A Not So Wordless Wednesday

Dear Seth,

It’s been a year my friend. Time has gone by too fast. I know you and I weren’t BFF’s or anything but a lot of the stuff you told me when we hung out has stayed with me. So guess what?! I’m actually going to school now! I signed up for classes yesterday. I’m finally getting myself educated. Throw some of your smarts my way, ok? I’d really appreciate it. 

Did you know that sometimes, I have to tell myself that you're not here anymore? I’ll walk right into H-E-B expecting you to be there. I’ll see a nice black car sitting in front of Hasting’s and I swear it’s yours. Sometimes I even “see” you in someone else. I have to do those embarrassing “double takes” and I bet those guys think I’m weird. Then, I have days where I’m just driving along and all of a sudden it just hits me, “Seth’s not here.” Right out of nowhere. BAM! Like a ton of bricks to the face. On those days I can’t really shake the sadness. 

I get mad at you sometimes. But you probably already know that. I’m sorry about this. But you probably already know that too. I really wish that things had been different. I wish that you hadn’t been in that car. That you would have been safer. I really wish you would have been able to come home for that visit. But I can’t really dwell on that. Nothing can bring you back no matter how much we all wish that you could. I know you’re in a good place now though. It’s definitely something to look forward to when our times come. I also know you’re watching over everyone you love. You’re giving them that extra push, that extra hug, and that wonderful smile. Lots of wonderful memories, and laughs. So in reality, you’ll never be gone, love.

But today is going to be a hard one for a lot of people. Your family is still hurting like it was just yesterday. So today, just please be with them. Let your sister know that it’s ok. And just give them all some kind of peace. It’s been a long, hard, painful year for them. We all miss you very much.

Love,

Raquel

Seth, Oh Hun, Why Did It Have To Be You?

"Never fear growing old; there are many who have never had that privilege."

First let me take you back about three years, to an apartment number 144, in the town of Stephenville, Texas. Now I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that have partied, wound up undressed, thrown up in someone's lap, eaten some bazaar brownies, or gotten so shit faced you can't remember exactly what happened there the night before except that it was a good time!! Those nights kicked off some of my best friendships. To those three guys I'd like to say:

"Thank you gentlemen for some of the best drunken and some not so drunken nights! Thank you for some of the best times, and for some really good laughs!"

Now, I met these gentlemen because of my friend Melissa, and once she left to San Marcos for college my times there ended. I was dealing with my own problems, trying to make new friends, and to be honest, I didn't feel like I really fit in with them once Melissa was out of the picture. So, I didn't really keep in touch. But every once in a while I would see Sino, Mike, or Seth until I finally moved away to California.

Coming back to Texas, all the guys were off in other cities living their lives! But, I found Seth right there at Hasting, preparing to make his move to H-E-B. Every time I would see him, he'd still recognize me, give me a hug, and ask me how I was doing. That’s the type of person Seth is. Always making you feel like he actually saw you. I saw him every once in a while, and at a few parties. Always the life of them, as usual. Such a funny person! When my husband met him, he had him laughing all night! My husband was barely getting to know my friends, and really making the effort to get to know them. Seth just so happened to be at one of the parties, and I remember my husband saying “Wow, that guy is hilarious! I like him. He definitely made me feel welcomed!”

Now, I’m not trying to paint the picture of me knowing him so well that we are BFFs because we aren’t. But he is such an amazing guy! So much life, so much fun! And you can see that by how much his friends really really love him. You can tell by the way he never left anyone out, and he listens. Or at least he did with me.

Last time I saw him in person he had informed me that he was joining the Navy! A few months later, he posted on Facebook that he was in San Diego, California! This past Monday, he said he would be home on Friday. Which made me smile. I know how it is to be away from all of you’re friends and family. As much fun as you’re having, you still miss them. So I was ecstatic that he would be coming to visit his old stomping grounds! Who knows, I might even run into him??

Wednesday morning, August 25th, Melissa sent me the text message that literally made my heart drop into the pit of my stomach. Seth had died, on August 24, in a car accident. Of course, I looked up his Facebook, and sure enough someone had posted it a few minutes before. Then I looked at the San Diego website, and sure enough there was an article about “A” car accident. No names. Ok, so maybe it wasn’t him? I mean, people get this stuff mixed up all the time right? Everything was going to be just fine, they would clear this up as soon as they released names, and Seth’s would not be one of them. Wednesday night, they released names.

Seth Allen Hartin, 25, of Bangs, Texas.

That made it…very real. Too real. Now you can call me a baby, or even wonder why this has even affected me if I didn’t know him that well. But, that’s how I am. If someone has come into my life, no matter how long they stay there, I feel for them. Shit, I cry when I see the obituaries EVERY TIME. And those are people I don’t even know. Death blows. It sucks. And it hurts those left behind. So even though Seth and I were not the best of friends, he was still someone that had touched my life in one way or another. And the fact that he is gone now, makes me very sad.

At first, I didn’t cry. I felt as if the world had been cheated out of someone very special. A person that was so full of life had so much to live for, was taken just like that, and it wasn’t fair. I'll admit that I was angry because he's so damn young!! That just isn't fair! He's supposed to get married, have some kids, grow old, and finally flirt with the other old ladies in the nursing home!! He was supposed to live a long, healthy, happy life!!

That got me thinking of everything. I started trying to remember everything we had ever talked about. Trying to remember all the good times at the 144. Remembering how he would tell me to stay out of trouble every time he saw me drinking. That one time he tried to help Dane give me a "bulldog" (which was not successful! Ha!). And I kept thinking, that this just couldn’t be happening. Seth wasn’t dead. He just wasn’t. He’d be here on Friday. Someone had better tell me that this was just one big joke, a pretty shitty one at that, and they better do it right now, damn it! Well by three, I locked myself in the bathroom at work and had myself a good cry. I cried for his family and for his friends. For the wife he will never meet; for the children he will never have. I cried for the people that will miss out on meeting him; the future friends he was supposed to make. I cried for his parents because having to bury your own baby is the worst thing you could EVER have to do. I cried for his friends, the ones he has shared so much with; the ones he grew up with that didn’t get to see him one last time. And finally, I cried for him. I cried because he will be coming home, but not the way he was supposed to.

To his family and friends, I can not say anything to make the situation any better nor easier. Nothing will get rid of the hurt. Nothing will bring him back. I wish that I could bring him back. With all my heart, I wish I could. But, I can only pray for you. Pray that God helps you get through this really hard time and that he comforts you as you grieve.

“I am so sorry, for you’re loss.”