Two Weeks

It's been two weeks of silence on my part. I've written and rewritten this. I've read and reread it. Things have settled down enough for me to go ahead and get things off my chest and I intend to do just that. But I'm also really terrified of putting everything about this out there. Mainly because it involves my husband, and even though he knows I have a blog he's never looked at it. So I'm not entirely too sure about how he feels about me discussing this openly. I know I can always take it down, but I felt like I needed to write this down. For me, just as much as for you. So here goes:

My husband and I spent a week apart to think about where we want our relationship to go. He stayed at our house and I spent it over at my parents. Some people are probably asking "Why?" or "A week? That's it? That's hardly a separation." But the week was supposed to be some what of a "preview". There was no contact between the two of us, and he only called when he wanted to talk with Emery. We had a week to decide whether we wanted more time apart to think things over, in which case we'd come together to make arrangements for a longer separation. But my main concern was our daughter. I didn't want Emery feeling displaced or uncomfortable about not being at her house, in her regular environment, and that's the reason for the one week time frame.

Now comes the "Why?" And let me just say that I never in my entire life knew such a little word could be so loaded. There are a lot of things that I want to change that he doesn't want. There are a lot of things that he wants to hold on to that I really need completely out of my life. We both have our demons, and for lack of better words, sometimes those fuckers won't let go. No matter how hard you kick, scream, and beg for them to. A lot of times I was left with my heart in my hands, wondering how the hell I got here? How did our lives take this turn? And a lot of the time I was left feeling torn in two. Knowing what the "healthy" and "society friendly" decision should be verses the "till death do us part" vows I took. There were days when everything was okay, we had compromised, and we felt like we were finally moving forward in our lives. But they were quickly overshadowed by the arguments, the fighting, the accusations, and overall stress of our current situation. It literally felt like the minute we were doing well, and making progress something would come along to knock us back down. For me it has been such a  vicious, draining, cycle and I'm just so tired of it.

After a week of separation, Emery started to ask why we weren't going home. She would cry because her dad wasn't there at night, and she'd ask if he was coming to see us. Then, I cried after she'd fall asleep because despite all of the encouragement, and support I felt completely alone, confused, and sad. I felt like my world was dissolving and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. After the week, still with no clear resolution or decision, we headed back home. I was ready to sleep in my own bed, to have my things, and to be back into what was familiar. But with no real decision, all I could do was say my peace. I know what I want and what I don't. I spent a lot of time explaining myself, and my reasons. I don't want my husband to think that I don't love him, because I do. More than anyone can imagine. And that's probably why this is all so incredibly hard. But it's time for us to grow up. It's time for us to do what's best for us as a family and not what's best for us as individuals. We can't be a family like that. And I know that we can do better, be better, but it will come at a price. One that I'm completely willing to pay to take the necessary steps to move forward. But I can't do it alone. So it's up to him on whether or not we do this together.

I know I said I would give you details, but I honestly can't. It would take entirely too long, and I feel that the exact details of what happened/ are happening should be kept private. I wish I could say that this story ends up having a happy ending, but I just don't know. If you want to know who initiated this separation, I would say it was me. If you asked who set it off, I would say it was him. But don't think that this was just something that happened over night. It's been building for over a year. And we've had problems since before that. I've tried everything I can think of besides a counselor to figure out what to do. We've talked, and we've argued before. But when I said, changes needed to be made, I was serious. Because at the current rate, we wouldn't last another year before the hate and resentment would start to grow and that's not where I want my marriage heading.

For now we are under the same roof, being the best parents we can be. I've placed a new rule about discussing us only after Emery's asleep. I can say that we've decided to give our marriage a fighting chance, but we are taking things slow. I don't want to go back to pretending everything is all "sunshine and rainbows" when it clearly isn't. Avoiding the issues won't make them go away and there are certain things that need to happen before we can really move forward. There may or may not be a longer separation in the future. I honestly have no idea. We might need to finally see a marriage counselor or even seek individual counseling. Who knows? But, whatever happens we've decided that all of the next steps will be taken together and only after we're absolutely certain of them.