Yours ≸ Mine

“You find your things to be more important than mine,” is part of the text message I fired off as I got home Friday night. I was angry. After giving three days' notice, of planning and reminders, my partner decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday dinner to stay late at work with his boss. Fine. Then he proceeded to go to the bar with his boss on a night that he knew I had to go pick up my daughter. “Hey, we’re going to the bar, want to come?” I can’t, obviously. It’s fine. He got home late, and then the next day, he spent it sick due to a massive hangover. It’s totally fine. Internally, I was so angry that I spent a good chunk of my evening crying.

You see, we don’t get a lot of free time. Even if my daughter stays the night with her grandparents or at her friend’s house, our time is still spent doing other stuff. Fixing things. Working. Schoolwork. Cleaning. Running errands. House projects. It’s always something. So for us to get a night that is completely free for us to do whatever we want, well I had really wanted to take advantage of that. Instead, I was angry as hell because he had chosen to go out with his boss and friends on a night he knew that I could not go. He had skipped a dinner we had already planned to attend. He came home really late, and probably shouldn’t have driven. And because of this, he was entirely too sick to do anything with me on the following day. I wanted to scream.

“Well, you can still go do something by yourself. Or go with one of your friends,” is the response I got when I asked if he felt well enough to at least go out for dinner. And that was laughable. My friends do not live here and he knows this. The people who I would normally call up to join me for a night out are all gone from this area and any others I may have considered are all pregnant. Doesn’t mean that they don’t want to do anything, just that they’re growing humans and I remember how tired I used to get. So, no. I can’t go with my friends. And going out to dinner by myself? Or a show. While I’m sure it would have been fine it was NOT the point. I just wanted ONE night. ONE night where we could do something that I wanted. A night where maybe I could be the one to get a fruity drink or maybe a (light) beer, and not worry about having to drive home. A night of listening to one of my favorite local bands and doing some dancing. And I wanted to enjoy that night of no worries with him.

Had the tables been turned, I would have never heard the end of it. If I set us back even by thirty minutes on plans that he has made I’m usually met with, “Raquel, you KNEW this was what we were doing. I gave you plenty of notice.” Then I’m being hurried out the door. Because his plans are important. HIS plans matter. And mine are more like suggestions. That dismissive attitude is what pisses me off the most. Because when he makes plans, I don’t skip out on them or make other plans without him. I don’t approach it with a, “Well, that sucks for you but I’m doing something different because I don’t care about your feelings” attitude. This is exactly how it felt for me when he blew off my plans. When he prioritized his boss and his friends over what HE and I had already discussed. And even TALKED about that very morning as we got ready for the day.

I don’t care if he has a guy's night out. He’s had plenty before. What I do care about, is how disrespected I felt. How ignored and insignificant his actions and words made me feel. I care about the bad memories and the crappy feelings that were dredged up because of this. How, for a while, I felt like I did in my previous relationship. And that’s not okay. I did not go through the worst time of my life and claw my way back up only to have someone make me feel the same way. Not after all the years of therapy. Of all the prayers sent up by me and those on my behalf. The years of hard work. NOPE. Not on my watch. And this right here is exactly why some couples go through counseling. Because sometimes, you need an unbiased person to help you communicate. You need someone who will call both of you out on your shit. Because I’m sure everything I just typed up there screams of insecurity and co-dependency issues.

But do you know what the cool part is? This time around I have a partner that is actually open to this. For the first time, I have someone who was all in when I suggested counseling a few months ago. Because we communicate very differently. He processes verbally and I process internally. And sometimes he’s straight-up oblivious to his actions/words, and so am I with mine. On the other hand, sometimes we aren't. Arguments can quickly escalate because we’re both pretty damn stubborn too. Though let's be honest, he is more so than I. And overall, we just handle things very differently. So, even though I was super pissed off all weekend we decided this would be a good topic to cover in our next session. And y’all, weirdly, that made me pretty happy. Plus, that willingness to try things on my terms, is pretty dang attractive.

I’m still mad though.

But it's okay. Because we’ll work through it.

