Day by Day

My previous post was a hard one for me to publish. It's almost like withholding it made my reality not so real just yet. I didn't want it to be real. Maybe, just maybe if I waited long enough I'd have a different outcome to write about. We'd take it all back, and finally realize that there was hope for fixing us. I've read it, reread it. Over and over again. My husband and I have had more words since then too. Some nice, some not so nice. I've had some new information hurled at me like a ton of bricks, and to say it was devastating would be the understatement of the year. And even through that I begged. Embarrassingly, for him to realize what a mistake this was. For him to think this through, and to realize what his choices were causing for us as a couple and a family. But it all fell on deaf ears. He still wanted to end our relationship for good. No trying, no compromising, no counseling. Just done.

Okay. I'll give him what he wants. A few nights ago my mother asked me as I sobbed into the comforter, "What are you going to do now?" Well, there's nothing I can do. There is no point in trying to fight for a marriage when one of the parties involved has blatantly stated that they cannot stand your presence any longer. That the sight of you disgusts them. There's nothing to do when that person says that they are out for the count because they refuse to get better. There's nothing else to do when that person says that they'd rather continue to spiral downward than seek help. That I'm not worth getting better for. And that realization hit me in the gut so hard last week when we agreed to meet at our home to discuss things a bit further. Even as I stood in front of him and asked him to reconsider, to think about the consequences because there were so many if he continued down this path. If he took things further there would be nothing left to salvage, and my trust would be gone. And he walked away. So, this is it.

Last Monday I came across this link and I've found myself turning to it almost daily. I read, and reread every single one of those pieces of advice, and then I take a deep breath. I also read this post by Shannon over at Awash with Wonder which has given me some hope at recovery. Of closure. Of one day being able to breath again without that hitch that comes from the pain I'm currently feeling.

Right now I'm just taking it day by day with very little planning in regards to the immediate future. Yesterday we finally had access to our home again. The cleaning process began, and probably won't be completed for a few more days. I'm not exactly sure when we'll go back though. Yesterday was extremely hard for me. Pictures everywhere, and memories in every corner. Some good, some bad. But they were of us. And it hurt like hell just to step back into the house. Sometime soon the locks will have to be changed. Our bank accounts closed. And then...

Separation; Divorce

I’m sitting here in my parent’s spare room/apartment sipping on a cup of spearmint tea while trying to process the reality of my new situation. The reason for why I attempted so hard to make my birthday a good day is because that was the same day that my husband informed me he wanted a separation.  The following day he informed me that it would more than likely be a divorce because he could no longer see a future with me. He needed us to leave while he gathered his things, and found a new place to live. A week, two tops. So we did. And now I sit here, while my daughter watches “The Thunderman’s” on my tablet, completely dumbfounded. I was just given the news via text message that he’s found another place to live, and will be out of our house within the next few days, which means that she and I will be able to return to our home as soon as the end of this week.  The only thing I can think to do, or even find myself needing to do is writing it all down.

   

Our current situation is heartbreaking for me.  Though I love my husband; I can’t go down with that ship anymore. I can’t keep chasing ghosts, or trying to make him see something he clearly refuses to open his eyes to. And the truth is, him walking away, will probably be for the best in the long run. You see my husband has his demons, and lately they were consuming him as well as tainting our lives in horrible ways. But he refused to change or seek out help. My love for him kept me weak to the point where I dealt with whatever his problems manifested into. I took the brunt of everything being dished out, but in his eyes I still became the enemy in the end. I offered to set us up for counseling, or even if he just wanted solo sessions I encouraged him to try. But he refused. I tried to compromise on things most people would have viewed as being out of the question to begin with. I've been asked constantly, "Why do you put up with that?" I've even heard, "You deserve better." But my answers were always the same..."He's my husband, and I love him." I was there for him when no one else was, and it was always my responsibility to make sure that he was okay. I did it all because I loved him, and that’s what spouses do right? They’re there even in the darkest of times. Family members would sometimes tell me about some of those enduring couple stories to help me get through a tough day: "I know this lady who stuck by her husband for 15 years before he turned his life around, and they are good now. So it's possible for you to have that too. Just be patient if you can, and be there for him when he needs it." So I had hope that things would be better. Eventually. I prayed every night. I asked for signs. I counted the good days as blessing, and the bad ones as just something we had to deal with. It was all part of the process. But I always had this faith that one day he would realize that change for the better needed to happen. I wanted him to realize that our daughter and I were his future. I wanted our fairy-tale to be one that lasted, that endured the bad, and made it out to the other side stronger. But that doesn’t look like it’s in the cards for us.

So when he told me that this is what he wanted, I was blindsided. But, I let it be. I gave my warnings, and of course we had some words. Ending our marriage is not something that I take lightly, and it’s certainly not an easy thing for me to swallow. I’ve wanted nothing but the best for my husband. I still do. I want him to succeed, and to be happy. I want him to be a good person, and to feel fulfilled. I also wanted him to be a family man that wanted to spend time with his family.  Someone who made us a priority. But my husband has decided to move backwards rather than forward.  And what's so crushing to me is that he went from one day telling me he loved me as he walked out the door for work to telling me that I was the reason for his unhappiness the very next day. He decided, what seems like overnight, to rearrange his priorities and they no longer include me. And the pain from that...has left me feeling like I'm being torn to pieces. I fear that his decisions, and the choices he's been making since he asked for the separation will only lead to really bad things for all of us. But I've been told adamantly that it's no longer my concern. And so, I’m letting go. I’m trying my hardest to step back, and let him do what he feels he needs to do. This is his lesson to learn, not mine.

