Last Snow Day…I Think…

So this morning we woke up to a lot of snow coming down. A bit of ice as well. So, I stayed home with my punkin!! I feel like such a wuss though, because by 2pm all of the snow and ice was melting away. The roads were all drivable by 3pm. Still, by that point, it wouldn’t have been worth it to go to work. I would have only gotten 1-2 hours in. Needless to say, my paycheck on Monday is going to suck. And now, they are saying that this Monday and Tuesday we have more chance for snow. Craaap!!

But, how can I not love spending time with my little baby? No matter how bad missing out on work today made me feel, her giggles made it worth it. Ha! Until the little monster inside of her decided to come forth.  LOL! She threw some tantrums today, that made me wish she was old enough to spank! Or at least, put into time out and she actually KNOW what I was talking about! She yelled, cried, and screamed bloody murder when I took the plastic bag (she got a hold of) away from her. Or when she decided to remove EVERY single DVD from the bottom of our DVD racks, and I smacked her little handle. Man, she was pissed! Then when I sat her down in her playpen before she was ready, and she would not stop crying until I came back and picked her up. I let her cry for a good 10 minutes and she never gave up! Persistent little girl, that’s for sure. And finally, her only taking a twenty-minute nap today, made her very crabby. EVERYTHING she did, had an attitude about it.  I know her teeth were bothering her, but I numbed her up pretty good. I know that couldn’t have been the problem. She’s just been so spoiled by BOTH sides of the family, that it’s going to be hell when we’re finally on our own, No one to cater to the little princess…awww! But seriously, even despite the little evil monster that comes out every now and then, I would still die for her. She’s MY little monster after all.

But now, since I’m pooped and completely drained, I want to go to SLEEP! Unfortunately my uncle brought his “wonder twins” over and they are wearing out Emery, so I am thankful for that, but they are annoying the CRAP out of me! So, instead of boring you with small talk, I shall post a couple of pictures in honor of my little angel turning the big UNO this month (17th)!!

Cold Weather

It has been WAY too cold recently. Monday was cool, sunny, and pretty. Monday night, all hell broke loose and we had ice, rain, and a bit of snow. Woke up to a few cars in ditches. All because certain people think that just because you drive a 4x4 you are guaranteed to triumph over anything. WRONG! So, because of this awful snow (ice), I was able to miss two days of work and get to snuggle up with my little punkin! It had not gotten above 20 degrees until today. So, we spent most of our time in PJ’s and had hot chocolate. Emery would not have anything to do with the snow. It was as if she could not be bothered. We’d show her, hold her by the window, and even attempted to take her out in it. She just did not care. LOL! Those two days made me really want to be a stay at home mommy one day. She lets me kiss her all I want right now, and she’s the best snuggler! Unfortunately, by the time I DO get to be a stay at home mom, Emery will be full grown trying to get away from her mom who likes to give kisses and hugs all the time because it’s just so “embarrassing”. LOL!

But alas, all good things must come to an end and today I had to return to work. Meh. But first, a family “argument” ensued over who was taking who to work and why some of us had to actually be there on time. After that 20 minute conversation, it has made things a bit more clear for me. WE NEED TO MOVE. At least by the end of this year. We got our taxes done last Saturday (YAY FOR HAVING KIDS!!) and so I am happy to say that a good portion of our debt will be paid off! Woo Woo! So excited! It sucks that most of that will have to pretty much be “thrown away” but that’s what we get for letting ourselves get that deep in the first place. But then, we’ll be done! Finished! Well, almost. We might even be able to take a FAMILY vacation to California with what’s left!! Squeeeeeeeee! But, that’s getting ahead of myself. Anywho, with most of this debt taken care of, that will leave us open to pay for other things like RENT on our OWN apartment (my credit is shot; no way we could get a house)! We have to save up for it at first because everything will take a down payment or a deposit. But hopefully, we’ll have plenty saved by the end of this year! I say this now, watch something come up or another expense looms its head over us (never fails).

Anyway, I long for our own place. That sense of independence, and the luxury of having your OWN space. Decorating however you like; doing whatever you like. Having a bedroom (with a door), a bathroom (that works), and a living room!! Yes, the little things in life. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone but yourself! Ahhh, the freedoms! Not to mention, my parents would be highly appreciative of us getting out of there! They love us and have been amazing with us, but there are too many people in that house. And with my aunt and uncle going nowhere fast, WE must be the ones to leave. A first step in allowing THEM to have their OWN place to themselves again. Because I know it’s been straining on them as well.

So now, I must tighten the budget. I must start dividing stuff up and making sure we CAN get as much paid off as possible. I want us to get our own place but only if we can afford it. And hopefully, with a few positive changes coming up, we just might get our wish! 

Body Image & Why I Can’t Help But Hate Mine

Body Image. Man, I really hate those two words. I have such a negative view of my own body, that any time someone says “you must love your body”, I hold back the urge to gag and slap whoever it is that’s telling me this across the face. How dare they?! They have NO idea what I am going through! They have no idea how my thoughts work! And maybe sometimes they do, and then I get mad because they aren’t as disgusted with their own bodies, as I am with mine. Yes, I know this is awful, negative, and unhealthy but I can’t help it!

When I was younger, all I WANTED was to be this skinny girl with perfect hair and perfect clothes, and for Pete’s sake would it kill a BOY to find interest in me!? As I got older, I was a bit more rebellious, I had bigger boobs than most girls in my class so I started “covering” up. And by that, I mean I started dressing more like a boy. LOL! T-shirts, jeans, chucks. I still didn’t find myself pretty or skinny, but I worked out CONSTANTLY! I may not have been skinny, but I sure as hell was NOT going to get bigger. Looking back on those days now, and I have no idea WHAT I was thinking?? Anywho, California happened and I screwed up. I stopped exercising as much because I was working two jobs. I got high, so I was EATING a good amount more (and with all those fast food places RIGHT around the corner, my toughest decision was “Where do I go eat tonight?” Not good.

Fast forward to moving back to Texas, then getting married, and finally pregnancy. My weight went up and down CONSTANTLY throughout those three years!! Now, I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for the world! To be honest, I’d do it all over again if I could. But, those nasty stretch marks left behind...I DO NOT CARE FOR. That gross flap of FLAB that dangles from my midsection is repulsive. And because of all of this, I just can’t love my body. I hate it. Those stretch marks on my thighs, buttocks, and midsection are awful, huge, and DEEP! I used “Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, and TUMMY balm” the ENTIRE time I was pregnant. And at first, I only gained three marks on my belly from losing weight so fast than the last three months of pregnancy totally did me in. My entire stomach and sides were covered. It will take LASER REMOVAL to get rid of them! And that’s money, I don’t have! That’s money that I could never spend on myself because I have a CHILD or DEBT that need it more.

I see loss in these marks. I know it’s stupid but, I fear that if they don’t eventually go away that I will no longer be “appealing” to my husband. Not to mention my sex drive has gone WAY down too. My husband is nice about it, but I can tell that it bothers him a bit more than he lets on. I used to be adventurous, and I was always ready to fool around. Now, I can’t even really do anything unless my shirt stays on and that’s even IF I allow myself to get that far. And this change in me, due to the marks, the lack of self-esteem has me a bit annoyed. I’m bothered that I let this get to me so bad. I should be proud. I should wear these marks with pride! They mean that I gave birth. That I brought a soul into this world. They stand for motherhood and all the joys that come with it. So why, do those things still not bring me comfort? Why am I still so upset about them? 

This is one of those things I have to overcome. I have to accept myself, how I am. But who knows when that will be…