Moving...again...

Things have been really quiet around here lately, and yet really really loud with change. A month ago, out of nowhere, our landlord told us that the house we were in was up for sale and that they were moving. This was quickly followed by, "Do you mind if I and some potential buyers come in?" Thankfully, we had been cleaning all morning and almost done because thirty minutes later there was a knock on our door. This happened frequently during the weeks that followed so I was in a constant state of cleaning. Do you know how exhausting that is? And I was also feeling really...vulnerable? Here were these strangers roaming freely through out our house, looking at our things, and I had no control over it.

As all of this was going on I was also stressing over finding a new place to live. Our landlord told us if we needed to terminate the lease earlier then we could do so because this was something very unexpected. So when I say that we were lucky to find the house we're in, at the monthly price we did, I am not at all exaggerating. Finding anything this cheap again, and in such great condition would be really hard to do. And yet not entirely impossible because two weeks later my mother called to tell me a friend of hers was in the processes of closing on a house and she was looking for potential renters! My mom had told her about our situation, and so she offered to let us see the house as soon as she was able to. When we were finally able to see it I became a little excited, and a lot relieved. It's in a quieter neighborhood, and we would have two police officers as neighbors. THAT could go either way; pro or con! After talking to her some more she told us that the rent would be the same, and there would be no deposit. It would be ready in a month, and if we wanted it we had first pick. I was completely floored. That afternoon I went home feeling so thankful, and blessed. How could I not? Things were clicking in place for us. We were being shown kindness, and being given opportunities that don't come around very often. I let them know that evening that we were very interested in the house, and they told us they would hold it for us.

That same night our landlord told us that the house had sold. She wasn't sure what they would be doing with it, but she had let them know that our contract ran through the end of July so we had until then to figure something out. So imagine my surprise when I have the previous owner and the new owners knocking on my door wanting to speak with us about our lease last week. My initial thoughts were somewhere along the lines of "Well, shit. I guess we'll be leaving earlier than planned." But instead, they told us that they wanted us to stay in the home. We had a good relationship with the previous owner, and she talked very highly about us. They said we could live there for as long as we wanted under no contract. The cost would be the same because they were not looking to raise our rent. Again, I was floored. There are people out there who have a hard time finding one home and here we were being offered two.

But we had already agreed to the new house. And even though we had not signed a contract I really didn't want to back out. The house, though a bit smaller, still had many pros for us to consider. Both of the places are wonderful and I really hate moving, but I think it'll be a good thing. I think the new house will require less up keep, and we won't have to worry about people driving 60 mph in a 30 mph zone. I like that the backyard is completely fenced in, and there's a back porch. The landlord has also given me permission to paint, strip, and basically do whatever else I'd like to with the new house. So here we go, again. A new house; a change. Something different, and a tiny bit exciting. As awesome as all of this is I'm really hoping that this new house is where we stay for awhile.

Wordless Wednesday

One

It's "baby season" around here. Lately, we've had a few friends announce pregnancies, and others that have recently given birth. To say that I've had a sudden case of "baby fever", would be an understatement. My want for another child has pretty much sent my body into this weird "fake pregnancy" state. I was sore, really tired, I had bad cramps, and I constantly felt bloated. That last one could be because I've recently started handling my emotions by stuffing my face though. I've caught myself trying to think of good reasons to add to our family: I'm not getting any younger. My husband really wants to try for a boy. etc. etc.  I've also gone as far as to say that Emery needs a sibling because she needs to learn how to share. You know, because preschool couldn't possibly teach her that, right? I'm fully aware that I'm grasping at straws here. The idea of having another baby is just so enticing, and I would really really love to experience it all over again. Only this time it would be 100x different because I'm in a better place. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I am in a completely different mind set than I was when I had Emery. Who knows, I might even ENJOY it the second time around.

However, in my heart I know that we will not be adding a fourth member to our family; knowingly. When I talk to my mother about these things she always says that no matter how many preventative measures I take, if God wants me to have another child it will happen. And two night ago as I sat on the bathroom floor, waiting for the three full minutes it says to wait on the back of the box to pass by, I let myself think that maybe...just maybe God's plan was starting now. The test turned up negative, of course. I sat there and let out a little sigh of disappointment, even though I knew it was for the best, and I continued on with my evening. But you see, I know that it will have to take some form of miraculous or accidental intervention for me to conceive because I take every precaution to ensure that I don't. Sometimes I feel completely angered by this decision though. Here I am trying to be responsible, and in order to do so I must set one of my desires aside. So the dreams of a swollen belly, of baby's breath, and my daughter becoming a big sister will always be just that...dreams. 

I'm currently, and slowly learning to be okay with this. I'm learning to be thankful for the daughter I do have. She's healthy and beautiful. She's wonderful and full of adventure. She's my heart and soul in living form! There is so much more I am able to offer her that I wouldn't if we did have another child right now, and I'm grateful for that blessing. So, I'm trying my hardest to accept the responsibilities I feel I need to uphold. I'm trying my best to think of the bigger picture, and not cave into my selfish wants. I know that our family as a whole, is not ready for another member. I'm not exactly sure if we'll ever be. Financially, emotionally, and mentally we are not all in the right place at the moment. One day that might change, or it might not. And that's okay. Some days are harder than others though. But in the end, I know that my actions are the correct ones. Our daughter was not planned, and as much as I love her I wish that I had been better. I wish that I had experienced a different pregnancy, and that I had brought her into a home life that wasn't so angry and tumultuous. That was completely unfair to her, and it breaks my heart to know that she was born into that. So if there aren't any interventions, and one day we do get to plan on having another child, I'll be blissfully content knowing that we are doing so because we are ready to bring them into a home that is at peace. Until then, I'm going to fully enjoy and love my one and only.