I think the hardest part about our situation, for me, is how our daughter will be affected. I wanted us to BOTH explain what was going on, but that didn’t work out as planned. I was left with undertaking that task on my own. It’s not easy to tell someone you love so much that their world is about to be turned upside down. That even though you love their daddy so much there was nothing else that could be done to change how the future is about to unfold. Of course I looked into some of the ways to tell your young child that you’re separating. Some of the advice given was what I expected to hear. Things like telling them it’s okay to be sad, to feel confused, or to cry. There was other advice about how you need to reassure them that both of you will continually be there for them no matter what. Even as I spat out the words it all felt so surreal. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. She took it as best as any five year old could I suppose. And every day I ask her if she needs to talk she’s more than welcome to. Or if she wants to call her dad she can. She’s resilient though, and she’s strong. She’s also really smart, and sympathetic. Today, she made some joke, and with so much pride proclaimed “Oh, I sounded just like daddy!” Then she closed her eyes tightly, peeked out of one slowly and said “Oops…Mommy, does it make you sad that I sound like my daddy?” Of course it didn’t make me sad, well maybe a little, but not in the way she was thinking. So, I just smiled. I told her I wasn’t sad, but instead I was glad she sounded like her daddy. She has a little bit of both of us in her, and she should never feel like that was a bad thing.

All of this while communicating daily with my husband about what will be taken, and what will be left behind. How will our assets be separated, and how long will our various accounts still be joint ones? What does he get to take to his new home, and what will I get to keep? Which TV does he take, which movies does he pack, will the dogs stay with me or him? Are we going to file immediately, or take some time to think it over? It’s all so trivial, so foreign, and something I had never thought in a million years I’d have to consider. And yet...here we are…

This post was written on October 25th 2015 at 4:30pm. I've only just now gotten the courage to publish it. 

28

Yesterday was my birthday. The calendar at work just said "Raquel's Birthday- Bring Wine, Set it on Her Desk, Move Along." Though my coworkers were having none of that. And since it's work, legally, they can't bring me wine. So, instead they brought me a chocolate lover's cake, along with fudge swirl ice cream, and another coworker brought in a huge chocolate chunk cookie. So, I indulged.  Life is good. 

All laughs aside, twenty eight is a scary number for me. I'm two years away from reaching thirty and I feel like my life is this one big question mark. I feel like twenty seven was just a blur, and it had a lot of unhappiness. Not directly related to one thing or another, just this huge feeling of unfulfilled wants/needs. I've grown a lot this passed year, and it's almost become claustrophobic in away. I want to dream big and accomplish so much, and "twenty eight" is just a representation of how much time I've been given that's resulted in no progress. For one step forward I seem to take three leaps back. And that's pretty frustrating.

Twenty seven was also a time for me to fully accept that I won't be having another child. I had always wanted to have two children, but that slowly changed as Em got older. Coming from someone who wanted a bigger family because she knew first hand how amazing it was to grow up with a sibling that decision wasn't easy, or pleasant. It was the responsible one. Knowing that doesn't make the heartbreak any easier though. This passed year brought on a lot of enlightenment too. I seem to have more realistic goals, and I'm trying my best to just let go of what's out of my control. A lot of the inner turmoil I have going on is in respect to myself as an individual. As a mom I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Now that I'm studying at a local university, I've had a lot more time with Em which I've really enjoyed. The full force of just how much I had been missing out on impacted me the first time I was able to tuck her in on a night I normally would have still been making my way home. You don't realize how much you're sacrificing. Obviously, it's for a good reason, but that doesn't change the fact that there's always a loss in order to gain.

Twenty seven was a time of denial too. It's been an excuse to put a lot of things to the side that should have been front and center the entire time. I made a lot of mistakes, and I brushed things off. I told myself it was all for the best, when in the back of my mind I knew that it was just something I said in order to make myself feel better. Lesson's learned though. So twenty seven wasn't all bad. I've grown as a woman, as a mother, as a wife. I know that things are never constant or certain, and I'm learning to be better at accepting that. Yesterday, on my birthday I decided to wake up and be happy. I decided to be patient, to be kind, and to smile at everyone I saw. I turned the radio up on my way home, and I sang along. I let twenty eight kick off with a good day. Though it's about to get a bit more rough for us soon. Right now I'm in the middle of some pretty drastic changes. I've also looked into an opportunity for next year through my university that didn't seem realistic at first, but now it looks like their might be a bit of hope after all. Once things have settled a bit I'll talk more about it, but right now I just need time to adjust. Time to be okay with what's ahead and move forward with it. 

So here's to twenty eight...let's see what you've got.