Hard Times

Written on May 24, 2016

This week's bills went over what I make by about $250. I got a notice from my daughter's school about how I forgot to send lunch money so she would be placed on the "alternative meal plan" until her account was filled. Then I got a note from the teacher about needing my $3-$5 contribution for the end of school year party. My daughter's surgery was scheduled for June 3rd, but now it looks like it will be pushed back to June 24th because I am applying for financial assistance. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, my entire savings account, my cushion, was depleted. Things had to be paid in order to not get turned off. I cancelled some subscriptions we didn't necessarily need. I asked for extensions, and even with that, I couldn't afford to buy groceries. I sat in my car after dropping my daughter off with my dad, and just cried.

The entire time, I ask myself how the fuck did I get here? My honest answer is one that I really don't want to say out loud: Me. I got myself here by allowing myself to be a push over. When my husband left, I was devastated and heartbroken, but during his absence I had built up my savings. My bills were paid on time. I had money to go see a movie, or get pedicures with my daughter on a whim. I penny pinched and saved. I was only having to pay for two mouths. Since he's been living with us, all of that has gone away. And I have no one to blame but myself. I let it happen. I "fixed" the money problems he got himself into instead of letting him figure things out on his own. I just pushed money into his lap so he could go out and get the "simple" luxuries he "needed" instead of allowing him to dwell in the discomfort that comes with not having anything. I allowed it. I was over hearing about how he had nothing, and how he never got to do anything. Always coming to me for answers because isn't that what a spouse is supposed to be there for? When he turned things around on me recently, getting upset for not being able to pay for a basic doctor's appointment/his medication, I allowed his words to make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm not saying that this is completely his fault either. Though he did play a part. Being a people-pleaser when it comes to my family is the real issue. Ultimately, the problem is my inability to say "NO". I found myself being asked for a solution to our current situation, and I couldn't think of one. All I did know was that I couldn't solve it on my own, and without taking some pretty drastic measures.

Last night, as I laid in bed, snuggled up with my daughter I allowed myself to cry. I kept thinking about what all had happened that day and it was so overwhelming. After I had picked her up from school she asked if we could get some tacos, and I told her that we couldn't. She pulled out her little purse and said "Mom, I'll treat us to tacos IF you let me get a small strawberry drink." She then handed over $5. So, I allowed her to pay for her taco, a burrito, and the strawberry slushy drink that she wanted. When I got home from work she asked for a sandwich, but we had no bread. When I told her we could make some Mac' N' Cheese instead she wrinkled her nose, and asked "Mmm what about maybe just a salad?" But when we both went to look in the veggie drawer there was no lettuce. Or tomatoes. "It's okay mommy, I like Mac' N' Cheese, let's do that." And I felt terrible. I mean black hole in the pit of my stomach horrible. I wanted to cry right there, and apologize a thousand times for letting us get to this point. Instead, I asked my mother if she would let my daughter eat dinner with them for the rest of this week because I know I won't be able to afford groceries.

I can't believe that this is where I'm at in life. I can't believe I'm almost thirty years old, and I am still struggling like this. My paycheck is gone before I even get it. There is no breathing room. What the hell am I going to do?

:::UPDATE:::

I wrote the above portion of this post last week. Right afterwards I had an anxiety attack, a pretty big one, so I left it unfinished. I eventually did go out and buy some essential grocery items (bread, sandwich meat, milk, breakfast cereal, etc.). By Wednesday I had grown tired of not being able to make/grab something when my daughter said she was still hungry after getting home in the evenings so I decided to just go buy a few things that we really needed. I didn't care if the internet got turned off, or if the electricity was past due. 

We're still really strapped for money, and things have been really stressful. Thankfully, I'll be getting some overtime soon now that my daughter is not in school. Unfortunately, I now have only five days to find a babysitter. Our current sitter had some unexpected things come up for her family here, and it caused them to have to move up their Mexico vacation so she will be leaving next week for about a month. The original plan was that she would be gone for the end of summer in order to give me time to find someone else. But things happen which is understandable. I have no idea where I'll find someone who will watch her for less than $60 a week.  Can you believe I was getting that deal in the first place? That is about ALL I can afford right now. Which even that is stretching it. 
 
Here's a run down of what else has been going on: The little's last day of school was last Friday. I cried. My pursing a Bachelors Degree has been put on pause. Indefinitely. Cook's Children should be getting back to us in regards to financial assistance at the end of this week. If I don't hear back from them by Thursday we reschedule her surgery. With all of this rain flooding we've been getting it looks like we are getting a flea problem inside and outside of our home. Not being able to cut the grass has made things so much worse. The dogs are going to need extra flea treatments which are NOT cheap. And did I mention the flooding? This past weekend we had a family reunion which I'll post about later. It was fun getting to see everyone, and we had a blast. And that about covers everything. If anyone wants to give me $1,000 to get myself back on track I accept PayPal. :)