe it. I need to see an article, and read his name in it. Something; anything. After I got off the phone with my mother I felt like I didn't have a right to feel so saddened by this. It’s not like we were close. But I still felt like my heart was hurting. And as the morning has progressed that hurt has gotten worse. This was someone I knew. Someone I definitely cared about as one would an old friend. He was young, with a bright future. And now it’s all gone. Wiped away, just like that. And it really, really sucks. 

My prayers go out to his family. To his mother, who I can't even imagine the pain she's feeling right now. He had such a love for her and his sister. I pray for his little brother, for the grief that he must feel as well. He had someone amazing to look up to in his older brother, and I'm so sad that he was taken away. But I'm glad that they'll always have that to carry with them; the tremendous love he had for each and every one. And I pray for him; that he's in peace. 

I was truly blessed to have known such a wonderful and bright man. 

And I'll carry that with me always.  

p.s. I also want to pray for the other person involved.  He worked with my father, and we're told he was Careflighted to Dallas in critical condition. 

So Much Sadness

I am so emotionally drained.

I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions. My husband and I talked about “the incident” last night, and we are both disappointed. I really have no idea what he was thinking, but I know from experience that being under the influence of that pill really leaves you without a clue. It’s not an excuse. What he did was wrong, but he did do the right thing by giving it back. So for that, I am proud of him. My husband, on the other hand, is beating himself up over it pretty well. He says he feels like a piece of crap. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry for the things that will be said about me, for being with him. He says he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. Anytime he’d laugh he’d stop mid-laugh, and go back to being upset. I told him not to go that far. He still had me and Em. But, I did not appreciate being lied to. I questioned him some more and told him he better answer truthfully. I was in no mood to take anything else, no more lies. I feel satisfied with the answers that I got. Still, he knows what will happen if I find out that he lied to me again. Also, no more pills. If he ever does any of them again, he’ll have to leave. I think the consequences of what he did, and the falling out of some of our friends is really teaching him a lesson though. A pretty hard one.

However, I do not appreciate the threats that were made towards him. I do not appreciate the things being said about him, about us. But, I understand that we reap what we sow. I’m disappointed in some of our “friends”. Disappointed at how mean, cruel, and hurtful they are being. Disappointed at all the judgments being made. Especially when so many of them have done so much worse. Regardless of, if it were years ago or days ago. The mistake was still made. I firmly believe that you can’t be casting stones for a fault that you yourself have committed. I’m disappointed in the band. I’m disappointed at how fast people turned their backs on us. I’m just all around disappointed.

Then, I found out that this little rockstar we had been praying for, lost his battle this past Monday. I am so, so very hurt by this. I stayed up praying for him Sunday night, and begging for him to have more time with his family. Since I heard of his passing I can’t seem to stop spontaneously crying! I am feeling so much pain for his mother. I put myself in their shoes and it hurts too much. I hug Emery so close to me when I have her because I feel like I have to physically hold her and touch her to make sure she’s really here. I know that’s dumb, and I know she’s healthy. But, I feel like it just as easily could have been us. That could have been OUR story. And it makes me so sad to know that this family (or any family for that matter) should ever have to go through this. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: No parent should ever have to bury their own baby.

Maya, I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. I wish I could bring him back to you. You didn't deserve this and Ro especially didn't deserve this! And I am so very very sorry for that. 

via and original

I will never understand why children have to go through any of this. Why must they go through any pain, disease, illness, suffering, or abuse? Why won’t people stop talking about marital rights or “The Wedding”, and start talking about childhood cancer? Or Child Abuse? Or Cystic Fibrosis? Why are there so many selfish people out there that have so much money and spend it on new clothes, make-up, or cars instead of donating it to a cause? Why don’t people take any of these seriously? Why are so many of these organizations underfunded? With as much money as we pay celebrities, we could have advanced so far in research and new drugs. Hell, we might have even found something that could HELP with the money some of these people spend on SHOES! And it blows my mind. It makes me so ashamed...

And finally, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the drama. I’m tired of having to defend ourselves. I’m tired of people bringing negativity into my life. I’m tired of people being two-faced towards us. I’m tired, of everything! I’m so ready to pack up and get the hell out of here! Somewhere no one knows us. I’m wanting to have a fresh start. A new start. Just not sure if we’ll ever get one.   

Reality

I need to win a couple million dollars so I don't ever have to work again. I need it so I can also pay off all of our debt/bills, have another baby, have the surgery to shrink my tummy and get rid of the stretch marks AFTER I've had the baby, buy a house, buy us another car, be a stay at home mommy, be able to homeschool my little ones (or maybe send to a private school?), and finally to pay for their college education.

That is what I want.

Unfortunately, I will never win that money.

Unfortunately, I will spend a good amount of the money we earn paying off our debt instead of putting it away for EMERY'S college (and future car).

Unfortunately, I will have to work for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I will probably have to send Emery to public school.

Unfortunately, we'll have to depend on scholarships to help us get Emery into/through college.

Unfortunately, I will be driving around the explorer until it breaks down.

