Siempre tu Niña Chiquita

 A few weeks ago while we were sitting around the table drinking coffee at my parent’s house my dad mentioned that my grandfather was sick. His health had actually been on the decline for about a year now. His medication was being adjusted, and he was still recovering from a previous illness. So it was like a double whammy. In my mind, this was still my strong abuelito, and he had faced a lot worse before this so I just assumed that he’d fight through it. He’d get better and we’d be down for a visit at the end of this year like we had planned. I made a mental note to grab our passport paperwork that next week. 

Well, the weekend went by and we spent it running around from our house in town to the house out in the country. I was so focused on what all we needed to get finished before that Sunday that I didn’t really notice much else. I asked about my dad for updates on my grandpa and he would just give me the same answer: he’s sick; no improvement. I should have listened a little harder. What my dad really meant was that grandpa wasn’t going to get better. And by the time I realized it my mom was calling to let me know that grandpa was dying, “Your dad is going to drive down there this week. Your grandpa is deteriorating quickly. They don’t think he’ll make it much longer.” 

Now, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think we all know that I was grandpa’s favorite. That's right, I'm lookin' at you, little brother. My grandpa loved us all but I was doted on the most. And I ate it up every time we saw each other. I was his “niña chiquita”. His “preciosa”. He would always scoop me up and twirl me around while listing off all of the terms of endearment he could think of. If I wanted to go to the corner store or “el centro” he’d be the first to say, “Vamos.” And off we’d go, hand in hand. There was this one particular story that he liked to tell everyone too. When I was about five or six he and my grandma came to visit us. My dad had some kind of tournament that we were at, and my mom had my brother and me in strollers. But I was getting really fussy and *ahem* bratty as the day went on so my grandpa came around to pick me up out of the stroller. Apparently, this caused me to let out some giggles and wrap my chubby arms around his neck. He walked with me clinging to him all throughout the park that day. I refused to let him put me down, he would say. He'd also mention that at one point someone turned on some music which caused me to start wiggling around. So he danced around with me to my delight. He always said it was one of his favorite memories. As I got older the twirls turned into long hugs, a kiss on the temple, and then he’d tell me how much he missed me. He’d ask me how I was doing and then he’d ask me to elaborate on the things that dad had already told him. He would listen intently and as I talked about my life. Regardless of what stage of it I was in. And trust me there were some ROUGH stages. 

Now, my grandpa wasn’t always the greatest man. He had his faults for sure. I had always had him up on this pedestal because he was just the greatest in my eyes. But I remember very vividly, the night that it went away. The night that I found out my grandpa wasn’t perfect. That he had made some pretty huge mistakes in his life. Here I was, listening to someone as they dished on all of our family dirt and it felt so horrible to have to hear it. I didn’t want to know these things. I didn’t want to see my grandpa in that light. But what I realized as I sat there listening to all of this history was that he was human. And he was trying to atone for his past mistakes. Even when it wasn’t the most popular thing to do. Even when it caused some of his own children anger. He was trying to do right. For that, I couldn’t fault him. And nothing was ever going to take away the love I felt for him. 

A little over two weeks ago, I saw my grandpa for the last time, over a video call. I tried so hard not to cry but as soon as he was told who I was his face lit up with recognition as he said “Ahh! Mi niña.” And the tears just came tumbling down. My grandpa, my abuelito querido, was really slipping away. His face was hollow and he looked so frail. Seeing him like that really squeezed my heart. He could be gone at any moment. I wiped the tears away and took a deep breath. “Todavía no estoy muerto. No llores mija,” he told me. I let out a little laugh and smiled at him. He smiled back and then asked me how I was doing. I tried to answer but my voice shook. I watched as his gaze drifted and then he started talking about something else. But then there was a pause as he looked at the screen. I cleared my throat, wiped away more tears, and then proceeded to let him know just how much I loved him. I told him that I wished that I were there and that I was sorry I couldn't be. I told him that dad would be on his way soon. He then pointed at one of my necklaces and said he wanted it. “Te lo doy,” I said. Emery made her way over to me and as she came into view one of my aunt’s told him who she was, and he smiled again. “Mi niña,” he said before closing his eyes. My aunt told me that he grew tired easily and would fall asleep. She cried right along with me as she explained that he was just getting worse by the day. After a few minutes, we ended the call. I immediately called my brother to let him know that he should try to call them too when he got the chance. After finishing up the conversation with him I took the medal - which had come as a pair with the one around my neck, and I slipped a black cord through it. I took it over to my parent’s house and told my dad to give it to my grandpa. We would now and forever have a matching set.

