Let’s Have A Freak Out Moment, Shall We?

I love, love, LOVE my daughter. No doubt about it, she is my world. At the same time, she is a handful. She is a full time job and at this stage, demanding my full attention. I would love to have another child, LATER in the future (maybe two or three years from now).

BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!

I've been so busy lately, that last night while I was setting up my new iPhone, I actually had a few minutes to myself. I had put Emery down to bed, my phone was syncing, and I sat there in my PJ's taking deep breaths. Processing the day I just had. **TINK** My iPhone is done and as I start playing with it, my MENSTRUAL app is on my first screen. Hmm? When was my last period? So I go and check it, and sure enough, last month on the twelfth. And my "prediction" date for this month was LAST THURSDAY!! That means I am SEVEN days LATE!! Now I know what you're thinking, it's just a silly phone app right? Maybe. You see, this app has been fairly accurate for me AND I usually start the day BEFORE the prediction date. That’s how I was always prepared and stocked on pads and tampons every month.

Oh….my….HOLY CRAP!!!!! No. No. No. No. NO! I can NOT be pregnant!! I am barely getting back to my work out routine, BARELY loosing the belly weight. I am just now managing to juggle life as a working mother. We are just now getting all of our debt cleared away. I still OWE my doctor for delivering EMERY. This is sooo not funny! Beau and I can’t even make up our minds as to whether we even WANT another child or not, much less be prepared to have another one! I am so praying that I start right this second! I demand it!!

Please??

Breathe in. Breathe out. Ok, I'm trying to chalk this all up to stress. Because STRESS has been a BIG part of my life these past few weeks. That and frustration. Work has been a hell hole, and I've been trying to catch up on a lot of things. So maybe that's why I'm late?! Please, please let that be the reason!?! I haven't felt sick, or tired. No swelling. No puking. I haven't really noticed ANY of the signs like I did with Emery, accept the lack of my period. Oh god, we are so not ready for another baby yet! Please let it be a false alarm. I promise to double up on birth control and even make him wear a condom from now on! But please, please don’t let me be pregnant!!!

Damn it! Now I have to go pee on a stick!!

Update @ 5:30pm

The pee test came back negative. A bit relieved, and yet a little sad at the same time. :-)

Breathing

First, let me start off by telling you that I went to the dentist today. I had to have a filling. Boooo! Those suck! I felt like I had a huge fat lip all afternoon, and I bit it once trying to eat afterwards. But, the numbness is slowly going away! 4 hours later. I can eat something now!! So excited! LOL!

Next, we are due for upgrades on our phones, and since my husband has gone through 5 phones within two years, I was told that I could get the new one and he’d keep my old one. Which is in WONDERFUL condition, since I took care of it really really well! But both AT&T stores had NO iPhone 3GS. Surprise, surprise. So, I think I’m going to order mine online if I don’t get a call by Friday. Until then, I’m using a little tiny, barely gets reception phone. And it’s driving me up the WALL!!! Blah! Oh well.

Now, on to my main point. My daughter is sleeping soundly. Has been since 5:30! I was sitting here watching her. Making sure she’s breathing. I’m amazed that I still do this. Reminds me of when we first brought her home. Beau and I would alternate, and we’d check every hour to make sure she was still breathing. Sometimes at night, I still pull her close to me and put my hand on her chest, just so I can feel her heartbeat. Or I’ll tickle her nose so that she’ll make a movement. LOL! She hates waking up like that. And it amazes me that one day she’ll be all grown up, and I won’t get to do that anymore. Makes me kind of sad. I wish Beau were here. I hate waking up to an almost empty bed. I loved when all three of us would get to sleep in. I have my arm around Emery and Beau has his arm around both of us. That only lasts until we were all fast asleep and then Emery end up with one leg under the cover and the other one over. I’m on my back and Beau’s facing the wall hogging the covers. All of us snoring. Yes, Emery only being 6 months, snores. They’re little snores, they skip around, but Beau and I have both heard them. Lord, I hope I never stop getting those wonderful gifts. Just being able to wake up. Seeing them breathing. That alone, makes EVERYTHING worth it.

Funeral; Husband; Weight; Rain

Funeral:

Seth’s funeral was hard. It sucks when they are so young. I was fine until they opened the casket. Once that happened, it really sunk in that he was gone. No one was going to tell me that it was the wrong person. No one was going to tell me that it wasn’t Seth lying there. I still feel like he was having himself a laugh though. I kept randomly tripping throughout the whole service. It felt like someone was kicking my heel from behind. When I went up, I almost fell flat on my face in the aisle. I wanted to just say “Damn it, Seth, Stop IT!!” But I figured that wouldn’t be very appropriate. I don’t think anyone else would have found it very amusing. And at the end, they played my favorite song: “Swing Life Away” by Rise Against. That song takes me way back, one of my all-time favorites. And only then, did I realize how fitting that was for his personality.

Husband:

Ugghh!! I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm DONE! Last Thursday night my husband got to come home for a 3 1/2 day weekend! I was beyond EXCITED! To have him for 3 whole days was going to be wonderful!! I woke up Friday to get ready for work, and he's checking his Facebook. He was accepting EVERY request that was sent to him. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER CREATED ONE OF THOSE FOR HIM!! Should have just kept in contact with our friends through MY own account. But no, I wanted my hubby to have one. And if you know how Facebook works, you know that it lets you know when other friends have "friended" someone else. So after he’s done, I checked mine. Guess who was on his list? The one GIRL he "THOUGHT" about CHEATING on ME with!!!!! Please tell me who the FUCK does that?!?!? Anyone?!?!  ANYONE?!?!?! Can you say disrespectful?!? He says he didn’t even see the name, that he just accepted everyone but something inside makes me wonder. I hate being like that, but even if he didn’t see her, he should have deleted her the minute he found out that it was her. And he said he would. But he has yet to. I don’t know what’s pissing me off more: Her sending him the request, him accepting it, or him not deleting her? How can I “get over” something if he keeps bringing it back into our lives? Other than that, my three day weekend went great.

Weight:

I GAINED FIVE POUNDS! Uggghhh!! FIVE FREAKIN POUNDS!! That's it, no more junk food! I was reading this post over at One Bored Mommy Blogspot and realized that I had that same DVD at home. It was collecting dust from when I had told myself I would be all healthy and active during my pregnancy. Ha! So anyway, this post made me think that maybe running isn't the only thing I need to be doing. I started running a MILE every weekday and I've done it consistently for almost two weeks now. I plan to keep up with it and go farther as I progress. But maybe I need to toss an actual work-out into the mix? She said it made her sweat so I thought, why not? I got home, pulled out my mat, and popped in the DVD while Emery took a nap. O...m....G! Yea, I made it through the cardio and only half of the mat course (only because Emery woke up and wouldn't stop crying till I picked her up, I SWEAR). I was sweating twenty minutes into the cardio! They totally take breaks in between those filming takes because there is no way that woman wasn't breaking a sweat and I was! But that's another subject.  Anyway, I actually like this DVD! It's pretty basic, but man it gives you a workout. I'm feeling it today. My abs and my thighs. My shoulders; my butt. I didn't even know I had these muscles anymore.  So now, my plan is to run and do this program on alternating days. Build it up until I can do BOTH in one workout session. I know, pretty ballsy considering I have a child, but I will make it happen. Those five pounds need to go away!! Along with 30 (maybe 40) more! I'm hoping this DVD (along with cutting out junk food and soda -easier said than done-) help me achieve my goal weight/size. So here's to happy exercising!! August Weigh-In: 175 lbs

p/s It’s been raining all day. I love the rain.
The rain makes me happy; makes everything better.