Unfortunately, I will never get that surgery, and my stretch marks will continue to laugh in my face.  

That is reality.

The point of this?

Just to let you know my reality kind of sucks right now.

I'm in a downer mood, and I feel the need to share.

Seth, Oh Hun, Why Did It Have To Be You?

"Never fear growing old; there are many who have never had that privilege."

First let me take you back about three years, to an apartment number 144, in the town of Stephenville, Texas. Now I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that have partied, wound up undressed, thrown up in someone's lap, eaten some bazaar brownies, or gotten so shit faced you can't remember exactly what happened there the night before except that it was a good time!! Those nights kicked off some of my best friendships. To those three guys I'd like to say:

"Thank you gentlemen for some of the best drunken and some not so drunken nights! Thank you for some of the best times, and for some really good laughs!"

Now, I met these gentlemen because of my friend Melissa, and once she left to San Marcos for college my times there ended. I was dealing with my own problems, trying to make new friends, and to be honest, I didn't feel like I really fit in with them once Melissa was out of the picture. So, I didn't really keep in touch. But every once in a while I would see Sino, Mike, or Seth until I finally moved away to California.

Coming back to Texas, all the guys were off in other cities living their lives! But, I found Seth right there at Hasting, preparing to make his move to H-E-B. Every time I would see him, he'd still recognize me, give me a hug, and ask me how I was doing. That’s the type of person Seth is. Always making you feel like he actually saw you. I saw him every once in a while, and at a few parties. Always the life of them, as usual. Such a funny person! When my husband met him, he had him laughing all night! My husband was barely getting to know my friends, and really making the effort to get to know them. Seth just so happened to be at one of the parties, and I remember my husband saying “Wow, that guy is hilarious! I like him. He definitely made me feel welcomed!”

Now, I’m not trying to paint the picture of me knowing him so well that we are BFFs because we aren’t. But he is such an amazing guy! So much life, so much fun! And you can see that by how much his friends really really love him. You can tell by the way he never left anyone out, and he listens. Or at least he did with me.

Last time I saw him in person he had informed me that he was joining the Navy! A few months later, he posted on Facebook that he was in San Diego, California! This past Monday, he said he would be home on Friday. Which made me smile. I know how it is to be away from all of you’re friends and family. As much fun as you’re having, you still miss them. So I was ecstatic that he would be coming to visit his old stomping grounds! Who knows, I might even run into him??

Wednesday morning, August 25th, Melissa sent me the text message that literally made my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. Seth had died, on August 24, in a car accident. Of course, I looked up his Facebook, and sure enough someone had posted it a few minutes before. Then I looked at the San Diego website, and sure enough there was an article about “A” car accident. No names. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t him? I mean, people get this stuff mixed up all the time right? Everything was going to be just fine, they would clear this up as soon as they released names, and Seth’s would not be one of them. Wednesday night, they released names.

Seth Allen Hartin, 25, of Bangs, Texas.

That made it…very real. Too real. Now you can call me a baby, or even wonder why this has even affected me if I didn’t know him that well. But, that’s how I am. If someone has come into my life, no matter how long they stay there, I feel for them. Shit, I cry when I see the obituaries EVERY TIME. And those are people I don’t even know. Death blows. It sucks. And it hurts those left behind. So even though Seth and I were not the best of friends, he was still someone that had touched my life in one way or another. And the fact that he is gone now, makes me very sad.

At first, I didn’t cry. I felt as if the world had been cheated out of someone very special. A person that was so full of life had so much to live for, was taken just like that, and it wasn’t fair. I'll admit that I was angry because he's so damn young!! That just isn't fair! He's supposed to get married, have some kids, grow old, and finally flirt with the other old ladies in the nursing home!! He was supposed to live a long, healthy, happy life!!

That got me thinking of everything. I started trying to remember everything we had ever talked about. Trying to remember all the good times at the 144. Remembering how he would tell me to stay out of trouble every time he saw me drinking. That one time he tried to help Dane give me a "bulldog" (which was not successful! Ha!). And I kept thinking, that this just couldn’t be happening. Seth wasn’t dead. He just wasn’t. He’d be here on Friday. Someone had better tell me that this was just one big joke, a pretty shitty one at that, and they better do it right now, damn it! Well by three, I locked myself in the bathroom at work and had myself a good cry. I cried for his family and for his friends. For the wife he will never meet; for the children he will never have. I cried for the people that will miss out on meeting him; the future friends he was supposed to make. I cried for his parents because having to bury your own baby is the worst thing you could EVER have to do. I cried for his friends, the ones he has shared so much with; the ones he grew up with that didn’t get to see him one last time. And finally, I cried for him. I cried because he will be coming home, but not the way he was supposed to.

To his family and friends, I can not say anything to make the situation any better nor easier. Nothing will get rid of the hurt. Nothing will bring him back. I wish that I could bring him back. With all my heart, I wish I could. But, I can only pray for you. Pray that God helps you get through this really hard time and that he comforts you as you grieve.

“I am so sorry, for you’re loss.”