 

Last Friday, my grandpa took his final breath. I’m thankful that I was able to say goodbye on that last video call. Something we didn’t get with my grandmother. And I’m so happy that he got to see Emery one last time too. But I’m going to miss him more than I could ever express. I pray that he’s in peace. I pray that he was reunited with my abuelita. And I can’t wait to see him again someday.

 

Te quiero mucho y te voy a extrañar abuelito. Te llevas una parte de mi corazón contigo. Hasta que nos volvamos a ver siempre seré tu niña chiquita. 

You Take A Piece of My Heart

My grandmother, on my father’s side, passed away on Tuesday afternoon. It was completely unexpected. The circumstances that led to her being in such a fragile state to begin with fill me with such anger, and I hope that eventually something will be done. But there’s no bringing her back. And right now, I am just filled with sadness that we can’t be there. Thankfully, my father is. What was originally supposed to be a week stay beginning this Friday turned into him leaving a full week earlier. Because of this he was able to be at her side until she passed. And I find great comfort in that. When my dad called us on Tuesday afternoon with the news I was devastated. But I was also extremely grateful that he was able to be there with her.

My grandmother was a wonderful woman. I would argue that she was practically a saint. She lived for her children. And then when grandchildren came along she reveled in the role of grandmother. She selflessly served others, and there was never a stranger. When my brother and I were growing up we spent weeks out of our summer at my grandparent’s house just outside of Ciudad Victoria. There were a few Christmases there too. She would always have flour tortillas, pan dulce, and chocolate milk stocked up for when we arrived. We would walk all over that tiny village, and sometimes take the bus into “el centro” for shopping. God, I loved being there. In that house with the wrap around balcony, and the great big windows that let in a cool breeze that somehow always smelled like rain. We’d often sit on the edge of that balcony at night just looking out over the village. Stargazing when the lights began to turn off all around us. Their home is surrounded by plants, trees, vegetables, and flowers that she planted and tended to her whole life. She insisted that they be looked after at all times when she was away. Those trips to Mexico taught me a lot about life. How fortunate I was to have been born in Texas. To have such a big family with roots in Mexico. To be able to come and go when I wanted. To be grateful for what my dad went through in order to get to where he’s at. Which never would have happened had my grandmother not pushed him. Wanted better for him. And I will always love her for that.

As we got older, and laws became stricter we weren’t able to visit as often. It’s been about fourteen years since I’ve been to their home. Sometimes she and my grandpa would meet us at our cousin’s house in Reynosa in order for us to be able to see them. And then in the past two years we started making trips down so that they could come to Texas for a few stays out of the year. The last time they were here was in June, and I’m so happy that we were able to have them here for over a month. When they left to go back home I sat in the room as she packed up her things. We double checked to make sure she wasn’t forgetting anything. Especially the Nivea lotion that she had discovered, and fell in love with. My dad had bought her a great big bottle, and she had it stacked on top of everything in her bag. She was excited to be getting back home to her garden, and her eyes twinkled. When she finished, she sat next to me on the bed, and put her head on my shoulder. I hugged her, and kissed her forehead. “Te quiero tanto, buelita.” I told her as we held onto each other. “Yo tambien mi niña. Te quiero mucho.” she said after kissing my cheek. And then she told me that I would have to come visit in the Spring so that I could see all of her flowers. I told her I would apply for my passport at the beginning of 2019 in order to be ready for a trip in the Spring. This whole year I had been putting off getting a passport because I didn’t need one in order to cross into Reynosa when we went to pick them up. My dad would offer to pay for it but we’d all been pretty tight on money so I would decline and tell him we’d do it another day. When we had more money and time. Today as I sit here typing this up I’m regretting that decision so much. The last mental image I have of my grandmother is one of excitement and happiness on her face. Of hugs, kisses, and plans for the future. I will treasure that image of her always. It was the perfect example of who she was.

