I Hope I'm Doing This Right...

Emery has grown so much, in so many different ways, in the past few months. There are times when I'm not sure how I'll ever catch up. Preschool has been amazing for her, and I'm really glad that we waited until she was four before putting her in it. I think she had just the right balance of being at home, and learning from our very mixed cultural family to prepare her for being around children and adults of different backgrounds. She's so open to a lot of things, and she gets excited when she's presented with something new to learn. I'm happy to see that she doesn't treat anyone differently, and when she sees others do so she quickly lets them know that it isn't right. I am so proud, and if this seems a bit like bragging, just know that I am. A little bit. But that's what parents are allowed to do from time to time, right? 
One day at the beginning of October the teachers pulled me aside, and told me that she was really well mannered and really a head of some of the other kids. I walked away letting out a huge sigh of relief because up until that point I'd always had this nagging feeling that we weren't doing enough, or at the least could be doing more to prepare her for school. Not only academically but emotionally as well. Hearing that she was excelling was a huge weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized I had been carrying around. But she's doing great! She wakes up on her school mornings so excited to see friends and learn. As soon as we are at the early care room door she gives me a quick kiss, a very loud "I LOVE YOU MOM, SEE YOU LATER!", and rushes off. When we get home it's filled with stories that they read, songs that she got to sing, and even some funny things that the other kids did. There are some days when she thinks they had too much playtime, and not enough homework which is pretty interesting. I really hope she keeps that outlook up. The attitude that she has going in, and the excitement that she exudes reassures me that she is happy. And that's all we ever want for our kids isn't it? 
She did experience her first encounter with "mean girls" which was shocking to me because they're only four. But it's out there, it happens, and if it had continued I would have had a long not-so-nice conversation with some parents. I remember the first time she came to me and told me some girls at school wouldn't allow her to play with them, and that they had told her they hated her. It completely broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to march back down there and take her out of that class. She wasn't ready, I thought. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. But, then she told me what her response was and it had me smiling. "Mom, I just did this *she shrugs* and I said: Whhhaaattt? Why would you hate me? You don't even know me silly. And then I went and played with some other kids." She handled it beautifully, don't you think? I did my best to explain that she didn't need these little girls to play with. There were plenty of others there. And I even tried to explain that those girls more than likely had no idea how hurtful the word "hate" is, or the real meaning of it. She looked at me and said "It's okay mommy. I know they don't really hate me." And a week later they were all friends. 
I still catch myself wondering if letting her navigate that particular issue in her own way was okay. Should I have told the teachers? The parents? I know that we can't protect our children from everything because there is a great big world out there. And it's not always nice. But, this doesn't mean I want my child to be exposed to all of these things at her current age. It just so happened that this particular issue was happening to her right then. And I'm not exactly sure what that says about us adults? There isn't a manual or time table for me to follow either. I was proud that she felt comfortable enough to tell me right away what had happened. I really want that to be the case for everything that goes on as she continues to grow. Still, I wonder if I did the right thing? If I did it right? That's the thing about being a parent though, it's different for everyone. We can just pray and hope that we're doing the best that we  can to not make things worse.

Listen

27

Yesterday, I turned 27.

As the years have come and gone I've realized that I have this fear of growing older. It's not the getting old in years, or the unavoidable death that comes with age that scares me though. It's the "living life without doing anything with it" that scares me. I had a conversation with my "sisters" this morning, about how: this is it. We do not get do overs, and we can not get any of that time back. Once it's gone...it's gone. And currently, I've been feeling as if I've done absolutely nothing with my time. 

I know that being a mother is a blessing, and it is (and will always be) my greatest achievement. But I always knew that I would be a mother. I knew that this was something I wanted for my life, and I could not have been happier on the day that this dream became a reality. But now what? What is next for me? School? I'm doing that. A good job? I have one. A home? Yup, I have that too. And these are all really great things! I know this. I know that I am so lucky to have the opportunity to pursue these goals, and to have these securities. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being an awful person for not being content with what I already have: good health, a loving family, simple life, a beautiful & healthy daughter. And it's not that I'm NOT content with that. I know how blessed I am to have these things. But I also feel like I should be doing more. I should be aiming to accomplish more. I know that I CAN do more. And yet, I'm always in fear of pushing too far. I fear that I'm wanting too much. That I'm being too selfish. Too greedy. I'm scared that all of these dreams will always be just that: dreams.

Back in March, I touched on some of the things I hoped to do one day. Since then the list has expanded. But I'm no closer now to crossing any of those things off of my list than I was on the day I started it. And now, the goals have spread out to more than just travelling. I want to conquer a fear. I want to live in another country for a year. I want to change my eating habits for GOOD. I want to become a morning person. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to change someone's life. I want to be positive, and bring a good energy to people. I want to be at peace with myself. With my life, with my choices. I want the happiness I see in my daughters eyes when she finally coaxes a snail from it's shell. The excitement shines through her in rays, and I can't help but hope that one day I'll get that excited about something again. You know? I want to be good, and feel good about what I'm doing. The years are coming and going, faster now it seems, and I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm running out of time. Every year that I don't do or try something new is a waste. And worst of all I feel like I'm failing.

I understand that this all has to be set in motion by me. No one else out there can start the changes or start working towards these goals because they're mine alone to achieve. And there has to be something inside of me that lights that fire. At 27, I think I'm finally ready to take the initiative and find out just what that is. This is my year I think. I can feel it in pretty much every part of me, that I'm done being still. So, here's to 27! May it be filled with new adventures, new accomplishments, and a huge freakin' fire being lit under my ass. Because this is it.