The Many Roles Take Their Toll

Fair warning, this post is nothing but ramblings. There are no updates, no pictures of my little one, and a lot of confusing blabber. This post was definitely for my benefit. You've been warned.  

I'm a mother, a wife, a student, and an employee. I have many roles in this life and lately I just feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to play them all correctly. The phrase "Oh, but I have to do this so I can't do that" seems to be uttered more times than I can count. Because in all honesty, I don't have enough time in a single day to do everything that I'd like or needs to be accomplished. More often than not, when 9 o'clock rolls around all I can think about is sleep. How much I need it; crave it. I can barely keep my eyelids open, but I have to keep pushing past that fog because shit still needs to get done. By the time the alarm rings, signaling the start of a new day, I'm left wondering if I even slept at all? That couldn't possibly have been six hours of sleep. My body is tired, and my mind is exhausted. 

I've come to realize that I've slowly slipped back into this rut. I've put myself last on this long list of things that take priority and I'm currently paying the price for it. This seems to be the story of my life, huh? Consistency is not my forte, unless it's being consistently inconsistent. And I could sit here and talk about how I wish it were. How I'll try to do better. How I want this change to happen because I need to get back on whatever wagon I've fallen off of this time. But clearly I'm not at that place in life. Which is a real shame because as much as I hate routine, I need some in my life. I currently can't have a single plan in place because SOMETHING always gets in the way. Something else ALWAYS comes up. And before I know it, I just don't have the time for anything that I'd like for myself. Whether that's exercise, a diet, to read a book, to go visit a place, or even just take a nap. It can't be done, because there's always that something else. 

I hope that, sometime soon, things settle. I hope that I get my simple life back. I hope that I can go back to eating better, working out, giving 110% to my job as well as my home. I want to do better, and be better. Who doesn't really? I guess I should at least take comfort in the fact that I know exactly what "this" is that I go through every year. It seems to happen at about the same time every year. A cycle I can't for the life of me break, yet. So I know it passes, and I know that I'll push right on through like I always do. But here, in the now, it feels never ending. It feels so exhausting, and weary. 

I know as soon as I hit publish on this post my mood will lift. Something else will preoccupy my mind and I'll move forward like I always do. Hell, I might even get out of this funk as soon as I'm done writing. But I felt like I should write it down anyway. Occasionally, for me, writing can become therapeutic in some of the most unlikely instances. This is probably why I have many many journals boxed up from my younger years. So there you have it. The inner thoughts, at this very moment, of one tired "stretched- too- thin" woman.

p.s. Feeling better already :)

Four.

This morning we woke up and got ready for our day. Our weekend was filled with birthday parties, more packing, a vet appointment, and a lot of birthday party planning. So this morning, I was just dragging. I knew I should not have stayed up so late, and then kept hitting the snooze button when my alarm went off this morning. But I was just so damn tired. It was a miracle that we were ready to go by 7:15.

However as we were leaving I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I made another turn through the house: Draco fed and watered- check. Lights are all turned off- check. Computer in backpack- check. Emery's day bag in the car- check. Still, I knew there was something not quite right. My planner was packed, and my iPhone notifications don't go off until after 9 am every morning. But I KNEW there was something important that I was missing. When I turned around to ask Emery if she was ready, I stopped mid-sentence with a pretty loud "Are you ready to - OOOH MY GOSH! It's your BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday my love! Omg, I can't believe it. Happy Birthday my lovely little girl!!" I looked over to my husband and asked him to confirm that today was in fact the 17th, and he said that we were officially the worst parents for almost forgetting. And then I started crying. My baby is four years old now, and I was this close to spacing on it. What the heck?!?

You see I had this whole day planned. I was going to wake up early and make a trip to the local bakery to get her a cupcake, and we were going to have a small present for her to open. Since we are having her birthday party this upcoming weekend, we weren't going to do a huge celebration. Just us three. And then we'd take her out to dinner. Only, for some reason when I woke up this morning I thought we still had a week. It wasn't until I was sitting in our driveway that I realized what the date was. And then I felt like crap for almost forgetting, and for not having that damn cupcake.

So now, I'm hoping that I can make it up to her. It's going to be another late night for us since I have classes, but she usually waits for me anyways. I'll have the present, and the cupcake. I'll even throw in a candle because I know she'll love getting to blow one out. I know people say that she won't remember this, that to her it'll be as if we're celebrating it all on her actual birthday. And maybe they're right. But, I'll know. I'll always remember that time I almost forgot. And it kind of makes me feel really awful. I mean, it's not like she's 17 years old, and I've been doing this for soooo long. No, she's only 4. Oh man, that makes me feel even worse.

So now, I just have to say: 

Happy 4th Birthday My Little Love! Mommy loves YOU very MUCH!

first picture as a four year old :) 

Introducing Draco

Well, we did it. We adopted a puppy. After all the bad luck we've had with dogs, I was completely terrified of getting another one. I didn't know if I could go through bonding with a puppy, only to have it taken from me, again. But then, I realized that I couldn't look at it that way. We'd never have another pet, ever again if I kept that mentality.

Then, I had five friends announce pregnancies. Two friends recently gave birth. And three more are due in the next few months. So yes, I was having some MAJOR baby fever. I still do. But, adding another baby is just not in the plans for us. So, I figured this would be the perfect time to add a four-legged baby to our family instead. We contacted someone about possibly adopting, and within a few days, we were told to come and look at some puppies.

If I could have taken them all, I would have. Literally, my heart melted at the sight of them. I eventually left the decision to my husband because I couldn't leave the room with just one. Once he picked one, we brought him home and the naming processes began. Unfortunately, I had no say in it, because my husband already had a name that he refused to budge on. Since I was given the honor of naming Gotham, I figured I'd let him have the honor with our new puppy. More like I pouted and sulked for two days because I didn't like the name before I finally gave in and admitted defeat.

I've been overly cautious with this little guy. I have his vet dates already set and he's not going to be allowed out to parks until he's all caught up on them and de-wormed. I'm not taking any chances, people! I want to make sure that he's protected, and doesn't get sick. So now, it's my pleasure to introduce you to, Draco. Our newest addition.