Failure

I got my paycheck today. Barely enough to pay for our cell phone bill, a canister of formula and two packs of diapers.

I feel like I'm failing as a mother...

Pretty Fussy

My head hurts. I caught up on my sleep yesterday, finally. I woke up this morning even more tired. My daughter was as bushy-tailed as you can get at 6 am.

Recently, I feel like maybe we let this whole "I want to hold her 24/7" thing go for too long. Because now, my daughter wants to be held constantly. And she's only 4 1/2 months! She doesn't like to stay in her swing or her bouncy seat. And when you do carry her, you have to be standing. If you're not standing she'll start crying. And now that she's wanting to stay awake more, she's constantly crying! Also, when she's sleepy/hungry she will cry and cry. I try to give her a bottle and she spits it out and screams. 15 minutes later she's opening her mouth because she wants the bottle.

And to be honest, this frustrates me. I can't seem to get much done because she's crying and I'm trying to make her happy. I tried the whole "just sit her down and walk away" trick. But she cried for twenty minutes and she ended up gasping for air. So I had to pick her up.

How do you stop this? I can't help but think that maybe I'm too late, but I'm grasping at the ends of hope. Has anyone else out there had to deal with this?

2 Hours

I'm running on 2 1/2 hours of sleep.

I'm exhausted.

And my feet are still stained in blood.

I need a shower.