If I could tell you were the hell we stand as a family, as a couple, or as co-parents I would totally tell y'all. If I knew anything in regards to a court date, a rehab date, or even counselling sessions I would tell y'all that too. Unfortunately, we've hit a pause in any huge life changing decisions. Not because I want to, or because my husband wants to. More along the lines of some other important shit has come up first, and well we have to deal with that first. So for right now, we're in this weird, "in house" separation type of thing.
Two weeks after my husband left the house he was back. A lot of the people who claimed, or stated that they wanted to help ended up back tracking really quickly. Those that said they'd step in to get some help, or even offered to help find housing never even answered their phones when the time came. Which to be honest wasn't that surprising. But the one person who I really thought had changed things around, and was sincere in their offer ended up being a complete let down. So, in the end I was the one left holding the bag. After speaking with my family, talking to my daughter at length about what was going on, and finally speaking to my husband about what he was asking of me I decided to let him stay in our home. I know it's strange to some people, but so far we basically co-parent as best as we can. We've talked through a lot of this with our daughter, and that's as far as the clarity goes.
During the time he was away, my daughter talked about how she missed her dad. On one particularly rough night I asked her what would make her feel better? Did she want to talk to him? Did she want to see him? Did she want to cry? Did she want to talk about what she was feeling? She thought for a moment, and then told me she just missed her dad being there where she could see him. So I had her FaceTime him, and afterwards she said she felt better. That was a hard night for me. It hurt my heart to see her so sad. That was a night when I questioned everything. Was I right in what I was doing? Was I making a selfish decision? Was I completely in the wrong? Should I have waited a bit longer? Should I change a bit more? Did I really know what I was getting us into?
The thing is that a lot of what happened couldn't be undone. A lot of what I found out, and a lot of what was going on under my roof without my knowing was not okay. It was all a risk I chose to take from the time before. And it was all something I knew could happen again. Or that could be much worse the second time around. So, when the veil was lifted I made a decision. One that I still think is best for us as a family. But one that is currently on pause. A limbo of sorts. Right now I'm choosing to be a supportive partner. I'm choosing to get along, and help my husband for the well being of our family. And I'm choosing to be understanding rather than dismissive. This is what's best for my family right now, and I'm not apologizing for it. For now this is what's going on, and as soon as it changes I'll let y'all know.
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