28

Yesterday was my birthday. The calendar at work just said "Raquel's Birthday- Bring Wine, Set it on Her Desk, Move Along." Though my coworkers were having none of that. And since it's work, legally, they can't bring me wine. So, instead they brought me a chocolate lover's cake, along with fudge swirl ice cream, and another coworker brought in a huge chocolate chunk cookie. So, I indulged.  Life is good. 

All laughs aside, twenty eight is a scary number for me. I'm two years away from reaching thirty and I feel like my life is this one big question mark. I feel like twenty seven was just a blur, and it had a lot of unhappiness. Not directly related to one thing or another, just this huge feeling of unfulfilled wants/needs. I've grown a lot this passed year, and it's almost become claustrophobic in away. I want to dream big and accomplish so much, and "twenty eight" is just a representation of how much time I've been given that's resulted in no progress. For one step forward I seem to take three leaps back. And that's pretty frustrating.

Twenty seven was also a time for me to fully accept that I won't be having another child. I had always wanted to have two children, but that slowly changed as Em got older. Coming from someone who wanted a bigger family because she knew first hand how amazing it was to grow up with a sibling that decision wasn't easy, or pleasant. It was the responsible one. Knowing that doesn't make the heartbreak any easier though. This passed year brought on a lot of enlightenment too. I seem to have more realistic goals, and I'm trying my best to just let go of what's out of my control. A lot of the inner turmoil I have going on is in respect to myself as an individual. As a mom I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Now that I'm studying at a local university, I've had a lot more time with Em which I've really enjoyed. The full force of just how much I had been missing out on impacted me the first time I was able to tuck her in on a night I normally would have still been making my way home. You don't realize how much you're sacrificing. Obviously, it's for a good reason, but that doesn't change the fact that there's always a loss in order to gain.

Twenty seven was a time of denial too. It's been an excuse to put a lot of things to the side that should have been front and center the entire time. I made a lot of mistakes, and I brushed things off. I told myself it was all for the best, when in the back of my mind I knew that it was just something I said in order to make myself feel better. Lesson's learned though. So twenty seven wasn't all bad. I've grown as a woman, as a mother, as a wife. I know that things are never constant or certain, and I'm learning to be better at accepting that. Yesterday, on my birthday I decided to wake up and be happy. I decided to be patient, to be kind, and to smile at everyone I saw. I turned the radio up on my way home, and I sang along. I let twenty eight kick off with a good day. Though it's about to get a bit more rough for us soon. Right now I'm in the middle of some pretty drastic changes. I've also looked into an opportunity for next year through my university that didn't seem realistic at first, but now it looks like their might be a bit of hope after all. Once things have settled a bit I'll talk more about it, but right now I just need time to adjust. Time to be okay with what's ahead and move forward with it. 

So here's to twenty eight...let's see what you've got.