Shut The Door
Friday, November 22, 2019
Now that the “cat is out of the bag” so to speak, I can also say that the drama was just getting started back then. How so much has changed in almost two months. Never in a million years would I have imagined having to witness some of the stuff that I’ve had to recently. I also never pictured being the person who sat silently while their ex poured their heart out about a baby and his disastrous relationship with his girlfriend, K. Even during some of the conversations we have now, it sometimes feels like an out of body experience. “Will K be coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Do they need to plan for the kids to be there?” and “Maybe she’s not the only one that needs to grow up if your relationship is going to work?” are two statements that have come out of my mouth tonight alone, and it feels so trippy. Sometimes, I sit and playback the conversations in my head and wonder who the hell I am and where the fuck did I misplace my dignity & self-respect? Then I remind myself that this isn’t just about me anymore.
So yes, things have been rather intense lately. There was a threatened miscarriage & hemorrhaging. Em was finally given the news about K’s pregnancy and she wasn’t exactly thrilled. Then there was police involvement, and a CPS investigation opened up on K, which is still active. Also, the reason why I can’t say much, just in case. There’s been an order of protection put in place and it came to light that there were also false accusations that were made. This was followed up with a breakup, a court order, and then K moving away. There’s been a lot of lying in between, and some pretty ridiculous behavior from both of them. Death threats were made against Beau by an ex of K’s and not so shockingly they mentioned knowing where I lived. That was a whole other ordeal. Beau’s house was broken into and a lot of things were doused in gasoline. Not even joking. Appointments were set with lawyers, and there have been visits with Beau’s probation officer. Police were called for a second and third time. Then, last week there were threats of abortion. Because, you know, treating a baby as a pawn in a game is totally healthy. And throughout all of this, Beau & K are off/on depending on the day. To add to the chaos I was also informed by my counselor that I could be pulled into the CPS investigation because K mentioned that Beau had another child. So, if they decided to look into both parties a bit deeper then they could very well show up at my home. And even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, that is the LAST thing that I need right now.
This is why I’ve done the best that I can to move forward, and stay out of Beau and K’s business. As in, not putting my two cents in or giving advice. I’ve made myself compartmentalize all of my feelings about the situation too. Back in October, it took me a good two weeks of processing before I felt okay again after being informed about the pregnancy. Thankfully, one of my best friends sat with me through some of the darker days. Forcing me to purge all of the thoughts and feelings I had, without judgment. They patiently sat with me to watch countless cheesy movies while also allowing me to cry when I was feeling really sad. And they served as a tether that pulled me back down when my mind started drifting off. A grounding presence when everything around me felt like it was self-destructing with every move I made. I am forever grateful to this best friend of mine because without them I feel like I would have let my depression consume me a lot longer. But after two weeks of grieving and having some really amazing support from those closest to me, I was finally able to move past the sadness and anger. I fully accepted that this was out of my control. And the only thing I could really do was just be there for emotional support if either Beau or K needed it. Not that K would ever accept it, but I still needed to be open to her. I also needed to pray for this baby that was about to come into the world. That nothing bad would happen going forward, and that he/she was able to come into this life as healthy as possible despite K’s lack of self-care during this pregnancy.