Today, they are laying my grandmother to rest. Since we (Emery, my mother, sister-in-law, and myself) don’t have passports we were unable to go. We looked into an emergency passport card, but they still take 2-4 days to process. And as her passing was very unexpected they wouldn’t be ready in time even if we went that route. So today, since we can't be there in person, I’m choosing to remember all of the best memories I have of her. I will remember her voice, that laugh, and the way she would say “Beto” when calling for my dad. I will remember the happiness and tears she had when we bought her a new Wringer Washer. She did not like updated washing machines. I will remember the pan dulce she would sneak me, and the sly little smile she would give when my dad would mention taking her out for ice cream. I will remember how she always wanted to feed us. Even after we had already eaten. I will remember her as a strong mother who suffered so much, but made the best of everything. Today I choose to celebrate who she was, and I can only hope that I'm able to carry some of that on with me.

💕

Aunt Linda, I Love You (Part II)

We got back home on the March 17th. My mom and grandmother had stayed behind, and she called on Monday to tell us that my aunt had done really well on Sunday night, and seemed to have more energy throughout the day. She said my aunt was being "smart" with my uncle, and it was good to see her little attitude come back out. This was a good sign. If she got her strength back, and if she was cleared to fly our family was considering taking her to Mexico for a medical trial that would accept her. They took on aggressive cancers and had doctors that were willing to try alternative treatments. I had hoped that we'd be able to give this place a shot once she started feeling better. It was a last resort, but one that everyone was willing to pitch in for. Now all we had to do was pray, and hope that she would gain some strength back in order to make that journey.

Sadly, on Monday night things took a turn and deteriorated rather quickly. On Tuesday night, surrounded by family and with her mother at her side --holding her hand--, my aunt passed away. She was 53. We had just gotten home from the gym when my mother called to tell me the news. I stood in the kitchen with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. "Okay. Give my uncle and cousins some hugs from us. Tell them we love them." And as I hung up the phone I grasped the kitchen counter and began to sob. This was hard, y'all. This was unfair. My aunt had so much more life in her, and I couldn't believe she was gone. Just like that. I mean, I knew it was a possibility. I knew that when I kissed her goodbye that one Saturday morning, that that day could be the last time I would see her alive. But I didn't think it would be within days. Hours. I thought we had more time. Even if just a month. That evening as I stood in my kitchen crying I was simultaneously trying to remember every detail of our time together. Every word she said, every smile, every hug, and then I started looking through all of the previous text messages. Saving every picture, and every scripture she sent. Rereading all of the advice that she had given me. I never want to forget any of it. I never want to forget her.

My aunt was an amazing woman. She always smiled, and she loved fiercely. She valued family over everything. She was one of the few people I felt like I could really talk to about anything, and everything under the sun. She was kind, and giving. There was one weekend a few years ago when she came down for a visit, and I was having a pretty hard time financially. There were doctor visits that had to be paid for, medications that needed to be paid for, and then to top it off not only was I late on the gas bill but my car was on the fritz too. I had showed up to my parents house needing to borrow some quarters because my dryer had just broken, and I needed to go to the laundromat before the mildew smell set in. I remember I had a little over $50 in my account that morning, and it needed to last me until I got paid the following week. I remember trying to do the best that I could that weekend, and I spent it over at my parent's house in order to make sure Emery had three meals. Then, before my aunt left back to Georgia that Sunday she pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek, and handed me some money. "Mija, find a decent used washer. There's enough money in there for that, and to pay your bill." I argued that I would be fine, and for her to use the money for something else. She just grabbed me by my shoulders, pulled me in for a hug, smiled at me, and then told me to take the money or she'd make my mom deposit it into my account. There was no arguing with this woman when she had her mind set on something. That was just the kind of person she was. Protective of those she loved. She knew Jesus, and God in a way that not many do. And even in her last days she prayed, and worshiped. 

