In most areas of my life, I’m a people pleaser. Work/Life balance has always been something that I struggled with. So, when asked if I could stay to answer phones while others went to lunch I would say “yes”. Or when asked if I could switch vacation days because someone else needed to take the same day(s), I would say “sure”. When asked if I could help out when someone fell behind on their workload, I would gladly take it on. Because - I’m a team player. And also because - it’s hard for me to say no. I spent a lot of my time trying to be flexible for the sake of others around me. I would always end up feeling sympathetic for them and let myself take a back seat. Sadly, all that ever got me was a toxic environment, getting walked all over, and then one time I was “written up” because I didn’t turn in my work -which really wasn’t my work - into the person by a certain time. Mind you I was also going through a lot in my personal life and I was trying to stay afloat. It’s safe to say that those were rough years but I pushed through.
Then, we had a turnover of employees. Some new blood came in. Changes were in the works and I was being asked for input. “Things are going to get better,” is what I was told. And while that was still in the works my personal life fell apart. But I still showed up. I still did the favors. I still said, “yes” every time. Then I started getting some attention and in all honesty, some favoritism. I benefited a lot from this and it made me feel like I mattered. So, I went as far as changing how I did things to satisfy others. I allowed myself to be talked into doing or saying things because I felt terrible about others' circumstances and didn’t want them to get into trouble. Making excuses for their behavior. I hardly ever spoke up when others took credit for my ideas. And since I had my hands in several different tasks my main job was taking a back seat. I wasn’t performing at the same level as the others in sales. Which at the time, I was told was understandable because of what they had been asking of me. So, with hardly any conflicts arising, I told myself that things were getting better. I lied to myself and kept my mouth shut.
However, this was also around the same time that I was told that there would be no advancing from where I was at. Even if I dropped the extra tasks and focused solely on my main job there would be no moving up in pay. The glass ceiling put in place was shatterproof. So, if I wasn’t going to be given the same job title as others in my position or the same pay, then I wanted to make a change. That’s when I opted to move into a different position. One with less stress. One that still allowed me to speak to our customers, allowed me to get out of the office, took advantage of my organizational skills, and afforded me some flexibility when it came to days off. And the relief I felt when I finally made the switch? Oh, it was wonderful! I was really enjoying my job again. I was feeling better about myself. Like I was helping, contributing, but also able to leave work at the door when the day came to an end. So, yea, things felt like they were great! And I finally felt like I had a handle on the whole “work/life balance” thing.
It wasn’t long after this that I started to make some changes in my personal life. Because I honestly want to be a better person. I had already started going to church again in the summer of last year. I also stopped drinking for a long while. Even now it’s a rare occasion. At the beginning of this year, I started reading a daily devotional as a way to adjust my focus. Then I started praying before work. And in previous years I had done my best to remain tight-lipped when people talked about others in our office. Trying to be impartial. Well, I stopped engaging in those conversations entirely. And while we all used to openly discuss our personal lives I started to hold back on that information as well. Because, honestly, it’s not professional to talk about all of our problems. It's not professional to talk about our sex lives, and/or grievances with our spouses/partners. But I had been there, right along with everyone else, speaking openly about all of it. Especially with the women in our office. At the time, I saw myself as an open book so I didn’t see a huge issue with my behavior. Plus, it also gave me this false sense of friendship with my co-workers. Like my work friendships were more than what they really were. Though, I do understand that there are certain things you can share with coworkers. Things that help create good, trusting, work relationships. Be that as it may, looking back I was completely wrong in a lot that I willingly divulged. So, after a lot of thought and prayer, I made the decision to stop.
And now, everything feels like it’s changing. The attention and favoritism are being placed elsewhere which was expected. Little jabs about religion get made occasionally. I’m not allowed to do things my way or make any changes. Certain tasks have been delegated to others. My duty list has become smaller. Things concerning me get discussed without me. Or while I’m out on vacation. My vacation and PTO alone should tell you just how often I don’t take time off from work. I’ve caught on to when I’m being used or manipulated. And it’s actually been very eye-opening to see. When I originally started -ten years ago this December- things were really different. And I understand that growth has to happen in order for businesses to thrive. In that aspect, the business is doing really well. I’m super grateful for all that the company has done for me too. Even now, in this pandemic when so many people have lost their jobs, I was blessed to continue to have one. And I can’t wait to see what the next few years have in store for the company. My boss has given A LOT of himself to make sure it continuously grows and I hope he reaps the rewards of his hard work. He truly deserves the blessings. I’m just not really sure where I fit in anymore?
Where once I was told a degree didn’t matter, it now looks like it does. The changes I’m trying to make in my personal life seem to contradict with the work environment that is being created. Loyalty is not taken into consideration anymore because it’s been mentioned that it can only count for so much. Not contributing to what comes across as toxicity has me on the outs. If I don’t participate in certain things then I’m made to feel like I’m easily replaceable. And it feels like I’m slowly being pushed out. So, what is there to do? How do I change things around? How do I create personal distance in order to be professional and positive without being indifferent? What can I do to contribute more? How do I find renewed motivation to do better, despite the issues that arise? Or is this beyond repair? Should I just keep my head down and do as I’m told? I’m just, I’m not exactly sure where to go from here. For now, I’m not going to worry about the glass ceiling or the things that are out of my control. Instead, I’m going to pray. I’m going to do my best at whatever I’m handed. And I’m going to trust that God has a plan in store for me.
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