The “Not Date” Date

Back in October, I added someone on Facebook that I vaguely remembered from a handful of parties when I was a teenager. It said we had over 20 mutual friends and he kept popping up in my suggestion box. Literally, every time I opened the app for a whole damn week. So, on a whim, I clicked “ADD FRIEND”. Well, it turns out I had been right and he was the person I had remembered. We talked for a while that night and caught up. Discussing family, friends, and what we had been up to since high school. We sent a few messages back and forth over the next month but nothing more. Then, when I was informed of the date for our company’s Christmas party - and repeatedly asked if I was bringing a date, I impulsively said I would have a plus one when the final headcount was taken. 

A few days later I sat on my kitchen floor, holding my breath, as I had just impulsively asked this person to be my date. Strictly as friends because we didn’t know each other that well, but I knew enough that I thought we’d have a good time. If nothing else, we got a free meal out of it, right? Well, surprisingly, he said yes. We talked about meeting up before the party to hang out but our schedules just didn’t allow for it. So, when that first week of December came along I found myself rushing around the house to get ready for my “not date” date. I kept telling myself that there was no pressure because this was a platonic thing. We had technically already met, several years ago, so it wasn’t as if he was a total stranger. Then as I hurriedly slipped on my boots he texted me his address. Thirty minutes later I found myself standing on his doorstep. I heard movement on the other side of the door, and I mentally freaked out for a few seconds. “Crap. Crap! Why did I think this was a good idea? Who the hell let me do this? Crap.” After a few seconds, I finally raised my hand. Taking in a deep breath, I knocked.

Well, it’s now April, and that “not date” date went really well. So well, that it turned into an actual first date two weeks later when I got back from California. Which led to some pretty deep conversations. Then there was a second date; third, fourth, and fifth. A handful of shows and plenty of nights spent in. There were several firsts and a lot of laughter. I’m serious, a lot. I’ve been encouraged to step out of my comfort zone, and still do things on my own. Because, growth. Then, there were disagreements. Doubts. We had a little “time out” to reassess how we felt about each other and what exactly we wanted going forward. Because this wasn’t just about the two of us anymore. And then we compromised. I was shown that I was a priority. That I matter. Even when I shut down and started to throw up walls. Or when my anxiety got the better of me. We've been able to communicate and bend when needed for each other. And y’all, for the first time in a long-long time, I feel like I actually have a partner. Someone who’s actually willing to put in the work with me. And I'm happy.

Now, I know that there will be ups and downs. I can’t stress that enough. There will be times when one of us gives a bit more than the other. Things won’t be split 50/50, because let's face it, that’s unrealistic. I can’t expect both of us to interpret or respond to everything in the exact same way either. We are two different human beings coming from different backgrounds that sometimes see things very differently. But do you know what I really love about us? That during the times that we feel we need a bit of time to process our feelings, or when we have these knee jerk reactions of getting upset with each other there’s still respect for one another. We take a moment. We talk openly to get any misunderstandings or assumptions out of the way. And then we come up with a solution. And it all gets done without yelling, name-calling, or things being thrown. Even during the most recent argument, which I posted a bit about (quite dramatically) and that I’ll admit escalated due to a bit of misunderstanding on my part, I was still receiving “Good morning” and “I love you” texts. I would reply and/or check-in at the end of the day too. When we finally came together to talk things out we apologized to each other for how we handled things and then we worked on a compromise that we were both comfortable with. We promised to do better going forward too. Afterward, I headed home feeling so loved. I knew that this was the person I wanted at my side. The person I prayed to be put into my life. And as long as we make our relationship a priority, especially during the hard times, I know we’ll be able to get through anything that gets thrown our way.

I Just Don't Know

"You're too good for a man who's not sure about you." - Unknown

Last year, right at the end of August, I started to go out on dates. My daughter had insisted that it was time, and even selected the "selfies that you need to put on your profile". I felt totally out of my comfort zone, to say the least. And what I can say about my experience of dating in my 30's is that it is...daunting. Terrifying. Awkward and oh so tiring. Y'all, dating these days is so not what I remembered. Then again, my experience is very minimal. After a few months and a handful of dates, I ended up deleting the app. It just didn't feel like it was the right fit for me. So, I moved on in life.

I prayed about finding someone who wanted the same things I did. I asked for someone to come into my life that would be worthy of all the love I had to give. I craved a partnership that would add to my life. I wanted someone who could see all of my broken pieces and be okay with them. Who would love me, regardless of my baggage. I wanted someone who wanted to do life by my side. Because, even though I had been fine with being single after a year, I also felt very lonely. I wanted someone to laugh with. Someone who I could talk about my day with. Someone who cared. I wanted to love and be loved, again. 