Once we had gotten back home after this last visit I had started to do some research on gallbladder cancer. And to be honest, it was all a bit discouraging. It was maddening too. How the hell do we not have more answers? More funding? More trials? Why are we not looking into alternative treatments? As I sat in my living room combing through link after link I learned that survival rates during the first round of treatment were low, and recurrence was extremely high. So, even if you beat it the first time, any additional years you lived were just gifts. Borrowed time. Maybe if I had known that before I would have visited more. I would have held her longer. I would have called as often as possible. Taken a leave of absence from work to spend a week helping her during treatment. But I didn't. I didn't know anything. After I closed my laptop I felt so stupid for not looking into this sooner. For thinking that my aunt was invincible. For taking the time we had for granted. Since I had just used some of my personal time at work the week before I wasn't in the position to ask for more time off. Then there was the issue of my daughter having to go back to school. So, after speaking with my parents I had to make the difficult decision of not attending the funeral. And this killed me. I face timed with my uncle, and cousins to let them know how much I wish I could be there. I told them I loved them and would help in any way that I could from afar. They let me know that they understood I couldn't just take off on such short notice, and only a day after getting back. My uncle told me that he was just grateful I got to see her one last time. 

A few days before the funeral I started looking for weekend flights. I thought that if I could find some last minute discounted red-eye flight there and back on the same day it would be worth it. Unfortunately, the flights available were too long due to layovers, and all out of my price range. When I told my mom that my last little bit of hope to make it there had been squashed she said that it was okay. That they would be there for us. And later that afternoon one of my aunts called to let me know that there would be a special link for us on their church website to watch the funeral from home. It was for family members that couldn't make it, but still wanted to take part in the services. So, even though I wasn't able to be there physically, I would still be able to see it. And that's exactly what we did. As we sat in a parking lot (a story for later) we watched the entire service. We prayed, and we sang along. My family did a wonderful job. It was a service worthy of my aunt. With her favorite verses, and songs. She would have loved it. It was beautiful, and I'm glad I was able to see it. Now that it's been several weeks I still haven't really grasped it. My mind hasn't entirely come to terms with the fact that she's not here anymore. One day it will. And I hope I don't take it too hard. Until then, I just smile when we all talk about her. I smile thinking that she's up there in Heaven dancing around to the beat of her own drum dressed in head to toe purple with a Dallas Cowboy's jersey underneath. You know, because you always have to be ready for football season. And when I think of her I hope we're making her proud. But most of all I hope that we're living life in the way that will allow us to see her again one day...in the next life. 

Until then, I love you Aunt Linda. You are my favorite. And you're missed something fierce down here. 

A Short Recap Of The Holidays

Well hello, 2014. That definitely came up a lot faster than I expected. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years! Here's a SHORT (it only looks long because of the pictures) recap of what we were up to: 
I had the whole week of Christmas off (paid), thanks to a really wonderful boss! I don't know how I got so lucky to find this company but I am truly grateful for it. My first day of vacation was all planned out, when we got the news that one of my aunt's sisters died very unexpectedly (she was in her 40's) from the flu. And that kicked off a very hectic holiday for us. We had family from Georgia coming down again, and family from California coming in at the same time. 

my uncle at the last minute decided to hold up his "gat" and blocked my face :( also this was only half of us
On Christmas night, our puppy Gotham died after getting into some cow patties out at my husband's grandmother's house. As far as we can tell, she probably got into some poisonous mushrooms. She vomited a few times during the day, but then went back to her normal self. I assumed she was just hacking up whatever didn't agree with her because she seemed fine as we headed home. She was bouncy, and playful so nothing seemed out of the norm. We put her in her crate for the night and when we woke up she was gone. :( We were all very heartbroken, and at a loss. This makes two dogs in less than three months so my husband and I have decided to hold off on any more dogs for awhile. Unless something comes up, we won't be seeking to add another fur-baby to our family anytime soon. 

We officially said goodbye to our old house. We gathered what we could bring with us (read: what would fit in a tiny room) and shut everything off at our old house. We left behind the majority of our things that will be boxed up as soon as we find our own place, but for now we'll keep them there. My family has talked about knocking the house down as soon as we're all moved out. It's sad, bittersweet, but the house is not livable so there are hardly any other alternatives. There are so many memories in this house, on this land, and it makes me so sad to see it go.   

