Fade

I've been talking a lot about friendships lately. I think it’s because I’m starting to really look at which ones are there for me and which ones aren’t. I feel like I’m just starting to move into a new phase in my life, a phase that will only include the most important people moving forward with me. I really feel that this is a necessary step for me to move ahead into “adulthood” and to finally shed away many of my teenage reminiscences. 

Which brings me to friendships I want to keep. Friendships that mean a lot to me. And that brings me to this lovely lady:

She is one of my best friends! Her name is Kamille, and I love her to pieces. Unfortunately, we have a bit of a problem:

She lives here

& I live here

And quite frankly, this whole “living so far away for long periods of time” thing is a bit weird to me because, from the moment I met her, we lived close to each other. I even moved to California with her! Then I moved back and after a few months, she moved back too. Then, she left back to Cali, I got pregnant, and we’ve stayed in contact as best as we possibly can! But, I miss her so much! And recently, it’s gotten worse! I miss the hour-long talks and being right down the road from her. I miss sitting in her living room watching kid movies for hours. I miss how she made taking a ride to Taco Bell the most fun a girl could have. LOL! She was the person I could talk to about anything and everything! From poop to sex, to childbirth, to drugs, to growing up! She never not once judged me for being me either. And it never mattered what time I called or how early I was at her doorstep, she was always there for me (and vice versa). She’s taught me a lot about being a mother, and family coming first. She’s taught me to keep my head up and never let anyone bring me down. She has taught me that I will make mistakes, and so long as I try to make things right, it'll be ok! And that sometimes you just need to cry. So now with this distance, and with us being apart for so long, I don't have that anymore.

I know I've said in my previous posts, that I've come to realize many of my friends aren't my friends anymore. Yes, we've had great times and at one point in life, I would have gladly taken a bullet for some of them. But now....we are all just drifting. We are all in different stages of life! We are all growing in what we are supposed to become and my lifestyle may not be for them, nor their's mine. Some of them have gotten “smaller” rather than grow, and some of them have completely surpassed me. And that’s OK! These friendships are naturally fading. I don’t grieve for there loss at all! Instead, I’m happy for them! I’m happy that they are doing their thing! But mine and Kami’s friendship is one of the ones I don’t want to see fade. 

And I’m not sure what to do to stop it really? I really hope that this isn't one of the friendships I'll have to let go. We try calling and texting as much as possible. But with us having such crazy schedules (she's a mommy of three and step-monster of two), and being in two different time zones, it makes finding time harder than usual. I usually heard from her at least once a month and recently I could tell she was in a weird place. Like she was in a funk? And it was just so strange to not be able to get some Frappuccino's, walk across the street, and just say “Let’s talk.” Because that’s what we used to do!! There wasn't ever anything that some Frappuccino’s and laughs couldn't fix. It's been almost a month and a half since I've heard from her, and it seems like that space is getting farther and farther apart.

Not being able to really be there for her, especially at this time in her life, is just weird to me. It feels wrong, and like I’m failing her as a friend. And her not reaching out to me like before, or even sending me a quick text to let me know how things are has left me feeling a bit hurt.

& I have no idea what to do about this?