Spring!!

Yes, I know! I changed the layout again. LOL! I told you guys I constantly have to change things up. I get bored with the layouts way to easily. And who knows, maybe later down the line, I’ll switch back. But for now, I wanted something more “squeaky clean”. Simple if you will? And it (despite the weather the past few days) is officially spring!!! Woo Wooo!! I’m so excited about this! So I figured I’d brighten up the blog a little.

Anywho, this past weekend was not at all what I had planned. Having family over made for a pretty busy 4 days! We went to the Flea Market, did some summer clothes shopping, and had a cookout! Emery got to meet her cousin Ethan, who is two months younger than she is, and since both are the only babies in their households, it was interesting to watch them interact. My little monster was definitely in charge. This is her territory after all, LOL! But we had a nice time. There were so many people there that I actually got a bit of a breather. Everyone wanted to hold or walk with the “babies”. Every mother’s blessing!

The family left on Monday, and another one of my aunt and uncle showed up yesterday! So it’s been a nice full house! Which has kicked off our spring rather nicely! Gotten me into the mood of “Go! Go! Go!” This spring/summer we’ll have softball, bike race season, a few baby showers, and maybe some swimming lessons! If I can find a place that will have them for little ones, that is. So needless to say we have a nice busy schedule coming up! I am so ready for it, too!

Yesterday, I ran TWO miles (only stopping once to pick up the Boston that decided to follow us). My brother runs like 7, so he tagged along and helped me with accomplishing my two. Then afterward I biked a mile. IT FELT GREAT!! Kind of ruined the point because afterward, I ate like 4 slices of pizza (two were small). But I felt really good. After I had cooled down I thought about going again, but Emery was tired and grumpy, and I didn’t want to push my luck. My goal is to go running for at least 30 minutes without stopping. Push myself all the way to 3 miles. Then after that, I want to push myself towards another 3 miles. Keep adding three until I get to a half marathon!! Yup, a half marathon! I don’t know of any around here, and I don’t even know if I’d actually enter into a race. But I want to do this for me. So that I can say I ran 13.1 miles! Not sure if I’ll ever really get to that goal, but if I can just do 6 miles, I’ll be pretty pleased with myself. :-)

Other than that, not much else is new. Our lives are pretty boring! Hope you guys are doing good! Sorry I haven’t been commenting lately. I barely get enough time to read everyone’s blogs. But I promise to do better! Until next time, here are a few pictures from this past weekend!!

Fade

I've been talking a lot about friendships lately. I think it’s because I’m starting to really look at which ones are there for me and which ones aren’t. I feel like I’m just starting to move into a new phase in my life, a phase that will only include the most important people moving forward with me. I really feel that this is a necessary step for me to move ahead into “adulthood” and to finally shed away many of my teenage reminiscences. 

Which brings me to friendships I want to keep. Friendships that mean a lot to me. And that brings me to this lovely lady:

She is one of my best friends! Her name is Kamille, and I love her to pieces. Unfortunately, we have a bit of a problem:

She lives here

& I live here

And quite frankly, this whole “living so far away for long periods of time” thing is a bit weird to me because, from the moment I met her, we lived close to each other. I even moved to California with her! Then I moved back and after a few months, she moved back too. Then, she left back to Cali, I got pregnant, and we’ve stayed in contact as best as we possibly can! But, I miss her so much! And recently, it’s gotten worse! I miss the hour-long talks and being right down the road from her. I miss sitting in her living room watching kid movies for hours. I miss how she made taking a ride to Taco Bell the most fun a girl could have. LOL! She was the person I could talk to about anything and everything! From poop to sex, to childbirth, to drugs, to growing up! She never not once judged me for being me either. And it never mattered what time I called or how early I was at her doorstep, she was always there for me (and vice versa). She’s taught me a lot about being a mother, and family coming first. She’s taught me to keep my head up and never let anyone bring me down. She has taught me that I will make mistakes, and so long as I try to make things right, it'll be ok! And that sometimes you just need to cry. So now with this distance, and with us being apart for so long, I don't have that anymore.

I know I've said in my previous posts, that I've come to realize many of my friends aren't my friends anymore. Yes, we've had great times and at one point in life, I would have gladly taken a bullet for some of them. But now....we are all just drifting. We are all in different stages of life! We are all growing in what we are supposed to become and my lifestyle may not be for them, nor their's mine. Some of them have gotten “smaller” rather than grow, and some of them have completely surpassed me. And that’s OK! These friendships are naturally fading. I don’t grieve for there loss at all! Instead, I’m happy for them! I’m happy that they are doing their thing! But mine and Kami’s friendship is one of the ones I don’t want to see fade. 