We rang in the New Year with Beau's family. The afternoon was spent at my parents house with them, so we were able to spend time with both of our families. But, being the responsible adults that we are, we wanted to make sure that we stayed wherever it was that we'd be drinking at. I don't mean getting drunk either because I had two glass of wine and my husband had 3 beers. I don't like driving anywhere regardless of whether it's one drink or six. So we stayed there with everyone. Our age is showing though because out of all of us only 4 adults stayed up to midnight. And we went to bed shortly after the countdown was over. :) 

I know this says Christmas but it was taken on New Years Eve. I did not take this either; credit goes to Taylor.
So that was our holiday. Our California family have returned to California and the last of our Georgia family will be leaving over the weekend. My vacation time was a lot busier than I had hoped but I enjoyed getting to see everyone. Now it's back to work, and back to school. I have a meeting with a student board next week, and if everything goes as planned my spring semester will start on the 13th. We're also currently looking at some houses and I'm hoping to be in our own place by the end of this month. Fingers crossed! Again, I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families over the holiday's! 

Funeral; Husband; Weight; Rain

Funeral:

Seth’s funeral was hard. It sucks when they are so young. I was fine until they opened the casket. Once that happened, it really sunk in that he was gone. No one was going to tell me that it was the wrong person. No one was going to tell me that it wasn’t Seth lying there. I still feel like he was having himself a laugh though. I kept randomly tripping throughout the whole service. It felt like someone was kicking my heel from behind. When I went up, I almost fell flat on my face in the aisle. I wanted to just say “Damn it, Seth, Stop IT!!” But I figured that wouldn’t be very appropriate. I don’t think anyone else would have found it very amusing. And at the end, they played my favorite song: “Swing Life Away” by Rise Against. That song takes me way back, one of my all-time favorites. And only then, did I realize how fitting that was for his personality.

Husband:

Ugghh!! I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm DONE! Last Thursday night my husband got to come home for a 3 1/2 day weekend! I was beyond EXCITED! To have him for 3 whole days was going to be wonderful!! I woke up Friday to get ready for work, and he's checking his Facebook. He was accepting EVERY request that was sent to him. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER CREATED ONE OF THOSE FOR HIM!! Should have just kept in contact with our friends through MY own account. But no, I wanted my hubby to have one. And if you know how Facebook works, you know that it lets you know when other friends have "friended" someone else. So after he’s done, I checked mine. Guess who was on his list? The one GIRL he "THOUGHT" about CHEATING on ME with!!!!! Please tell me who the FUCK does that?!?!? Anyone?!?!  ANYONE?!?!?! Can you say disrespectful?!? He says he didn’t even see the name, that he just accepted everyone but something inside makes me wonder. I hate being like that, but even if he didn’t see her, he should have deleted her the minute he found out that it was her. And he said he would. But he has yet to. I don’t know what’s pissing me off more: Her sending him the request, him accepting it, or him not deleting her? How can I “get over” something if he keeps bringing it back into our lives? Other than that, my three day weekend went great.

Weight:

I GAINED FIVE POUNDS! Uggghhh!! FIVE FREAKIN POUNDS!! That's it, no more junk food! I was reading this post over at One Bored Mommy Blogspot and realized that I had that same DVD at home. It was collecting dust from when I had told myself I would be all healthy and active during my pregnancy. Ha! So anyway, this post made me think that maybe running isn't the only thing I need to be doing. I started running a MILE every weekday and I've done it consistently for almost two weeks now. I plan to keep up with it and go farther as I progress. But maybe I need to toss an actual work-out into the mix? She said it made her sweat so I thought, why not? I got home, pulled out my mat, and popped in the DVD while Emery took a nap. O...m....G! Yea, I made it through the cardio and only half of the mat course (only because Emery woke up and wouldn't stop crying till I picked her up, I SWEAR). I was sweating twenty minutes into the cardio! They totally take breaks in between those filming takes because there is no way that woman wasn't breaking a sweat and I was! But that's another subject.  Anyway, I actually like this DVD! It's pretty basic, but man it gives you a workout. I'm feeling it today. My abs and my thighs. My shoulders; my butt. I didn't even know I had these muscles anymore.  So now, my plan is to run and do this program on alternating days. Build it up until I can do BOTH in one workout session. I know, pretty ballsy considering I have a child, but I will make it happen. Those five pounds need to go away!! Along with 30 (maybe 40) more! I'm hoping this DVD (along with cutting out junk food and soda -easier said than done-) help me achieve my goal weight/size. So here's to happy exercising!! August Weigh-In: 175 lbs

p/s It’s been raining all day. I love the rain.
The rain makes me happy; makes everything better.