By nature, I’m a worrier. I stress over things, and I go over so many different scenarios. I obsess over tiny little details and get fixated on what could have been done differently. Unlearning this way of thinking, and trusting that God has a plan has been one of the hardest things for me to do. And saying little prayers here and there is one of the few things that have been helping me get through it. It’s allowed me to think more positively about the future. It’s allowed me to accept that sometimes we don’t get what we want. Instead, we receive what we NEED. Everything comes on its own time, and when I start to feel those overwhelming emotions I just need to let them go. Instead of dwelling on them, I pray for my family. For Beau and K. For my nephew and my parents. And I pray for my daughter and her soon-to-be half-sibling. That they are allowed to be in our lives, for my daughter’s sake as well as their own. It’s also made me realize that I needed prayer for myself as well. And to be okay with asking others to keep me in their prayers during this time. Because I’m going to need God’s help in whatever comes next. As accepting as I am about the situation now, I know that there are still certain things that will come up that will feel like someone is pouring salt on an open wound. Like the day I was shown the sonograms. That was a pretty intense moment. Then there was the moment when I had to see K with a baby bump and knowing that I’d probably never get to experience that ever again definitely stirred up some hurt. Jealousy and anger too. But the next milestone will be finding out the gender, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. If K’s having a boy I feel like that will hurt me so much more than if she were to have a girl because I wanted to be the one to give Em a baby brother. As if I had any kind of say in that, to begin with. So, I’m constantly having to tell myself that this is in God’s hands now. The only thing I can really do is pray and give it over to his plan.
On top of everything going on, did I mention that Beau’s currently sleeping on my couch at night? Since K wasn’t paying the bills and hadn’t been for the past month, all of the utilities were turned off. When we had below-freezing temperatures last week I allowed him to crash on my couch and to store some of his equipment in my shed in the backyard. That’s when he informed me that two weeks ago he was told by his landlords that they would not be allowing him to renew his lease. Of course, none of this is my responsibility and I’m fully aware of this. I’m also not naive enough to believe that Beau had no idea that bills were not being paid. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling pretty bad about him not having heat, electricity, or running water. I did tell him that this was temporary, and only for getting rest at night. If he’s not here by the time Em and I are ready for bed then he has to find someplace else to go. I also made it very clear that I expected him to have a plan by this weekend because my couch was only available for so long. And I really need to get back to my own life. A life without all of the petty drama and negativity that he can’t seem to stay away from. But do you wanna know something interesting? Our time together has actually made me realize a few things. It’s shown me that the person who stands in my kitchen, who sits on my couch, who cracks jokes with Em, or occasionally, I catch watching me as I fold laundry - is not the same person I married eleven years ago. I can see the subtle changes in his face, his demeanor, and the more drastic ones in his eyes. He’s not the same person that I fell in love with all of those years ago. And while I will always love him, always wanting the best for him, somewhere along these past two months I did what I never thought I’d ever be able to do. I uncurled my fingers, wiped away the tears, and let “us” go. I let go of the possibilities and the “what could have been's”. And y’all, I survived it. I quietly, but firmly, shut the door on that life and I finally said goodbye.
So yes, things have been rather intense lately. There was a threatened miscarriage & hemorrhaging. Em was finally given the news about K’s pregnancy and she wasn’t exactly thrilled. Then there was police involvement, and a CPS investigation opened up on K, which is still active. Also, the reason why I can’t say much, just in case. There’s been an order of protection put in place and it came to light that there were also false accusations that were made. This was followed up with a breakup, a court order, and then K moving away. There’s been a lot of lying in between, and some pretty ridiculous behavior from both of them. Death threats were made against Beau by an ex of K’s and not so shockingly they mentioned knowing where I lived. That was a whole other ordeal. Beau’s house was broken into and a lot of things were doused in gasoline. Not even joking. Appointments were set with lawyers, and there have been visits with Beau’s probation officer. Police were called for a second and third time. Then, last week there were threats of abortion. Because, you know, treating a baby as a pawn in a game is totally healthy. And throughout all of this, Beau & K are off/on depending on the day. To add to the chaos I was also informed by my counselor that I could be pulled into the CPS investigation because K mentioned that Beau had another child. So, if they decided to look into both parties a bit deeper then they could very well show up at my home. And even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, that is the LAST thing that I need right now.
