Reflections

I need a vacation.

I need some downtime.

I need to feel the sand beneath my toes!!

Oceanside, Ca (City close to where I used to live in California)

Oh, how I miss this place. And people can go on and on about how "Oh you just like it because you like the idea of California, not the place itself" but that's not true. I do love the ocean, but I don't always like getting in it- there's the difference. I loved walking down the pier, and the way the air was a bit salty when we went to visit. I loved watching those sunsets go down every night. I miss the FOUR lane freeways. I miss road construction being done overnight. I miss our old roommates. I like the independence being off on our own brought us. I miss the mountains and the palm trees. I miss the friendships I had only just started. I miss the option of having stuff to do! I just miss it...

And it saddens me that I made the decision to move back to Texas right when because things got rough. I'll admit it, I freaked out! We were told our landlord was thinking of selling the place, and soon. We had no money saved to get a new place. Prices on everything were going up, and it was literally about 2 months before jobs all went downhill and everyone lost them! But if I hadn't made that decision, we both probably would have lost our jobs, we'd be struggling to make ends meet/keep a roof over our heads, probably would have not gotten married, and Emery may not have come to be. So for that, I am not sad. We have had so much support from our families, and despite living in a P.O.S. house right now, at least we don't have to worry about how we're going to come up with rent for the month. Or how we're going to get Emery what she needs! So for that, I AM grateful to have made the move!

But I so crave getting out of here one day. I crave being at that beach again. I crave to see how Emery reacts at seeing the ocean for the first time! I crave getting to wear FLIP-FLOPS year round! I crave those hot (but not too hot) afternoons. And I crave having a sushi place around every corner.

-sigh-

But, I love my family. I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my grandmother.-You too Kim and Olivia.- I love Texas because it's my home. It is a part of me, and how I was brought up. I'm a meat-eating, sweet tea drinking, y'all saying, country girl folks and I won't deny it! I like big trucks, sometimes my "southern" accent gets out, and I really don't mind getting my hands dirty. And, I also love knowing that if something bothers me I can go next door (or when I lived in town I just had to drive 25 minutes) to talk to my mommy. I love knowing that I do get to see my grandmother EVERY day especially now that she's older, and let's face it will one day leave us. I love getting to spend that time. Time we wouldn't otherwise have. I love getting to spend time with my family (they are what's important after all). Because up until I had moved to California, I knew nothing else! Yes, I was rebellious and constantly "hating" life but I still loved my family. 

So, even though I miss California so much and constantly want to go back, I'm always thinking about how much I would miss it here. Not really the town (or the house), but more like the people. The family stability and support I get from being here. But, I am so different and unique in a way that I hardly ever truly feel like I fit in better more in one place than the other. And just like I feel so passionate about Texas and my family here....my husband feels that about California and his family there. 

So what's in store for us, I have no clue? Will I ever be able to live by that beach again? Maybe. Will we make our forever home here in Texas? Maybe. Things are so uncertain, and we can't seem to ever decide on where we want our family to stay. Where do we want to start our life, together, as a family? 

We just don't know.

♥ Layla Grace Marsh 3/9/2010 ♥

This story truly breaks my heart. And what’s worse, is that there are so many children out there suffering! Not only from cancer, but from several other diseases. It seems like the farther we get along, the worse it gets. We have mother’s having abortions, people starving in other countries, children dying, hate crimes, and a whole bunch of other problems! And most of us just sit here, and we go on living our lives, pretending our own little problems are the end of the world. I AM GUILTY OF THIS! I am so guilty of this.

So when I ran across this story, I couldn’t help but break down into tears. Here was a family that lost their baby to something as ugly as cancer, and I was worried about Emery not self-soothing yet? What is WRONG with me?!? There are parents out there that have lost a child to SIDS, CANCER, STILLBIRTH, CAR ACCIDENTS, DISEASES, DEFECTS, and MISCARRIAGES! Women who would love to have my “problem”. Babies who would love to not have to go through chemo, be hooked up to a monitor, go through surgery, and just get a chance to run around outside! 

Every 4 hours a child dies from cancer. That’s 6 children a day. That’s one too many.

7,000 Babies die due to SIDS each year (that’s almost one every hour every day).

According to Child Maltreatment 2009, an estimated 1,770 children died as a result of abuse or neglect in 2009.

I know that GOD does things for a reason, and I know that all of those children are playing in heaven. And I hope that one day I’ll get to hear the sounds of their little feet! That I’ll get to hug every single one of them. But right now, I want to help whoever I can. I want to stop being so selfish and start making a difference for someone out there!! For the amount it costs me to eat out ONCE a week, I could send to help a family pay for chemotherapy. For the amount it takes me to buy Em all those toys, I could give a child a gift to lift their spirits! I would want someone to do that for my child. I would want to know that others were helping me give my little girl a chance. Now I’m not saying stop eating out or stop buying your kids things. I’m just saying, every once in a while, think about someone else. Volunteer, donate, hold fundraisers, send care packages, or even just a card! It really does make that much of a difference.  It really does help. 

Layla Grace Marsh

11/26/2007- 3/9/2010

Layla Grace Marsh was born on November 26, 2007. At 17 months old, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. The next 10 months of her life consisted of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, multiple blood transfusions, and a bone marrow harvest and transplant. Her parents, Ryan and Shanna Marsh, chronicled her progress through Twitter and their blog, laylagrace.org. On March 9, 2010—the joy, the beauty, the fighter—gained her wings.

Read Her Mother’s Post, One Year Later Here

And another one here.

Today we remember the little girl that won the world's heart. Today we remember her fight and that she lost the battle but continues to help others. Today we remember that there are still thousands of children out there fighting for their lives!

I Cried...

Good to Great | Layla Grace Children's Cancer Research Foundation

I can honestly say that I hadn't heard about this little girl. Probably because I was so caught up in my own world and problems that I didn't notice anything. I never really got online or watch the news.

And this makes me so sad. We have so many little angels up there...