5 AM - Wednesday

Technically, it's Wednesday (8/14) as I write this. Yesterday, I worked on a post until almost midnight and hit publish. Only, as I laid in bed tossing around for about an hour, I realized I wasn't ready for that post to go up. I wasn't ready to be that open again. So, I got up at 1 AM and reverted it back to a draft. It just didn't feel right to me. Or maybe, it just needed to be polished a bit more? I don't know exactly what my issue was about the words I had thrown together but I didn't feel good about them. So here I am, 5 AM on Wednesday, creating something completely different. 

Lately, it seems like time has just been slipping away. I make plans for the day, with every intention of being productive, but by the time 9 PM rolls around, I feel like I barely got anything accomplished. The demands of the day have pulled me into so many directions and I just haven't been able to keep up with it all. It makes me envious of those parents who can run on about four or five hours of sleep. What's your secret people, seriously? It's hard for me to juggle being a present parent 24/7, working full-time, completely household chores, finding time for self-care, carving out an hour to work out, doing my therapy reading/worksheets, reading, working a side job on most Saturday's, writing, going to church, and still managing to have us in bed by 10 PM on the regular. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day, y'all! As I lay in bed on most nights, I just feel like I've failed at the majority of those things I had set out to do. I look back and realize that I wasn't even able to completely cross off one thing on my daily list. But I close my eyes and tell myself I'll do better. I tell myself that the next day I'll be more productive. I'll get more done. And I'll find some way to squeeze more time out of the day. 

What hit me as I woke up this morning, was the word, "STOP". The alarm went off, and my mind was screaming at me to slow down. Breathe. Remove the clutter I keep dragging back into my life and start working on what I really LOVE. So, that's what I plan on doing. What I plan to work on for the rest of the week. Decluttering my life- making more space for the things that I find truly important. I had already done it once before but I was slowly bringing everything back in again. It's as if I was telling myself, "Okay, you're doing better now so it's okay to bring back this packed schedule of meaningless bullshit and distractions." This morning though, as I sat here thinking of what I wanted to write, did it actually dawn on me how stupid that really was. I'm doing better because I got rid of things, people, and made time for what was important to me. Which means that all of that stuff needed to stay gone. There's no room for it here anymore. And if I really want to take care of myself, if I really want to find a way to move forward in my life, then I need to stop. 

Otherwise, I'll just slip right back into my depression. I'll end up stuck in my grieving process. I'll end up holding onto all of the things that I should let go of. I'll be back on my medication within a year, and feeling unhappy. "You can't expect different results without change," as the saying goes. And I'll have made absolutely no progress in anything. Remaining stuck. Everything will just be these half-assed versions of what I wanted to accomplish. Things I promised but never actually fulfilled. Goals I set but never even attempted. I'll be a shell of a mother that missed out on so many things because she was distracted or constantly needing to be "fixed". And that's not what I want, y'all. So, here's to changes. Here's to removing the bullshit. Here's to being more present with the people in my life. To putting the phone down. Again. Setting healthy boundaries and working on controlling my emotions. Here's to being the best mom that I can be, while also understanding that nobody is perfect so I shouldn't be so damn hard on myself. And here's to getting back to living life. To being positive and looking forward to my days. Here's to letting the light back in.