This month is a loaded one. We celebrate so many birthdays within my family, my spouse & mine included. We celebrate a wedding anniversary. And it's the month of Halloween which is a pretty big day for us. It's the end of a season, and the real beginning of winter for us. For me, it has always felt like a time of change, new beginnings, or endings. I feel like a lot of big moments, or weighted decisions tend to happen during this month. It's also a month that caused so much heartache last year. I haven't written much because this month has been a tough one for me to even get through. To the point that I feel like I'm reliving last October all over again. A lot of old feelings resurfaced, and I've actually seen some of the people who were involved with everything that took place before. Sometimes I catch myself feeling as if I'm grieving. As if time has stood still, and I'm right back to that night. To those days. To those weeks. To those months. I've been feeling like I'm steadily slipping back. And little did I know that there was a lot of anger simmering just beneath the surface.
This past weekend a lot of stuff came to a head. I had been bottling up a lot of things recently. Trying to dismiss feelings, and just shutting everything out. "I'm fine." I would say. "Everything's great!" I'd proclaim. "No, I'm good, things couldn't be better!" I'd tell those that asked. All with a smile plastered across my face. But that only leads to bad things. And the fallout of the things I said, and the way I acted was almost unbearable. I was so embarrassed, and if I had been in my right mind (read: sober) I would have had better control of how I spoke. Of what I let get to me. Of how I chose to treat people. How I chose to treat him. I was appalling, and I regretted the majority of the venom I spewed out. Not because I felt it, but in the way that I let it be known. Verbally and physically. So for the past few days I've been trying to figure out what I need to do. How I need to get back into the right frame of mind. Because this was not it. I am NOT this person. I am so much better than that. I spoke to a counselor, which helped. I got my ass handed to me by the person I spoke to, and it was a nice reality slap that I needed. A lot of questions were thrown at me like: What if my daughter had been there to witness how I acted? What if someone had decided to call the cops on me? What if I had caused some major damage to myself? To others? There was no coming back from that. The consequences would have rippled to others in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. So I created a game plan. A layout for how I needed to tackle the next few days, and weeks to come. I was given some new coping skills to try out. I'll be removing alcohol from the picture. Working on being more communicative with others because holding it in is not healthy. I'll be setting up another appointment with my doctor, and counselor to get me back on some medication until I level out. I feel so humiliated. It's felt like not just a step back, but leaps and bounds backwards. I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like crap. Undeserving of forgiveness for all of the past I drudged up. I felt like complete shit for lack of a better word.
So, this week has been rough. My words, and actions were not okay. But I'm human. We make mistakes. When I was younger my counselors, and doctors would always tell me that these issues could pop up at any moment in my life. They wouldn't define me, but they could cause some serious damage if I didn't put in the work from time to time to keep them in check. If I didn't take care of myself the way I needed too. Last October those sentiments were echoed. "You need to learn how to control your thoughts. And you need to learn how to not let things/people have control over your emotions. Because if you don't, you'll be a ticking time bomb. Over and over again. This will only lead to setbacks. It'll cause you to question your progress. And it could set you right back down that dark path you've worked so hard to get off of." They were all right. This past weekend I learned just how easily I could be set off. How quickly things could escalate, and change again. I was reminded of just how dark I can be. But now, I'm working on it. I'm trying to get myself better. I don't want to be that person. I don't want these episodes to happen again. I don't want the outbursts. I don't want to allow others to control my emotions, or my reactions. I want to be at peace. I want to be calm. I want to be a good person. And I don't want to go through this again.
*Before anyone, or if they've already started
thinking in this direction: NO I have never,
nor would I ever, lash out at my daughter.
My reactions apply to adults only.
