Georgia

If you’ve been reading my posts recently then you know that right before my aunt passed away we drove out to Georgia to see her. I wasn’t sure what to expect when we got there. And to be honest I was in denial. I wasn’t convinced that things were as bad as everyone was making it out to be. And I remember asking one of my other aunt’s “Can you tell me what she looks like? Can you prepare me for what we’ll be walking into?” They told me to be positive. Hold her hand, and smile. Talk to her about the future; with her included. They told me to laugh with her, and sing along when we did our in-house worship. And that’s what I did. I’m thankful for that opportunity. I’m thankful for that time, and those moments. These are memories I'll be able to hold on to for the rest of my life.

But do you know what else I’m pretty grateful for? Getting to spend time with family. Every time we get together it’s a wonderful time. We stay up late talking into the night, and exchange stories. We share updates about how we've been, and what we've been up to. My uncle Ned will be cracking jokes or singing songs. Loudly. The kids will be running around in the front yard. And there’s always food being cooked as well as coffee being brewed. I mean a lot of coffee, y’all. When we enter into stores or restaurants as a group we always manage to turn heads. Probably because we’re that loud family that requires three to four tables to be pushed together in order to fit. Think “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”, only we’re Mexican. It’s really great! I love being a part of a big family. This is probably why I always saw myself having one (though we’ve established that this won’t be the case). But this doesn’t mean that my brother or the rest of my cousins won’t have several children to keep the big family traditions going. My little one has plenty of cousins, and I hope that I’m able to provide her the opportunity to see them as often as possible. Some of my earliest and fondest memories involve my cousins so I’d like Emery to experience the same in her life. Fingers crossed!

Now, there’s this feeling I get when I’m surrounded by my family. I’d say it’s happiness, but I feel like it’s more than that. And sometimes I wish I could bottle it up in order to keep it on hand for when I really need it. Y'all know the days. I hope everyone of you out there have experienced this feeling before too. At least once in your life. That feeling of completeness; of being loved. Knowing that no matter what, you will be okay. It’s an incredible feeling, and I get it every time we’re together. When the conversations are loud, when there's booming laughter, and when everyone is just smiling from ear to ear. This past visit I remember sitting on the front porch with my cup of coffee, and just listening. Watching my family interact, and laugh. Everyone hugging one another. And it was a beautiful thing. I kept thinking, "This is what family is all about." Coming together for one another. Serving each other when in need. Supporting each other. I was reminded, again, of just how truly blessed I am. So, even though the circumstances for our visit were really sad I’m thankful to have been able to spend a few days with the people that matter to me. The people I love most in this world.

*This visit I spent more time just being with my family rather than taking pictures. Plus, all of the others I took had the kids faces displayed & y'all know how I feel about that. So, sorry-not- sorry for the lack of pictures. 😝

Reflections

I need a vacation.

I need some downtime.

I need to feel the sand beneath my toes!!

Oceanside, Ca (City close to where I used to live in California)

Oh, how I miss this place. And people can go on and on about how "Oh you just like it because you like the idea of California, not the place itself" but that's not true. I do love the ocean, but I don't always like getting in it- there's the difference. I loved walking down the pier, and the way the air was a bit salty when we went to visit. I loved watching those sunsets go down every night. I miss the FOUR lane freeways. I miss road construction being done overnight. I miss our old roommates. I like the independence being off on our own brought us. I miss the mountains and the palm trees. I miss the friendships I had only just started. I miss the option of having stuff to do! I just miss it...

And it saddens me that I made the decision to move back to Texas right when because things got rough. I'll admit it, I freaked out! We were told our landlord was thinking of selling the place, and soon. We had no money saved to get a new place. Prices on everything were going up, and it was literally about 2 months before jobs all went downhill and everyone lost them! But if I hadn't made that decision, we both probably would have lost our jobs, we'd be struggling to make ends meet/keep a roof over our heads, probably would have not gotten married, and Emery may not have come to be. So for that, I am not sad. We have had so much support from our families, and despite living in a P.O.S. house right now, at least we don't have to worry about how we're going to come up with rent for the month. Or how we're going to get Emery what she needs! So for that, I AM grateful to have made the move!

But I so crave getting out of here one day. I crave being at that beach again. I crave to see how Emery reacts at seeing the ocean for the first time! I crave getting to wear FLIP-FLOPS year round! I crave those hot (but not too hot) afternoons. And I crave having a sushi place around every corner.

-sigh-

But, I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandmother.-You too Kim and Olivia.- I love Texas because it's my home. It is a part of me, and how I was brought up. I'm a meat-eating, sweet tea drinking, y'all saying, country girl folks and I won't deny it! I like big trucks, sometimes my "southern" accent gets out, and I really don't mind getting my hands dirty. And, I also love knowing that if something bothers me I can go next door (or when I lived in town I just had to drive 25 minutes) to talk to my mommy. I love knowing that I do get to see my grandmother EVERY day especially now that she's older, and let's face it will one day leave us. I love getting to spend that time. Time we wouldn't otherwise have. I love getting to spend time with my family (they are what's important after all). Because up until I had moved to California, I knew nothing else! Yes, I was rebellious and constantly "hating" life but I still loved my family. 

So, even though I miss California so much and constantly want to go back, I'm always thinking about how much I would miss it here. Not really the town (or the house), but more like the people. The family stability and support I get from being here. But, I am so different and unique in a way that I hardly ever truly feel like I fit in better more in one place than the other. And just like I feel so passionate about Texas and my family here....my husband feels that about California and his family there. 

So what's in store for us, I have no clue? Will I ever be able to live by that beach again? Maybe. Will we make our forever home here in Texas? Maybe. Things are so uncertain, and we can't seem to ever decide on where we want our family to stay. Where do we want to start our life, together, as a family? 

We just don't know.

Hubby Is Back; Debt Collector Taken Care Of and It's Raining!!!

My husband is baaaaccccckkkk!!! They arrived yesterday night. Despite being annoyed with him not calling, I truly missed him. And I was right about the drinking, my cousins did take him out and so did my dad. Everyone reported back that he handled himself well and that he knew when to cut himself off. Which makes me proud!!

Today I had a bad day. My check was less than $400. I won't be able to pay for some things we need bc insurance, lawyer, and tickets had to be paid first. I'm glad I bought all that extra formula and diapers last pay check or we'd be in some deep crap. Then, I got another call from the debt collector...at work! I've been trying to settle or at least get some of my fees waived because it was not my fault that I went over, it was the companies. I managed to get what I wanted and to lower the payments!!! So even though I'm still in debt, at least they're giving me a break.

And to end my day, it is raining!!! Lightning and thundering too! I love it! It makes me happy. The sound of the clinking on the metal roof, the way the room lights up, and those big rumbles; got to love a good storm! Emery's sleeping right through it, LOL!!!

Ok, well, I'm off to bed! Tomorrow is my half day and I want it to get here as soon as possible.