Raquel? Raquel Who?

I was writing an email to my friend the other day, she's going on a business trip this month and feels bad about having to leave her little boy because she's going to miss him terribly, and at one point I wrote this:

"Take those three days as a "semi" vacation. I wish I could get one. I would miss Emery so much, but I've realized that I have been so busy trying to be the perfect mom, trying to work to pay for EVERYTHING, and I've been trying to make everyone else happy that I don't give ME any time to breathe. I know that our needs don't come first anymore, but does that mean that we aren't allowed to do anything for ourselves? Do we just stop existing? It's like Raquel is no longer a person, it's Emery's mom or Beau's wife. And that kind of sucks. So even though you're going to miss your little man, try to enjoy a few days to yourself. Who knows when you'll get that chance again."

I find that this ONE of MANY things that has been troubling me lately. Everyone knows that my husband can't work at the moment so he's at home with Emery. My dad gets home at 3 pm, and if I am not at my house by 5:30 pm, I am getting calls. "Why aren't you here? Beau's been with the baby all day, you need to come take her so he can get a break." Apparently, it's my "job" as a woman to take care of the child with no complaints. It's my "job" to not think about my needs anymore. No one ever calls Beau when I've had Emery all day to tell him to come give me a break (not saying that I need one) do they? No. My father and I are constantly butting heads over this too. So, I talked to my mother and she said that my dad's way of thinking is purely based on the fact that he never had to take care of my brother and I because he was always working. He lived in Georgia till I was about 4 years old, and then he worked the night shift in Brownwood before going to FMC. Then, a few weekends ago, my brother said something that troubled me. He said that I need to stop leaving Emery with my mom when I go run errands because Emery won't stop crying, and it's frustrating for my parents. He told me that just because mom offers, doesn't mean I have to say yes. I had Emery, so I need to have her with me all the time and if I can't handle that, I should have been smart enough to not get pregnant. And he said I don't need to have any type of life, that I should be solely focused on my daughter's needs. Then he finished with "Raquel, you can't think about you anymore. You're doing an ok job as a mom, but you could do a whole lot better."

:::pause:::

Thanks?? I mean how am I suppose to reply to that?? I thought I was doing a pretty good job, and here comes an onlooker in the form of my brother telling me that I am not. What the crap? Have I not put everyone else before me enough? Have I not put my husband's (you don't even know) and my daughter's needs before mine enough? How much more do I need to do? What else do I need to sacrifice before I am allowed a guilt-free break? Why is thinking about my needs completely out of the question? No one else is thinking about them. And why is it so wrong to let my mom take care of Emery for an afternoon so I can go get some things from town?? It's a lot easier and quicker, isn't it?

Anyone else out there feel like they're invisible? Does having a child really mean the end of you as a person? My mother tells me to not pay attention to them because a) My brother doesn't have a child so he has no room to talk and b) My dad left everything up to my mom, even after he moved back so he has no room to talk. But, it's hard to not pay attention to them when I keep getting served this big bowl of reasons as to why I am failing as a mother.