Dream Talk

I had a dream that I was pregnant. I looked down at my belly and I saw it move. Just like it used to with Emery. That tiny bump that would pop up when she would move or kick. The fuzzy feeling I got when she’d hiccup. I remembered it so clearly. In my dream, I was afraid to tell my husband (not like he couldn’t tell- I looked like I was about 35 weeks in my dream) because I knew us expecting a second child wasn’t what he wanted to hear. And I started crying.

Then, I woke up.

I constantly think of a second child. Will we ever have one? What will a second pregnancy be like? What about labor and delivery? Would it be the same? Could we handle a second child? And lately, with so many people I know either having babies or getting pregnant, baby # 2 has been on my mind a lot! I even keep a hidden list of potential names! But like I’ve said before, I’m not sure if we’re ready? I’m not sure if my husband will EVER be ready. And this truly makes me sad sometimes. I know that financially, and in the home we are in right now, it would NOT be a good idea to have another baby. But what happens when all of that is done, and behind us? What happens when we are in a good place financially and we have our own place? I’m not sure what place my husband is “mentally”- by that I mean if he’s overall the crap for good- and so I have no idea if it will ever be a good time to talk about having another baby. Because right now, he usually just says “We’re not ready right now. Maybe someday.” And if you haven’t noticed already, I HAVE TO TALK THINGS OUT! And I can’t just wait for “someday” to come around. I’m a planner, dang it! I like to save, be prepared, and have time to get used to things. Emery was unplanned, and I still feel guilty for the drinking *cough* and other stuff that I did *cough*, before I found out I was expecting! I’m not proud of it at all! And I don’t know how many times I’ve beat myself up over it. Emery came out fine, healthy, and she’s ahead of a lot of babies her age from what I’m told. Still, I feel guilty. Like, I should have known better. So, I’d really like to go into the “next” pregnancy healthy and prepared. My way of showing Emery that I’m sorry? I don’t know.

Also, and this may be completely silly, but I want a normal pregnancy. I never got that with Emery. Which is so sad to me. I didn’t enjoy any part of it like most soon to be mommies. I didn’t get to fix up a nursery or have one of those “Pregnancy/Couple” photography sessions. We started out ok, and supportive. But then money became a huge problem. Followed by me ALWAYS being sick and tired. I NEVER did anything! Then my husband and I hit a rough patch, lots of fighting, usually went to the doctor by myself, he was still doing drugs, we had some physical altercations (all ME), lots of name calling, lots of time spent alone at home, and finally he left a few weeks before Emery was born. I was miserable. Things are different now, though! We’re in a good place with each other. Slowly, my trust has started coming back. He’s supportive; such a great father and husband. And now, if we argue, we always make up. And if it’s something stupid, we usually just laugh about it afterward. He really is a good man. So now, I want to have that happy pregnancy! I want to have good memories. I want that damn photo session, and to have us talking late at night over baby names. I want to have a pregnancy where we were both “there and in it” the whole time. But mainly, my reason for wanting another baby is for Emery. I want her to have a sibling.

My brother and I were the only children my mom had and that’s only because my mother had lost her first & fourth child. Her fourth was a miscarriage and while this was happening the doctor told her that she was a high risk-she already had a boy and a girl- so why not tie her tubes? My mom said she was in shock & pain, she looked at my dad, and she just shook her head. She says she regrets it till this day. She said she should have waited till the shock had gone away because they both wanted a big family. They had always wanted at least four or five children. She says she’s sad she never got that. Now, the rest of my aunts and uncles have at least 2-6 kids. So we have a pretty big family! And it was always fun having cousins around. Getting that sense of a really big family. It was wonderful! Now, I personally don’t want four or five, but I do want two. That’s my number. But I don’t know if that number will ever be a reality or just a dream.

Grr, I just wish it were my husband's number too.

p/s Sorry guys, I’m just stressing! I don't like to talk about our "problems", and this really isn't a "problem" because we aren't fighting about it. Things are good right now, I'm not planning on rocking the boat. I just freak out about the future sometimes. This blog becomes my place to talk about it. I don’t want a baby RIGHT now, I just feel like the clock is ticking and I'd just like for it to pause. LOL!