Back at the end of January, when I was doing all of my "discovery" and "baby steps", a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go on a road-trip. I'd help them drive, see a few sights along the way, and then catch a flight back. I'd be gone a total of 3 days, and catch a flight back early on the 4th day. At first, I jumped at the offer. What could be more fun than getting out of town for a few days? But then I started to think. I started to question whether this was even doable. Most people thought it was a great idea, but others gave me that "look". Parents get it a lot. You know, the one where the person is trying to figure out if they heard you correctly? It's usually followed by registration of your words, and then swiftly turns into a disapproving face and/or sigh. They'd always follow up this look with, "What about your daughter? You can't just go off on a vacation without her." But that's not all. When they would ask who I'd be going with, and I'd answer with a male friend that I've known since I was 17, I'd quickly get a: "You shouldn't do that." or "Just stay home, get a hotel room here, and have a staycation." So, eventually, after a lot of thought I declined the offer.
I felt really guilty for even considering the trip in the first place. Leaving my little behind for a few days was definitely not something I had ever considered before. Why would I start now? I honestly don't see how some parents can do it without feeling some amount of guilt. Practice maybe? My mother was the most vocal about her not being on board with the idea. "I never went anywhere without you or your brother. You shouldn't go anywhere without mija." Mind you this is the same woman who thinks it's perfectly acceptable for Emery to go with her and my dad on vacation without me (a post on that later). Still, I started to talk about this subject with a few of my acquaintances & friends. I talked to some who are moms, and some that are not. One woman told me that she, and her husband took vacations once a year by themselves. The kids stayed at the grandparents home for the week, and they went on vacation alone. But they also took yearly family vacations as well. Another woman, who was recently divorced, told me that I should do something spontaneous for myself and this trip was just what I needed. Who cared what others thought? My daughter would be in good hands, and it would only be three days. When I asked a relative about their opinion on the subject her response started with, "Well, it doesn't make you a bad mom but..." And that right there is what I had been fearing: being a bad mom.
I think the thought of being considered a bad mom was what hit me the hardest out of everything. I had already failed as a wife, and I didn't want to fail at being a mother too. I was already going through a really rough time. The idea of going on a road-trip was so tempting. I was at a point where I just wanted to get away for a few days. Away from the drama, the daily routine, the responsibilities, the women (compliments of a small town), and the answers people would seek that I couldn't bring myself to give. I was tired, and being pulled internally towards many directions. My mind felt like it was running on empty, and there was barely anything left of me. I just wanted a break. But that word alone, break, leaves a bad taste in my mouth sometimes. I kept asking myself, "Who could possibly need a three or four day break from their kid?" I felt so guilty, and selfish for even wanting time to myself. For even considering something that didn't include my daughter. If I was having a rough time, I could only imagine how she felt. So, if she wasn't going to be coming with me then I might as well forget ever going anywhere.
My counselor, on many occasions has told me that I'm not JUST a mother. I'm not JUST a wife. He's stressed that I need to find MYSELF again if I
ever want to be happy. If I ever want to move forward. I'm supposed to
do things that I like, and try to be open to experiencing new things.
BUT how do we do that when we have kids? When we have responsibilities?
Jobs, and everyday life? How do you find yourself if you never get time to spend alone with yourself? Then during the times that you do find a moment people judge you extremely hard over it. I get how traveling with a male friend would raise some eyebrows, I get
that. But all of this made me wonder why this same pressure, and guilt
isn't placed on fathers? B.A. (before the affairs- that's what I'm
calling it) my spouse went on a handful of solo trips/ weekends with the
boys. No one questioned it. No one asked him why he wasn't taking his
daughter along. No one expressed to him that three days away was three days
too many. It's as if it was expected of him. It was acceptable for him to have that time because he needed it. But what about us moms? Why is guilt placed on us for thinking of, or actually committing to some time away? Why is it that we get the "looks", and our love for our children is called into question? Why is it that our identity from before, once we become mothers, is expected to take a back seat?
For now the guilt is too much for me. I can't bring myself to be away from my daughter for long periods of time. It's possible that as she gets older my feelings on this will change. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes wish for space, or daydream of time alone. I really envy those out there that can take some time away. I wish I were as brave as you. Maybe that statement on it's own makes me a bad mom, I'm not sure? What I do know is that I'm trying to get my moments. Whether it's the solo drive home from work down the back roads. The five minutes of silence before the rest of the house wakes up in the morning. The few minutes I get at the gym when I'm on the treadmill. Because my daughter knows not to come that far forward since it's against gym rules. I just know that I'm trying. I'm trying to find ME again. I'm trying to be comfortable with separation, as well as closeness. I'm trying to enjoy the moments, however tiny they may be, and appreciate them. I'm trying to find out what my limits and boundaries are in regards to spending time away.
