You Matter; Always

Before I get into this post, let me just say that this is a WARNING as the subject matter could be considered triggering. I’ll briefly mention things like suicide, self-harm, and drug use. If any of this is uncomfortable or you find it to be a trigger please just skip it.

I’ve never been shy about the things that I’ve done in the past. I’ve even opened up about a specific suicide attempt when I was a teenager. It was my last one, but it had not been my first. And throughout my teenage years, I did a lot of self-harm. From lighters to razor blades, and box cutters to needles. I still have plenty of visible scars that serve as a reminder of that time in my life. I did a lot of drugs, from weed to prescription pills to cocaine. As long as it didn't require me to use a needle I was usually up for it. Looking back on those years now I feel like someone up there was looking out for me because there are several times that I know I should have died. Sitting here now as I type this up I get this sense of strength inside for some reason. I’d like to think it’s because I survived it. I got through it. I had a support system and a family that loved me. I made it to the other side with a lot of help. And yet, even with all of that, it’s still something that will never entirely go away. Years later it’s not necessarily a daily struggle anymore, but I would be lying if I said that those urges never resurface. That those thoughts haven’t popped up during some of my lowest moments. The difference is that now those feelings serve as red flags. Signs that it’s time to reach out. I look at my daughter, I hold her, and I remember why I won’t let any of that come back. Then I get out of the house, or I go for a run. I turn up some of my favorite music and dance around in my living room. Sometimes even in the nude because fuck it. I go out and do something that I want to do for myself. I pick up the phone and I call someone. As soon as I start to feel low, I make it a point to do something about it and how I’m feeling. I talk about what’s going on with someone, or I make an appointment. And that’s essentially my “mental health/self-care” game plan in a nutshell.

Well recently, I had a conversation with someone about suicide. It was an honest and open conversation; no judgment. This person did not seem like someone who had ever thought about suicide, much less attempted it. Now I know everyone struggles in some way or another, but this person never struck me as the kind who had ever been in such a dark place. And yet, as I sat there listening, I could sense that they had probably surpassed my level of depression at one point. Which was slightly shocking. But do you know what was even worse? Hearing that they never had what I had. The surprised look on their face when I told them that I had eventually asked for help from my parents and that THEY got it for me. Apparently, their parents would have shamed them. Then the double take when I spoke about how my brother would often hug me, or hold my hand when he knew I was going through something. “You’re doing great. Just breathe. You’re okay. I've got you.” Their sibling wasn't a part of their life; even now. I also mentioned that I had a best friend who would lay with me and let me cry when I just needed to get those emotions out. They said that they'd rather suffer before ever turning to anyone with those emotions. These all seemed like very unusual and foreign concepts to them. And it was written all over their face. “Didn't you have anyone?”, I asked. “No.”, was their response. And man, do I remember that feeling. That overwhelming voice in your head that constantly whispered in your ear that you were alone. My heart broke for them while we sat there. But then I also felt in awe of their strength. They went through so much, without help, and still came out on the other side. It takes a really strong person to do that. We sat across from each other in silence for a while before I looked up and said, “Look at me -- if you ever find yourself feeling that low again, just know I’m a phone call away. I’m always here if you need it.” 

So, today, I just wanted to put this out there for anyone having a hard time. As a reminder that you are amazing and bright. That you are worthy of someone’s time, compassion, and love. What you’re feeling is just that, a feeling--an emotion, and sometimes those fuckers can be so damn deceiving. Or heightened. Or really raw, and brutal. But they pass. They can be worked through. There are so many people in this world that have gone through the same thing. That have felt the same intensity in their lives. The overwhelming sadness, and hopelessness. So, just know that you are definitely not alone. And it’s okay to seek help, treatment, or to talk to someone about what you’re feeling. What you're going through. You're not crazy, and none of these outlets equate weakness. But above all else, please, remember that you matter. Always. And if you ever need anything, I’m just a message away.

May is "Mental Health Awareness Month" and you can click here for more information.