Some of you (-ahem- KIM) did not get what I meant on my previous post (Letting Go, Part One). What I had written didn't fully come across as what I meant, unless you were in my head (then you totally got it). This all started out, with me noticing my overall change. Settling back home, and changing my appearance to fit in. Giving things up to please others and doing things out of sheer stupidity because I was bored. That wasn't who I had intended to be. I got completely off track.
I know that my clothes, do not define who I am. It's more like what the clothes represented to ME. That sense of being different, and doing my own thing. I was secure in who I was before. Always. I've forgotten how to be like that now. I have changed so much over the years, and I stopped doing the things that I liked. I've done so many things to please others, or to somewhat fit in (example: I bought a pair of cowgirl boots to fit in with the ladies at work so they wouldn't think I was so strange...??). I somehow left behind that "I don't give a fuck what you think of me" attitude and replaced it with a "So what if I have baby food stains on my shirt every day, my eyebrows are all out of whack, I shower only every other day, my hair's a mess, and I wear clothes that 2 years ago I wouldn't be caught dead in because I don't want to exercise??" attitude. Pssshhhttt! I seemed to have stopped EVERYTHING. I stopped "keeping up" with myself. I have no motivation. I stopped being me.
When you're young, you have such a PASSION for things. You are so dead set on living YOUR life the way YOU want. I seem to have lost that somewhere along my way to adulthood. Slowly, as I got older, I started changing to gain acceptance. I started to feel very insecure about who I was. And that's not what I want for my daughter. I want her to love things the way I (eventually, but she can skip that part) did. I want her to have goals, dreams, and ambitions that I did not. I want her to be a strong person. I want her to dance to the beat of her own drum. I want her to not let any man, or person for that matter, tell her that she needs to change who she is to fit in. I am supposed to show her that I LOVE her more than anything in this world and above all, that she should LOVE herself for who she is! But, in order for her to learn all of this, she must have an example. Not just any example either, A GOOD EXAMPLE. And how can I be an example of what a strong, "dance to your own drum" woman should be like if I have no idea if I'm even that person anymore?? If all she sees is a mother who is completely insecure, has no motivation, and is confused about who she is...what will she get from that? Nothing, that's what.
I understand we have to grow up and be responsible. We can't exactly be sixteen forever. I understand that being a parent means giving things up and making sacrifices. It means teaching your children the RIGHT things. And balance has been a hard thing for me to find. Finding myself, and figuring out who I am as a mother, a wife, and my own person have proven to be very difficult, and so far an impossible task.
But who knows, maybe this is supposed to be a good thing? Maybe me "loosing" who I was is for the best? Maybe it will make me a better mother in the end (because that is what I really want)? Maybe I am on the path of self-discovery, but I'm stubbornly trying to hold on to what I knew (what was familiar to me)?
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