This is why I’ve done the best that I can to move forward, and stay out of Beau and K’s business. As in, not putting my two cents in or giving advice. I’ve made myself compartmentalize all of my feelings about the situation too. Back in October, it took me a good two weeks of processing before I felt okay again after being informed about the pregnancy. Thankfully, one of my best friends sat with me through some of the darker days. Forcing me to purge all of the thoughts and feelings I had, without judgment. They patiently sat with me to watch countless cheesy movies while also allowing me to cry when I was feeling really sad. And they served as a tether that pulled me back down when my mind started drifting off. A grounding presence when everything around me felt like it was self-destructing with every move I made. I am forever grateful to this best friend of mine because without them I feel like I would have let my depression consume me a lot longer. But after two weeks of grieving and having some really amazing support from those closest to me, I was finally able to move past the sadness and anger. I fully accepted that this was out of my control. And the only thing I could really do was just be there for emotional support if either Beau or K needed it. Not that K would ever accept it, but I still needed to be open to her. I also needed to pray for this baby that was about to come into the world. That nothing bad would happen going forward, and that he/she was able to come into this life as healthy as possible despite K’s lack of self-care during this pregnancy.
By nature, I’m a worrier. I stress over things, and I go over so many different scenarios. I obsess over tiny little details and get fixated on what could have been done differently. Unlearning this way of thinking, and trusting that God has a plan has been one of the hardest things for me to do. And saying little prayers here and there is one of the few things that have been helping me get through it. It’s allowed me to think more positively about the future. It’s allowed me to accept that sometimes we don’t get what we want. Instead, we receive what we NEED. Everything comes on its own time, and when I start to feel those overwhelming emotions I just need to let them go. Instead of dwelling on them, I pray for my family. For Beau and K. For my nephew and my parents. And I pray for my daughter and her soon-to-be half-sibling. That they are allowed to be in our lives, for my daughter’s sake as well as their own. It’s also made me realize that I needed prayer for myself as well. And to be okay with asking others to keep me in their prayers during this time. Because I’m going to need God’s help in whatever comes next. As accepting as I am about the situation now, I know that there are still certain things that will come up that will feel like someone is pouring salt on an open wound. Like the day I was shown the sonograms. That was a pretty intense moment. Then there was the moment when I had to see K with a baby bump and knowing that I’d probably never get to experience that ever again definitely stirred up some hurt. Jealousy and anger too. But the next milestone will be finding out the gender, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. If K’s having a boy I feel like that will hurt me so much more than if she were to have a girl because I wanted to be the one to give Em a baby brother. As if I had any kind of say in that, to begin with. So, I’m constantly having to tell myself that this is in God’s hands now. The only thing I can really do is pray and give it over to his plan.
On top of everything going on, did I mention that Beau’s currently sleeping on my couch at night? Since K wasn’t paying the bills and hadn’t been for the past month, all of the utilities were turned off. When we had below-freezing temperatures last week I allowed him to crash on my couch and to store some of his equipment in my shed in the backyard. That’s when he informed me that two weeks ago he was told by his landlords that they would not be allowing him to renew his lease. Of course, none of this is my responsibility and I’m fully aware of this. I’m also not naive enough to believe that Beau had no idea that bills were not being paid. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling pretty bad about him not having heat, electricity, or running water. I did tell him that this was temporary, and only for getting rest at night. If he’s not here by the time Em and I are ready for bed then he has to find someplace else to go. I also made it very clear that I expected him to have a plan by this weekend because my couch was only available for so long. And I really need to get back to my own life. A life without all of the petty drama and negativity that he can’t seem to stay away from. But do you wanna know something interesting? Our time together has actually made me realize a few things. It’s shown me that the person who stands in my kitchen, who sits on my couch, who cracks jokes with Em, or occasionally, I catch watching me as I fold laundry - is not the same person I married eleven years ago. I can see the subtle changes in his face, his demeanor, and the more drastic ones in his eyes. He’s not the same person that I fell in love with all of those years ago. And while I will always love him, always wanting the best for him, somewhere along these past two months I did what I never thought I’d ever be able to do. I uncurled my fingers, wiped away the tears, and let “us” go. I let go of the possibilities and the “what could have been's”. And y’all, I survived it. I quietly, but firmly, shut the door on that life and I finally said goodbye.
Thanksgiving Day 2016
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