Then, one day, someone unexpectedly entered into my life. And we dated. Things moved quickly, and I felt like I was finally getting to experience a real, healthy, relationship. I know that there's no such thing as perfect, but this guy was coming pretty damn close. A lot of wonderful promises and words of reassurance were constantly being said to me too. Things like, "Even during the bad, I'll be right here with you." or "YOU'RE the person I want to be with - YOU'RE my priority." We talked about getting married in the future and so I began the annulment process. We talked about moving in together at the end of the year and even about the possibility of having kids. I mean, we were so damn sure that we were ready to commit to being with each other. To choose each other, over and over. Even on the really shitty days. I felt like I had finally found someone who wanted all of the same things that I did. And y'all, I was happy. 

But as with all relationships, the honeymoon phase ends. Outside sources can cause strain. And even though we had gotten good at communicating, sometimes people don't want to open their eyes to the truth. Sometimes people are not ready for the changes and commitments that come with choosing to love someone else unconditionally. Making them a priority with no one being placed above them. And after our most recent disagreement, some things were said that gave me pause. Because now, the effort I was putting into our relationship was not being matched. Now, someone was unsure. Now, someone was giving me an ultimatum without even considering to see things from my point of view. Without willing to offer a compromise or be willing to set boundaries. And as I stood there, stunned at what I was hearing, I also felt like such an idiot for giving everything that I had to someone so quickly. How could I have been so damn naive? It was as if I had learned nothing from my marriage and how it ended. So, I stood there, feeling my heart breaking all over again.

I've decided to take a bit of a step back. We've decided to try and talk things out a bit more. Neither of us wants to throw in the towel, but I'm not really sure how to move forward either. Relationships take a lot of hard work, and they're not easy. There will be times when you're on the same page and times when you're in different fucking books. But the important part is being able to communicate, to be open to compromises, and to choose to keep loving your partner even when it's hard. But that's also a two-way street. So, I need to think things through and really examine my feelings because for so long I let my heart lead the way and I'm not sure I could go through a second devastating breakup. I also wanted to seek out advice from my family, and a close friend. I want to pray about it and also ask Mr. Watson for some insight. But y'all, I felt the exact moment that I put up a huge fucking wall. I felt it when I shut down. Then I started to question, "Why am I so unlovable? Why am I being put through so much heartbreak? Why can't I ever be enough for someone?" And then I cried. A LOT. 

I don't know what will happen. Maybe we'll make it through this? Maybe we won't? I would honestly love to find a compromise that we would both be okay with, and put in the work. But I can't be the only one willing to put forth the effort. This means I have to think carefully about what my next steps will be, and at this very moment, I have no idea what those are. I have no idea how to go back to how things were before or if we even can. To pick up where we left off as if nothing was ever said, and just be happy. I have no idea how to take certain things back. I don't know how to go from loving someone one day to just liking them the next. I don't know how to shut those feelings off. I don't know how to go from seeing a future with someone to, "Maybe, we'll see." I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to do. I just...don't know.

Week Wrap Up (This is Extremely Long)

10/17

Vacation!!! Emery and I drove up to Oklahoma to pick up my husband. We stayed up there till Tuesday because his boss paid for our room. The drive up there was brutal. Emery had a really bad diaper rash, and a runny nose. A three hour drive turned into a 4 in a half hour drive. We got there and had a BBQ with some of the other workers and the ladies from the BAYMONT INN. The guys have been there for 8 months, so they thought they'd do something nice for them as well. I got to see the mountains, and we even did some shopping for Emery! Finally got the crib we wanted for her!! Then we got to go eat at this place called Meers, which was an old run down looking place, but it had the BEST burgers. They make it out of longhorn meat, which is like 10x's better than regular meat. It was delicious! I enjoyed the mini vacation.

10/19

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUSBAND!!!  Yup, it was my husband's birthday and we spent it driving home. But hey, we got to spend it together at least? He turned 24, and when we got home my mom had a cake and card waiting. We'll probably celebrate it some more this weekend.

