This past year I had very little family time. I was caught up in everything else that I lost sight of some things. Don’t get me wrong, it was a decent year despite all the hardships and I really feel like I've grown into myself a lot. I've handled things to the best of my abilities, and I’m proud of myself for that. I've laid some things to rest and I've also opened up new doors. I've discovered a few things about myself and I hope that this year I get to discover more. But with all of this “newness”, I have to find a way to keep myself grounded. Which means I need to turn the cell phone off, close my laptop, & turn off the TV more often. I need to think before I speak. I need to listen, and learn. I need to make time for what's important and cut out what is not. I need to enjoy the now and open myself up to new adventures.
Currently, my “parenting” (and all that it entails) is not exactly where I’d like it to be. My daughter, who will turn 3 next month, is already catching on to the fact that I spend a lot of time with books, papers, and a computer in front of me. In fact, last week while I was looking at my schedule, and emailing student services she told her father that she needed his help because I was ‘not listening’ to her. Can you believe that? It broke my heart. I don’t want her to think that I purposely ignore her or that I’m too busy for her. So, I need to work on this. I need to set time aside for her, regardless of the circumstances. I need to focus on her, and allow her to have my undivided attention whenever she feels she needs it. And I need to tell myself that sometimes, other things can just wait. My little Ocean, should come before it all. Always.
My marriage is also something that could use some attention. Things have never been easy for us, but this past year we've just been going through it. It just feels like everything has hit us in some form or another. We aren't always on the same page, our schedules are complete opposites, financial stress is at its highest, and communication isn't always our top priority. Now, even though the problems weren't always slapping us in the face, they were right there under the surface. And those are the worst! But we acknowledge it, and try our best to work things out. To understand. Still, it could use some care and attention if we plan on making it till we’re old and grey. Sometimes, things get worse before they get better though. I’m not afraid to admit this either because marriage takes work. And you have to work at it constantly because you're both constantly changing and growing.
And finally I need to continue working on me. For the longest time I felt like I was stuck. Like life was passing me by and I had no clue how to stop it. Confidence in myself and my abilities were at an all time low. The change I craved never came. I kept trying to mold myself into the person, wife, and parent many people expected me to be. I said no, and passed up a lot of things that I wanted to do because I just felt like that was the old me and there was no room for her in my life anymore. I was so unhappy for such a long time. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s how I felt. I finally made a promise to work on me, and now I feel like it’s paying off. I feel better. Physically and emotionally. I know that there’s still so much more to work on. I know that I’m not exactly where I’d like to be. To be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the point where I am completely accepting of myself. And there are days when I feel like I’m right back at the beginning. But I’m closer than I was last year, and that’s what I need to always keep in mind.
I feel like this year will bring on even more soul searching, new adventures, and many self discoveries. I just need to be open to them. I need to learn to be quiet, and patient. I need to learn from everything, and others around me. I need to let go of things, and people that need letting go of. And I need to take the good with the bad. I should feel so lucky to be able to learn from any and all of the mistakes I make. They’re a part of life, and the many lessons I have yet to learn. And I’m ready to embrace all of it. I’m ready to move forward, and to grow. You know, carpe diem and all that jazz? So, I’m determined to do this. I’m determined to be a better person, wife, and mother because I want to be. And I’m determined to live the life that I want, in the way that I want to live it.
