Today something clicked. Something snapped, almost like a rubber band that's being stretched out too far, and I felt so incredibly naive. I knew that everything going on was because of me, and not in the way that you're probably thinking. Still, I'm at fault for something. Something that has the potential to tip me over. I'll write about it later. I'll post about it later. But I went through my drafts for some inspiration, or maybe just to read some words that I had started but never published. I came across this post from last month. For some reason or another I didn't hit publish.
I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.
Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere. But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same.
I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.
Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere. But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same.
This was written on August 16th 2016
I feel like as soon as I vocalize my emotions, and feel secure in a decision something else comes around to throw me off course. Last week, I was certain that my decisions in regards to where I stood within my relationship were pretty concrete. I was sure in the direction we were going in and it felt like progress. Then, I was knocked down. It was unexpected, but a still a harsh reminder of just how unstable things currently are between us.
I feel that it's hard for me to walk away from someone who has been with me for so long. Who knows the intimate parts of me, and my body. It's hard to pry myself from someone who I clearly want in my life regardless of whether they are good for me or not. Why? I have no idea. When I was younger this was applied heavily to some of my friendships. I once had a boyfriend who despite the intense feelings we had for each other, we both always knew that our time together would come to an end because it was too much. We were a ticking time bomb. It's hard to walk away from things like that. It's hard to walk away from people. It's even harder to figure out when you should stick things through, or walk away.
I know that my mind rationalizes things. It allows me to think in realistic terms, and at face value I know what should/shouldn't be done. I can fully see the whole "It's for the best" option. But my body, and my emotions don't know how to follow through. How to reinforce the limits I set when it comes to other people's want of control over me. I don't know how to say "No" to certain people. I don't know how to say, "Okay. That's it, I'm throwing in the towel." And sadly, sometimes it's the people closest to you that abuse that knowledge. So this is the mental game I play daily. The back and forth. Should I? Should I not? Can I? Can I not? When it comes to my marriage I sometimes feel like maybe we should part. The moment my thoughts starts to move in that direction though, my mind panics. My stomach turns, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball while the world just disappears. But I believe it's more about the potential loss that scares me. The would be ending of something that should have been forever, and a day. The potential loss of a partner who is supposed to be there for the good, and the bad. Then, when I feel like we should continue forward as a couple my heart feels like it's the right thing to do. Keep the family together. Be the spouse who stays through the good, and the bad. Be their "person". But I often wonder if I'm not just making excuses. Like I'm romanticizing the whole situation, and it's outcome. Eventually a decision will have to be made. Eventually the back and forth will have to stop. But how do I know? How does anyone truly know?
I know that my mind rationalizes things. It allows me to think in realistic terms, and at face value I know what should/shouldn't be done. I can fully see the whole "It's for the best" option. But my body, and my emotions don't know how to follow through. How to reinforce the limits I set when it comes to other people's want of control over me. I don't know how to say "No" to certain people. I don't know how to say, "Okay. That's it, I'm throwing in the towel." And sadly, sometimes it's the people closest to you that abuse that knowledge. So this is the mental game I play daily. The back and forth. Should I? Should I not? Can I? Can I not? When it comes to my marriage I sometimes feel like maybe we should part. The moment my thoughts starts to move in that direction though, my mind panics. My stomach turns, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball while the world just disappears. But I believe it's more about the potential loss that scares me. The would be ending of something that should have been forever, and a day. The potential loss of a partner who is supposed to be there for the good, and the bad. Then, when I feel like we should continue forward as a couple my heart feels like it's the right thing to do. Keep the family together. Be the spouse who stays through the good, and the bad. Be their "person". But I often wonder if I'm not just making excuses. Like I'm romanticizing the whole situation, and it's outcome. Eventually a decision will have to be made. Eventually the back and forth will have to stop. But how do I know? How does anyone truly know?
Sometimes I wish I could hand all of this over to someone else, and allow them to make the decisions for me. I want someone with an unbiased opinion to tell me what is best in my current situation. Tell me what to do, please? Or maybe I need a time machine to get a glimpse of the future? Something. Anything! I just feel so lost right now. The current path that I am on looks oddly like a merry-go-round that I can't seem to get off of. And I'm getting sick of the spinning.
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