Trapt; Short Post From My Phone

I have this feeling of unease. I'm frustrated and annoyed. I want the world to shut up. Leave me be. I feel like I'm trapped in a dead end town working a dead end job that pays shit. I want to cry and scream at the same time. The hours pass by so slowly. My husband is not here to help calm me down and I feel lonely and encased. I want something more. We NEED something more.

I think I might have a panic attack soon if I don't get it together...

What Are We Going To Do?

I was doing research for an essay I am supposed to be writing. But then I got sidetracked. Yes, This happens a lot. I started reading these articles about the sudden “teen” suicides going on all over the US and how it’s being contributing to “bullying”. From Phoebe Prince, to four other gay kids. And this has me asking, what are we going to do about this? So many people want to blame this on “bullying” and yet we are not once looking at the parents. I understand that these kids need to be punished, and I am a big supporter of them needing to serve jail time. But we as parents need to start looking into how we are raising our children. That’s the bigger picture.

I myself, do not agree with homosexuality. BUT, I don’t judge those living that lifestyle. I do not agree with abortion, but if you’ve gotten one it doesn’t mean that I will hate you for it. Bullying is something else I don’t agree with but I myself was a bit of a bully in Junior High. This was due to me BEING bullied in my younger years. I was a girl, and I developed a lot faster than some others. I was constantly being grabbed or having my hair pulled. Being called a “wetback”. And one day a teacher told me to “Not be afraid to fight back”. And I did. Now, I look back on it and MAYBE I should have not started so many fights, but I was sticking up for myself as well as my little brother. I feel that defending yourself is a lot different than picking on someone. I think that we as parents need to start raising our children differently!

For starters, there is so much more out there than high school. There is so much more beyond prom queens and football stars. They may be the most popular, most beautiful people in school, but they could end up working the convenience store down the road. They may one day WORK for you.

Second, our children ARE beautiful and they should focus on OTHER things besides vanity, and popularity. Look to the future. Boy/girlfriends are great, but you don’t NEED them. They do not MAKE you. You must be happy with yourself. Love YOURSELF. You must do that first before finding a boy/girlfriend or a spouse. THEY can only bring so much to the table.

Third, teach them to be strong. Have them learn how to throw a punch, learn how to stand strong in their beliefs. I know “violence is not the answer” but learning how to defend yourself might not be so bad. Teach them to not be swayed or convinced to do something they don’t want to. Peer pressure sucks, but if you start teaching them early on, they might not be so easily pressured. When someone calls them a name or is teasing them, immediately go to the other child’s parent. No matter how “embarrassing” it is for your child. So help me God, I will take whoever it is that’s teasing my baby and put them over my knee for a few good licks. Ok, maybe not that EXTREME but you better believe they will get a good talking to from me. I don’t care who they are or who their parents are. If you will not discipline your child you better believe I won’t just stand by and let that happen. I’ll instill the fear of God at least, LOL! 

Four, is respect. Respect for yourself as well as respect for others. There should not be any back talking. They should not be told it’s ok if they were making fun of someone else. Discipline your children! I know that even some of us, as adults, tease or make fun of others sometimes and we really should see the example we are setting. Do you think it’s ok to have a child yell at you or cuss at you? Is it ok for them to pick on others? Our children will only grow and learn from what they are TAUGHT. What they are ALLOWED to get away with. And that’s why I think, we as parents need to do a better job.

Now, I might eat my words when Emery gets older. I might do all the right things and her still come out rebellious and easily persuaded. I might turn out to be the worst mother ever. But I will try my hardest to not be. I will try my hardest to be a good example. And I will do my damnedest to make sure that I teach her right from wrong. She will know. What she chooses to do with that knowledge, and those lessons will be left up to her. But you better believe the minute she starts calling people names, starting fights, or thinking she can run around all night she will be over my knee getting some licks. And when she’s older to where licks don’t work…well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there!

p/s I know there’s a lot I didn't cover, but those were the basics.

Those were the main topics I wanted to cover. The ones I think should come first.

Rough Saturday Night

My husband got to come home on Friday, and I was so excited. We were planning for me to go up to Oklahoma, but at the last minute, Beau’s partner said he wanted to come down. Yay! I didn’t have to make the three( maybe longer) hour drive!!

Everything was great! Then Saturday happened. We decided to go out to a bar. My mother-in-law would babysit, and we’d cut loose a little. If we got too drunk, we’d call his aunt. I should have stopped at the second beer. We ended up pretty drunk, called his aunt. Beau had been talking to these guys from two different bands there the whole night! I honest to GOD didn’t think anything of it. But then, I started talking to one of them, and he acknowledged me as Beau’s wife. Shook my hand, and started off about Christian music and how he was a big Christian. Mind you, he’s hit on everything that’s walked past him, and he’s highly intoxicated. So, I went off on how it says in the bible that you aren't supposed to get drunk. And if he’s such a Christian why is he deliberately breaking the rules?  Apparently, when he’s drunk he “talks more about God”.  Well, right after that, Beau’s aunt comes up and tells me to “Stop! Seriously, Raquel, you need to stop!” I asked what, and she said: “You know what, or do you not see Beau’s reaction?” Beau is causing a scene. Let's fast forward the juicy stuff, and at some point, I get called a whore, and to fuck off. To which I replied, “ I talk to one guy, who you were just talking to, and I’m a slut?! What about all the girls YOU hit on?! What about the girl you supposedly only THOUGHT about cheating on me with?! I didn’t do a damn thing wrong!!”     

We get taken home, and we talk, make-up, have some make-up sex, pass out. Emery was up bright and early and my head felt like someone was digging into it with a screwdriver. I take some Tylenol and some Powerade. All better. But, then I ask my husband why he freaked out, and he says it’s because his aunt pointed out that I was flirting with another guy. I told him I was not flirting, and all we talked about was God. Apparently, my husband says I was “all over” this guy. BULLSHIT! And so this is what I said:

“Babe, I’m really sorry if it came off as me flirting, but I honestly was not. We didn’t touch once, and we were standing across from each other! He even acknowledged that you were my HUSBAND! I’m sorry you felt like I was “all over” another guy, but I wasn’t. And I don’t feel bad because I honestly did nothing wrong. But I am sorry that it came off as me being flirtatious because that was not at all my intentions. I love you, and only you.”

He accepted my apology. But after this latest spat, I have decided that I will not be getting drunk with my husband anymore. I can handle a girls night every now and then. Maybe even every once in a while with my husband when we are by ourselves (or in Cali!!). BUT, not in public. And I’m not even sure I want to continue drinking. I had my tiny bit of “letting loose” before all that crap happened this past Saturday, and I felt like I was just over the whole thing. Before last night, Beau and I were getting along a lot better. And I don’t want to ruin that with alcohol. It’s not worth it, and I just don’t feel the same about it anymore. Now I’m not saying I swear it off completely because one day I just might go out and get drunk, but I’m saying that it’s not something I “want” to do anymore. I can live without it. I feel like it’s not worth causing problems in my relationship for a few hours of inebriation.

I love my husband, and I honestly don’t look at other guys (except Robert Pat, but he plays Edward so how could I NOT?) and I really don’t want to. I’m not out looking or thinking about cheating. It’s not how I am. It’s not what I want. I am perfectly happy with the man I am with. Through the good times and the bad ones.