And I’m not sure what to do to stop it really? I really hope that this isn't one of the friendships I'll have to let go. We try calling and texting as much as possible. But with us having such crazy schedules (she's a mommy of three and step-monster of two), and being in two different time zones, it makes finding time harder than usual. I usually heard from her at least once a month and recently I could tell she was in a weird place. Like she was in a funk? And it was just so strange to not be able to get some Frappuccino's, walk across the street, and just say “Let’s talk.” Because that’s what we used to do!! There wasn't ever anything that some Frappuccino’s and laughs couldn't fix. It's been almost a month and a half since I've heard from her, and it seems like that space is getting farther and farther apart.

Not being able to really be there for her, especially at this time in her life, is just weird to me. It feels wrong, and like I’m failing her as a friend. And her not reaching out to me like before, or even sending me a quick text to let me know how things are has left me feeling a bit hurt.

& I have no idea what to do about this? 

Just Keep Running

So, now that Em is starting to get more independent (with the walking), and she has finally forgiven her dad for going back to work. It’s starting to be a lot easier for me to leave her in her room, or with my husband and not worry about her screaming her head off. Not because she doesn't scream her head off, because she still does that. But, now I just know that from what I’ve seen she is very capable of distracting herself when she wants to. I also know that there’s nothing actually hurting her, or freaking her out. This puts my mind at ease about her being alone in the room. Plus, she’s started to want to be with her daddy again. So when he’s there, she doesn’t freak out (as much). Which is a good thing! LOL! And so this means, more running for me! More work out time for me! Yay!! I had started this whole work-out plan and it fell through because Emery started getting all clingy. She would cry and cry for long periods of time, and only wanted me. Which was a bit frustrating when I had chores to do. But she didn’t even want to be with her dad, she just wanted me. I'd get behind on laundry or cleaning. I wouldn't even attempt cooking like I really truly wanted to. Then I tried to do these things with her attached to me. Yea...that didn't work!!

So with her being that way, and with trying to catch up on all the stuff left from the week before, it made finding time to work out really hard. And I refuse to be up at 4 am just to get a work out in. I love my sleep time and I would rather starve than not get my sleep. I know I said I would try, but yea, no 4 am workouts for me. However, I did decide to approach this differently and more aggressively! I’m making a "work-out schedule". I even jotted it down in my planner. Because if I don’t, then I won’t see it. And if I DON’T see it, then I don’t feel guilty about it. Which is no bueno! And I really need that running time. It helps me think and clear my head. It’s my own personal time. I just focus on running and overcoming the pain. I don’t really call myself a long distance or short distance runner because I just set a goal for myself, and then try to surpass it the following week. If I don’t, then that’s ok! I try to do half a mile and other times I do two miles, just depends on how I’m feeling. And, just working out, gives me that boost to help me feel good. To know that I’m doing something good for my body and my health! So, I hope the scheduling works out for me, and that I am able to keep up with it! I want to get better at this and maybe go farther than 2 miles? I want to push myself harder and harder!

My motivational help? I placed an old picture of myself, as well as this line on my fridge: 

Come out like a pit-bull with rabies. 

“Don't be afraid of what may or may not happen just charge at everything with all intent of conquering it.”

I read these lines over at Mama and The Dudes. The pit bull one is funny, but at the same time so true! We need to charge at everything in life! Go at it full force and know that we can do anything! I really want to conquer this weight thing. The picture is there to remind me that my goal is attainable. Because I’ve been that small before. I just need to kick my ass a bit to get back to that!

March 2007-After visiting Beau in California (not sure what that black dot on my neck is?)

Also, I’m back to watching my calorie intake, and I’m trying to cook my own lunch and dinners. Trying to eat as clean as I can, even though I slip up a few times a week. Still, baby steps. If I do go over my calorie “budget” then I work out extra that day. I’m also looking into more of a veggie diet! I want my diet during the week to be mainly veggies, fruits, and a few meats. I’m not going to starve myself or deny myself a candy every now and then. Because that will just make me feel like I’m punishing myself, and I hate that feeling! But, I’m tired of being stuck. I’m not losing or gaining weight, but I’m not at the weight I want to be at. I know I can be lighter because I’ve been there already. It just sucks that I’m going to have to work a thousand times harder this time around because I let myself go in the first place. Such is life. Now, I just need to suck it up, and really work at this. I will get to my goal, come hell or high water!