Day by Day

My previous post was a hard one for me to publish. It's almost like withholding it made my reality not so real just yet. I didn't want it to be real. Maybe, just maybe if I waited long enough I'd have a different outcome to write about. We'd take it all back, and finally realize that there was hope for fixing us. I've read it, reread it. Over and over again. My husband and I have had more words since then too. Some nice, some not so nice. I've had some new information hurled at me like a ton of bricks, and to say it was devastating would be the understatement of the year. And even through that I begged. Embarrassingly, for him to realize what a mistake this was. For him to think this through, and to realize what his choices were causing for us as a couple and a family. But it all fell on deaf ears. He still wanted to end our relationship for good. No trying, no compromising, no counseling. Just done.

Okay. I'll give him what he wants. A few nights ago my mother asked me as I sobbed into the comforter, "What are you going to do now?" Well, there's nothing I can do. There is no point in trying to fight for a marriage when one of the parties involved has blatantly stated that they cannot stand your presence any longer. That the sight of you disgusts them. There's nothing to do when that person says that they are out for the count because they refuse to get better. There's nothing else to do when that person says that they'd rather continue to spiral downward than seek help. That I'm not worth getting better for. And that realization hit me in the gut so hard last week when we agreed to meet at our home to discuss things a bit further. Even as I stood in front of him and asked him to reconsider, to think about the consequences because there were so many if he continued down this path. If he took things further there would be nothing left to salvage, and my trust would be gone. And he walked away. So, this is it.

Last Monday I came across this link and I've found myself turning to it almost daily. I read, and reread every single one of those pieces of advice, and then I take a deep breath. I also read this post by Shannon over at Awash with Wonder which has given me some hope at recovery. Of closure. Of one day being able to breath again without that hitch that comes from the pain I'm currently feeling.

Right now I'm just taking it day by day with very little planning in regards to the immediate future. Yesterday we finally had access to our home again. The cleaning process began, and probably won't be completed for a few more days. I'm not exactly sure when we'll go back though. Yesterday was extremely hard for me. Pictures everywhere, and memories in every corner. Some good, some bad. But they were of us. And it hurt like hell just to step back into the house. Sometime soon the locks will have to be changed. Our bank accounts closed. And then...