The Sting of Humiliation

Today, my post will be highly embarrassing. For me. I’m about to expose myself in a way that I’ve NEVER done before. You see, recently I found myself to be highly unmotivated when it came to working out and eating right. I would put it off for “tomorrow”, and then conveniently not be able to do it. Then, I started to just eat whatever I wanted. Chicken Express, Taco Bell, and Jack in the Box. I stopped watching portions, and as I stated before, my weight rose back up. Out of the 12 lbs that I had lost, I gained all but 3 back.

My clothes started to feel tight again. My energy levels started giving out around 10 am. And not only did I feel fat, but I looked fat. Flab everywhere! I can’t ever look at myself without being critical of everything. From the stretch marks, to the big nose, and the jelly-like thighs. It’s just something I’ve always done. But, I also remember a time when even though I was critical, I had a good self image of myself. I was content with how I looked. Today, I find that I’m completely disgusted with myself. And slowly, the person looking back at me in the mirror has become such a disappointment. And all in less than two months time! That’s how quickly it took me to fall back down. To gain most of the weight back, and to go back to feeling awful.

So now I’m pissed. I‘m mad at myself for letting this happen. For stalling my own progress. I’m angry with myself for being lazy. I’m ashamed at how weak I am when it comes to junk food. How I would just reach for junk without thinking. And I know that I can plan all I want but it’s what I do, and what I allow myself to put into my body that really matters. No one else is responsible for my weight gain other than me. And self discipline is the only thing that will get me back on track right now. I have to want this. I have to be strong enough to say NO. Because if I’m not, I’ll look like this (or worse) for the rest of my life. 

Which brings me right back around to motivation, and embarrassment. I hardly ever post pictures of myself from the boobs down. Even then you can still tell by my face that I’m on the chubby side. So on Wednesday, I thought about a post I once wrote about taking pictures throughout my progress. But, I was way too embarrassed, and I never did. So today, I’m posting pictures, unedited, of myself in all my glory. No, not naked. I'm giving you the gross, flabby, stretch mark covered me.  Because I need this. I need to know that I put these out there, knowing that I don’t want them out there. Because it’s embarrassing. It's humiliating. And because I don’t want people to see me like this. So in order to get these images out of your (and my) head, I need to change it. I need to be able to post pictures of progress, so that I can say:

“That was me then."

February 8, 2012 CW: 167lbs