Well...

I still haven't decided what I'll be doing with this blog in regards to direction, change, or deletion. I also know that in my last post I stated that I wanted to focus more on positive things, but life doesn't always work like that. So, I'm still undecided about the future of my little ocean. Until then, I guess you guys will have to deal with (or skip) whatever word vomit I let come out. And I'm apologizing in advance because this one is all over the place today.

Recently, my heart and mind have been going against each other. It's left me with a lot of confusion. A lot to think about, and even more to work through. I hate feeling like this. My counselor told me that in some ways I seem to be reverting back into how I was before. Not necessarily in a bad way, or wrong way...just that it's happening. We've decided on an "every other week" schedule so he can get a better "look" at what might be behind all of this. I left my last session feeling pretty optimistic though. And since then I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's ahead. 

There's a lot about commitment and love that some people don't get. One of the things that was said recently was "it's not cheating if you weren't together". I disagreed. Because to me, until the ink has dried on a stack of divorce papers, you are still married. You should still continue to have respect for your spouse because they are still your spouse. My husband did not do that. And a lot of people say things like, "Well it was the drugs, and alcohol." Others say things like "He wasn't in his right mind, he didn't know any better." However, there's something to be said about making those choices in the first place. There's something to be said about the disrespect towards me that was shown repeatedly. Shouldn't we all take responsibility for what we say and do? Isn't that the whole point? To take ownership of our actions. So why do some people get a pass? Why can some people hurt others, and it be completely dismissed? They become the victim, and you just become the bitter party that "can't let go and forgive." But why? When presented with the question "When everything is said and done, what do you want to come out of all of this?" These were just some of the things that I started to recall and think about. I started to question what kind of relationship I wanted. What kind of relationship I needed to have with myself, as well. And so far, everything has just been this jumbled mess of emotions that I'm slowly making my way through. My ideas of love and commitment are still just as strong as they were before. Only now, it seems that my trust in those two things coming from others has been slightly tainted.

Another issue from before that's fresh in my mind today is the name calling. Throughout this whole ordeal I was being told that I was horrible. That I was not wanted. That I was disgusting. That I was being called names because I was deserving of them. And when it came to others addressing me with those same terms, it was almost encouraged. Justified. And lately, I've been trying to understand why I ever allowed it. Why did I cower? Why did I take it all. My self respect, in the eyes of others, was always something that I held up high. It was something that older friends loved about me, and I was respected for. But when it came to him, I just let him treat me however he saw fit. I let it continue. I allowed my daughter to see it. I allowed my daughter to hear it. I allowed my self-respect to continuously be battered. I felt like I was deserving of it all. However, recently I started to look at my situation through the eyes of a parent. How would I feel if my baby girl allowed someone to speak to her, or treat her in the same manner? Would it ever be okay? Would I ever want her to grow up thinking that this is what love looked like?

No.

So why did I allow that to be my reality. Why did I allow myself to think that I was not worth more? I know that my husband has changed. I know that he's made some progress in certain areas. I know that he is trying in the only way he knows how. I know that he is not, nor will he ever be, perfect. I'm not either, and I don't claim to be. My issues are a mile long, and I'm barely addressing the beginning. But some food for thought was given to me recently, and it went along the lines of:

"Every addict, regardless of the addiction, does not get better after their first try. This is something that they will battle every day. And sometimes...the people around them, no matter how much they think they are helping, are only enabling them. We become a crutch for them, and this becomes the only reason why they tell us what we want to hear. Sometimes, we allow those habits to continue and we allow them to go back to old ways because we think that they're allowed to mess up. They're allowed to hurt us because of their disease. And so, the cycles continue until that person is truly ready to make the change. To let go. No matter how badly we want things to turn out a certain way for them because we love them, it's not up to us. It's up to them. Only then, will it get better."  

I know what my vows are. For better or worse. I took those. I meant them with everything inside of me. I stood by my husband, even during the affairs, ready to give things another try. My end goal was to keep my family together. EVEN when I was being told that I wasn't loved. That I wasn't wanted. What I always hoped for was to keep my family. To love this man, despite everything, because he was my person. And even though he didn't always realize it, I would always be there for him. But at what cost? Becoming a crutch. Am I enabling him by continuously allowing him to dismiss what he did? By making up excuses? By allowing myself to be treated horribly on the "bad days"? When do you say, "That's it...I can't do this anymore. I love you, but I can't do this anymore." At what point can you truly let go of the person you thought you would be with for the rest of your life because you were holding them back, and they were dragging you down? At what point?