First, let me just say that contrary to this posts “mood”, I am actually in a good mood today. It’s just something I have been thinking about for a while now. Second, this is long!
So, this post is about friendships and how I feel about some of the friends “in my life” right now. By friends I mean: People you talk to regularly, go visit, or share your thoughts with. And I used to have a ton of people in my life! If you even check out my Facebook, it would seem as though I have more than my fill of friends. But some, I don't even talk to anymore. There was a time when I would have gladly taken a bullet for some, and some I defended with everything I had. But when it came down to it, the minute I was pronounced Mrs. Rosenbalm, it’s like I was no longer a person that could do anything on her own. The calls stopped, and no one invited me anywhere. They would ask my husband “Hey, do you and your girl want to come over and hang later?” or “Hey, do you want to come over? Raquel can come too.” It was like they assumed I wasn’t allowed to make decisions as to where we were going to hang out, or like I couldn’t even go out at all anymore. My husband says they were just “respecting him as being the husband”. And I guess I could see that, but it still bothered me a little.
Well, then I became pregnant. And all of a sudden I was just the party pooper/raging bitch that didn’t want to have fun anymore. Most of my friends took off at this point. No calls, no nothing. My husband got calls though, and then he’d get upset with me for not wanting to go anywhere. But, I was PREGNANT! He wasn’t and he had no idea what was going on inside of me. Now if I wasn’t throwing up, I was tired from being at work all day. If I wasn’t reading up on what pregnancy was going to be like, I was trying to manage bills and rent. It was as if I had gone from being this 21 year old to a sixty years old overnight. I was/am trying to be responsible. And all this while trying to keep my marriage together, trying to have a healthy pregnancy, and trying to keep my husband's drug use to a minimum (and out of jail)- that’s when we started having problems. ((But that’s a story for another time, maybe. Everything’s good now.))
So here are all of my “friends” talking about how I’ve changed so much, and how I just “don’t know how to have fun anymore.” And there I was, wondering why the hell I had these friends in the first place? I mean, really? Who does that? I believe that once you become pregnant, you have some major life-changing to do. It shouldn’t be all about parties, your next high, or “hanging out”. You are now responsible for a tiny little human. That child will rely on your for a very long time. It is up to you to love them, teach them, care for them, and provide for them. So, it goes without saying that my “fun times” were now pretty much over. Because I couldn’t be in between. I couldn’t be this party girl that got drunk/high every week(end) and be a good mom at the same time. That’s just not going to happen. And that right there was pretty much the nail in some of my friendship coffins. I know that some of these people still talk about it. One “friend” even told my husband recently
“Man, she used to be all about getting high and having a good time, and now she’s just boring and doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of it? Fuckin lame.”
Can you believe that? Being called lame for being a responsible parent? Yea, he’s no longer considered a friend in my eyes. In the end, I really don’t care what he (or anyone else) thinks because I know that I’m doing a damn good job at being a mom. But it just blows my mind that “responsible parenting” is seen as “lame”. And this is why I don’t see how younger girls, rush into it. If you don’t want to give things up, if you still want to go out and rage, don’t let yourself get pregnant! Use protection! I knew from the moment I started having sex (at 19, with my now husband) that if I ever became pregnant I was keeping it, and that I was going to have to leave my party ways behind. And I was ok with those consequences! It would be a responsibility I would (and have) taken gladly. Again, I’m sidetracking...sorry!!
Anyway, I know your life isn’t “over” just because you had a kid. It’s all about balance because you do need time for yourself from time to time. You need to cut loose a bit, for your sanity as well as for your marriage. But I couldn’t dabble anymore. I have such a hard time with balance (in case you haven’t noticed). So I went from one extreme to the other. I went from partying really hard to not going out at all hardly. I went from getting drunk on the weekends to maybe having a total of three beers in a MONTH. All because I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to fail at being a mother. I don’t want to let my daughter down. I don’t want there to ever be something more important to me than my family and real friends. Because none of those highs will ever be better than seeing my daughter smile and giggle. Those highs will never be better than getting to see her do things for the first time. I don’t ever want to miss out on that.
To me, being a mom isn’t something you do because everyone else is doing it. It’s not something you do because you think it’ll be nothing but fun. It’s not something you should enter into lightly because you want “someone to love you”. Parenting is hard work. It’s stressful sometimes. You worry, you cry, you have some amazing times. But it’s not something you can just hand back and say “You know what...I’m just not ready for this right now.” This is another human being; another soul that you must care for. And I don’t want to fail her. Unfortunately, there are people out there that don’t see it that way. I know plenty of parents idiots that even after having a kid continue to use drugs (and I’m not talking about weed). They still get drunk and even bring their child along to the parties (going home after they’ve “sobered up”). And that pisses me off! I wish I could just tell them to grow up! To be responsible for their KIDS! To stop putting their babies in harm's way for their own selfish wants! But, they don’t want to let go. They want to continue life as if they never had a kid.
So that’s why I’m removing some people from my life. And not in an awful “I hate you go away” kind of way. More like a “see you soon” kind of way. Because some of these friends, well, they still haven’t grown up. They are still out there having “good times” with no responsibilities. And I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on those good times because I can’t be out there doing the same. I don’t want to feel like I’m being left behind when really, I just ran ahead. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing, and I’m tired of feeling guilty about it. One day, I will find that balance that I want. I will find a way to go out and have fun in moderation. I will learn how to control my liquor and not pick fights with my husband. And I will find new friends! Friends that know and understand what I am going through. Friends that are in the same place in life as we are.
But right now, it’s time for me to let go of some of the ones that don't...
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