10/20

Happy Anniversary!!! Ahh!! Two years. We have made it, two whole years. Granted, they weren't the most wonderful or easy, and we had our fair share of problems, but we MADE IT despite the odds! We decided to work on our relationship, to listen to each other, and we as a couple are better because of it. That is something to be proud of. We didn't throw in the towel like so many other young couples do and that, to me, is an accomplishment. It gives me hope, that if we can work things out as they come that we can make it through anything!

Dear Husband,  I love you. You are my best friend. WE have made it two years! I know that things have not been easy, and we have had our differences. But, I want to thank you, for not giving up on US. For continuing this journey of marriage with me. 

I also want to thank you for all of the good times, and the bad ones (ok, maybe we could have left some of those bad ones out?). They have made us who we are today. We are growing up together, and I feel lucky to have you by my side as we do so. And finally I'd like to thank you for our wonderful daughter Emery (because let's face it, without you she would not be here). You gave me the gift of motherhood, and I feel truly blessed having her in our life. She has brought us closer together, in ways neither one of us thought was possible. 

You are a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father. You are an amazing person, and I love you. So here's to 80 more years of life, love, and laughter. 

Love,
Your Wife 

p/s And thank you for helping me with all of my ridiculous ideas and plans that may not have always been the best or the smartest (and you told me repeatedly so), but you helped me anyways.

10/21

Happy Birthday to ME!! I turned 23 yesterday. I also found out that Emery has a yeast infection (that bad rash I mentioned earlier), lots of congestions, bad allergies, and what looks to be like the starting of an ear infection.

Yesterday I contemplated some life "altering" decisions. Job: I might have another job soon. I need insurance though, and it'll take three months before I can get it through them (if they make me full time). And that's if the job actually gets offered to me. Moving: We are saving a lot of money by being in my parents "guest house" but living right next door is starting to cause some strain. Constantly being told what to do, how to do it. Being teased about my weight, or about how broke I am hasn't been fun.  So, moving seems to be a pretty good option. But, that means bills, rent, and no help with Emery when I need it. Also, Beau has been asked to go work in WASHINGTON (state) if his boss gets the bid. He'd be up there for 8 months. His boss said that they could make some arrangements for me and Emery to stay up there too. So that could be another option. Marriage: My husband, being here only 3 days, is  already bored. His phone is ringing again, he's wanting to drink, and go out. I on the other hand am trying to make up some time at work, clean up the house, do the unfinished laundry, and catch up on some much needed sleep. This in turn is getting me called "boring" and too "knaggy" when I complain about not having enough help. Needless to say, we're butting heads. I see parenting one way, he sees it another. I have my priorities in one order, his are in a completely different order. I'm thinking about US, he's thinking about HIM. I'm tired of coming last in a long list of "priorities". 

And so yesterday, on MY birthday, I put these requests out on the table:

Think about US. Think about this relationship. What do you want from it, and what do you not want from it? This afternoon when I get home, we'll talk about what we've both thought about. We'll discuss whether we still want to be in this relationship or not. And what direction we want to go in. We can't keep doing this circles. I can't keep doing these circles. 

Today

Last night went very well. We both want to make this relationship last. We both want to grow old together, and better our relationship. We talked, and we have both agreed on some changes (ex: I not act like I'm 80 and can no longer go out; he not act like he's 15 and want to go out all the time) and some compromises. He actually made PLANS for MY birthday! He arranged for my mother to babysit, then he took me to Chili's for dinner, I received my present (a beautiful bracelet), and then some of our friends had made me a cake so we went over to their house. It was such a nice evening! He stayed sober, so I could drink, but even with that I didn't drink much. It was still a nice gesture. We were home by 10:30, got Emery, and we went to bed. Lovely. PERFECT, even.

And today, I got to see JULIE!! She's amazing. I miss her so much. Plus, it's FRIDAY!! So, it's going to be a good day! And this afternoon, Beau said we can go and shop for something for OURSELVES. I have my eye on either the Grey's latest season and maybe a second movie (oh! or that nifty make-up bag I've been wanting) or a treadmill (depending on my budget, lol!). Something tells me, I should decide on the movie though. Either way, it'll be nice to spend on myself for a change.

I'm happy. I feel, at peace in a way. Emery is being taken care of and getting better. My husband and I have an understanding and we're communicating. And we are getting our financial crap in order. Our legal crap is being taken care of.

And I'm happy.

Yay me!!