Happenings - A Mental Health Update

I had every intention of starting this month off with a solid posting schedule. But then I started to feel really overwhelmed again. I felt like I needed to disconnect and unplug for a little while. Soon after, Emery got sick with a stomach bug for about three days, and of course, it was passed on to me. Before I knew it we were already two weeks into July and I realized just how badly I’d been neglecting this little blog of mine. Thanks for backing that up, Kim. However, on top of being sick, I was also dealing with a really bad case of writer’s block. Brought on by some recent changes. Even now, I honestly feel like I have no words beyond this update, which is super weird for me. The minute I sit down to start writing, or when I go to edit unfinished entries it’s such a struggle to make any kind of progress. Everything goes blank, and I’m left feeling really fucking frustrated. And all that does is make me feel anxious. Which spirals into me feeling like I just can’t get anything right. And that’s when I start to panic. So, instead of letting that cycle startup I just close my laptop and walk away.

About a month ago I started to feel slightly stunted when it came to my "mental health" progress. I felt like I had hit this great big wall. So, I began to read books about life, self-help, verbally abusive relationships, self-image, and codependency. I started to really dive into poetry, podcasts, and Dermot Kennedy’s music. I started attending church regularly and I even started the process of being allowed to receive communion again. This has been something really important for me to achieve. But it wasn't until my last therapy session when I became slightly offended at one of my counselor’s observations that he said, “Think about the ‘why’ behind my observation. How I came to that conclusion. Dig a little bit deeper into the reason behind everything that we’ve talked about today. You’ve almost got it figured out but you’re holding yourself back. You’re so close to that breakthrough I can almost see it. But you close yourself off or ignore the obvious. Now think about ‘why’ you won’t allow yourself to get there.” I walked out of there feeling like my mind was working against me. It was just throwing up these roadblocks left and right which were preventing me from being able to move forward. And so, it was then that I decided - against my doctor’s advice - to *stop taking my antidepressants. 

For an entire week, I went back down to my 20mg dose. And then on the 8th, I stopped taking them altogether. So now, I’m dealing with the effects of coming off of my medication. I’m trying to keep myself in check and so far I think I’m doing a pretty good job. If you know anything about or have ever been on antidepressants yourself then you know that they help to keep you mentally and emotionally balanced. They have a very calming effect too; almost numbing. So, when you stop taking them you have to find other ways to bring that balance and clarity back on your own. And some days or moments can be tougher than others. But this isn’t my first rodeo, y’all. I’ve done all of this before so I know what to expect. I know what signs to look for and what could be considered red flags for me. And even though my doctor wanted me on it for two more months, was completely against me going cold turkey, I let him know what my plan was when I decided to follow through with it. Because of this, I was given an extra refill of my anxiety meds for emergency use only. Did I mention my doctor is actually pretty great and supportive of my goals? And even though I haven’t had to use the script I find comfort in knowing that it's there, like a safety net, if there's an emergency and I really need them. 

So, I feel like this recent transition has played a big part in my lack of motivation. It’s playing a part in my ability to stay focused. It's affecting my thought process which is why I can’t seem to write about anything for a long period of time. And why I leave a lot of things unfinished. It’s played a part in my lack of sleep, and constant body aches. It's basically the same as coming off of drugs. I’ve also caught myself overthinking several things to the point of forgetting what I was originally thinking of in the first place. But I’ve also been feeling things in a more normal way, I think. I don't just float through everything. I’ve also been questioning a lot of things and finally dealing with some stuff that I had been avoiding because I just couldn’t be bothered to “deal with it” before. Thankfully, based on previous experiences, this little limbo usually lasts about a month before everything is completely out of my system. And I usually go back to feeling like my normal non-medicated me again by the end of week three. I’m currently at the halfway point right now. So, there's a light at the end of this muddled tunnel and I'll be glad once I get there.

In the meantime, I've had to put myself first for a bit. Which took the form of inconsistent posts for a little while. It also meant disabling social media accounts to remove unnecessary negativity. And to put a lot of personal things on hold in order to make sure that I’m meeting 100% of my daughter’s needs while also dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with detoxing. And if at any time I decide that it’s best to be back on my medication then that's also a very valid option. Now, this isn't to say that everything has been bad or terrible. It's actually been really great! I've made a lot of progress in other areas of my life that I'm really proud of. Overall, I'm happy, content, and I'm doing things that I like. I've noticed that I smile and laugh a lot more too. Slowly, the weight of everything I've felt on my chest for the past 5+ years is being lifted off of me and I'm so grateful for that. However, what I AM saying is that the aid my medication was meant to provide was starting to taper off. And even though I’ve been diagnosed with depression, my particular diagnosis doesn’t require me to be on medication full-time. For me, antidepressants are like a band-aid meant to help the healing process along. And I finally feel like I'm in a place where I'm ready to move forward with the next step. To take off the band-aid for awhile. It’s time for me to put away the "crutches" and start standing on my own two feet again. So, bear with me while I shake the last bit of fog off, y'all. I'm hoping to be back to posting regularly by next week. Until then, have a great week!  💖

*IF YOU ARE ON MEDICATION PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE STOPPING ALTOGETHER. EVERYONE REACTS DIFFERENTLY AND YOUR PRIMARY SHOULD AT LEAST BE INFORMED OF WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. IF YOU START TO FEEL OFF OR BEGIN HAVING UNUSUAL THOUGHTS PLEASE SEEK HELP RIGHT AWAY, AND RESUME TAKING YOUR MEDICATION UNTIL YOU CAN BE SEEN BY YOUR DOCTOR.