Listen

Here's A Post From My Drafts

Today something clicked. Something snapped, almost like a rubber band that's being stretched out too far, and I felt so incredibly naive. I knew that everything going on was because of me, and not in the way that you're probably thinking. Still, I'm at fault for something. Something that has the potential to tip me over.  I'll write about it later. I'll post about it later. But I went through my drafts for some inspiration, or maybe just to read some words that I had started but never published. I came across this post from last month. For some reason or another I didn't hit publish. 

I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.

Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere.  But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same. 

First Grade

The little's first day of school was back in August. We attended a meet the teacher the week before, and she seemed really excited. But this was different. Even I felt the difference. A bigger school; less interaction with the teacher. Less information. We walked around the halls as soon as I was done with the forms that needed my signature, and everything felt different. 

The real surprise came when the first day actually arrived. She woke up early, jumped out of bed, and was already getting dressed before our second alarm (the real one) actually went off. She gushed about being able to see her friends, and how excited she was to get there. On the drive over she was bouncing in her seat, proudly holding her lunchbox, and singing along to Dove Cameron. That's where the smiles faded though. Parents are allowed to walk their kids to class, so I was prepared to stay for a little while, but as we entered the building we were instructed to head for the gym. Her smile started to falter, and her grip became tighter. As we sat in the gym, her smile disappeared as the minutes ticked by. A few tears began to run down her cheeks, but she sniffled and wiped them away. She asked me repeatedly if I could stay with her at school for her first day, and I kept telling her that I wished with everything that I could. But mommy has to work. And as we were finally allowed to walk into their home-room she was clinging to me, squeezing, and whispering that she wanted to go home.

As we said our hellos to the teacher, and I started to help her put her supplies in her desk the tears just started to pour. "Mom, can I please just go home? Mommy, please don't make me stay. I'll be a good girl, I promise! I'm not ready mommy. I'm not ready. Please take me back home," she begged. It took everything I had in me to not pick her up right then and there, and take her back with me. She cried so hard, and she held on so tight. The teacher, and a helper had to help me uncurl her fingers so I could walk away. And I cried on my way to work. I hated doing that. I hated leaving her when she felt so scared. But I knew it was for the best. I knew that after that first day she would be fine. 

That didn't keep me from feeling like complete, and total shit that day though. I remember when I was little I was bullied on the bus, and at school. My aunt had to force me, physically onto the bus every morning, and there were instances where I would try to make a break for it back off of it. That was met with spankings, and eventually an older cousin of mine had to physically hold me down. So her reaction brought up a lot of memories for me. I sat at my desk counting down the minutes until I would see her again. When the day finally ended for her, and I was there to pick her up she told me that her first day wasn't that bad. She still missed me, all day, but it wasn't that bad. So, I told her I would be there to pick her up as soon as her days were over so she would always have that to look forward to. It took about a week for the tears to stop in the mornings. And another week before she could walk the crosswalk into the building without me. 

But now? Now she smiles. She tells me that she can't wait for me to get her that afternoon, because she always misses me, but that she's ready for school. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me a good day, "I love you," she says. "I love you too," I respond. I can tell that she's ready to take on her day, and her little brown eyes just light up. When I've made sure that she's crossed along with the other kids I wait as she turns around, and waves before heading inside. And my heart stops for a beat. And that saying that goes something along the lines of: "Having kids is like watching your own heart walk around outside of your rib cage." really hits me. I've felt it before certainly, but lately it's been magnified. The reality that time is not stopping, and that she's only going to get more and more independent is starting to really intensify. And it's scary knowing that there is so much bad at out there that I can't protect her from forever. There are times when I wish I could just do away with every future heartbreak, disappointment, and obstacle. But that's not how it works. For now, I'm just soaking everything up. Letting these moments embed themselves into my heart. I try to savor it. Every damn day. So, I stay at that crosswalk until I see her open the doors, and walk inside. Then I take a deep breath, turn around, and I move.