Kim & Carlos

Last year my brother got married. I had started to write about it, but for some reason I have about three pages worth that I never published. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I'll probably get around to posting the pictures one day. For now, I'd like to just keep them to myself for a bit. Anyway, he and my sister-in-law had been together for ten years so the wedding had been in the works for awhile. And then that August they made the move to Nacogdoches. So this marks two years that we haven't been together to celebrate our birthdays. And when I say "WE" I mean ALL of us. We all have birthdays within seven days of each other. 

So, Happy Birthday to my lovely sister-in-law Kim (Oct. 24th), and Happy Birthday to my baby brother Carlos (Oct. 25th). When I called him to sing "Happy Birthday" his response was "You know I'm 27 right? Not sure little applies anymore." And my reply was "Well, you'll always be younger than me so the title stays." Then he made some smart ass comment about how old I was getting, and he's lucky he wasn't here in person or there would have been a purple nurple being given. Little shit. But I love them. I'm sad we aren't all close by like we used to be. It was tradition that we'd all get together for dinner with our parents, and spend it talking over good food and a ton of laughs. I miss it. I miss them. BUT I am super proud of everything they are taking on, and achieving. I'm blessed to be able to communicate with them regularly, and to see them in person from time to time. And I am so grateful for the year we were all given. So to you guys: I love you so much! And I wish you many more years ahead. See y'all for Thanksgiving! 

Twenty-Nine

On the 21st I turned twenty nine. I'm still a little devastated that this is my last year in my twenties. How the fuck did that happen?? I have no idea why it's bothering me so much though. A lot of people that I've spoken to say that the 30's is the new 20's. I hear that a lot of growth, and maturity hits around/after one turns thirty. It's like turning a new leaf, and understanding yourself at another level. When put like that it doesn't sound so bad. In fact, I could use some of that maturity now. Ultimately, I guess what scares me the most is being thirty years old, and not feeling different. Not feeling a sense of accomplishment. Not being able to truly grasp what I want in my life. Feeling just as confused, and directionless as I did at seventeen; at twenty-five. Being stuck. That is what I fear most.

Since there's nothing I can do to stop/pause time I guess I shouldn't dwell on the things I have no control over. I should embrace this year. I should reach as many goals as I can, and burn through any obstacles that try to get in my way. Twenty-nine should be limitless, and it should be eye opening. By the time next October rolls around I should be ready to let my 20's go out with a bang! And that's exactly what I am hoping for today. I'm hoping to be able to reach thirty. I'm hoping to smash the goals I have in place. I'm hoping to advance either in this career, or maybe if the time is right to embark on a new one. I hope to start seeing the fractured parts of my life finally start to heal and move forward. Because we only get to do life once, right?

To You

This has been a rough year. There has been growth. There have been setbacks. There is still so much left to decide on, and I know that we are both so unsure as to how we will fit in each others lives in the future. Whether it's together or separate. Whether we can get through this, or not. Emotions are always changing, but I will always want you to be happy. Despite, or maybe in spite of, everything that has happened you have always been my best friend. I know I have not been the easiest person to get along with, or be married to. I know that we have both screwed up in many ways. Ups, downs, joy, sorrow, and heartache. Man, have we been through it. We've caused it to ourselves in some instances. And in others we held each other through the pain that was being inflicted onto us by others.  I sit here now having no idea whether we'll ever be able to get back on solid ground again. Whether we'll ever fit again. But I do know one thing for certain: I will always LOVE YOU. I wish you well. I wish you years of happiness. I wish for our daughter to load you down with hugs, and kisses on this day every year. I wish for you to feel loved, and wanted. I wish for many, many more years of you in our lives. And I'll take it in whatever capacity the future has in store for us. I wish for you to have good health. For you to smile, and to be at peace. I wish you the world, and all of your dreams. Here's to what's next, here's to you. 

Happy Birthday Love