In Pursuit of Wellness // February 2024

Last year, I briefly touched base on my health. At the time, things were looking a little not-so-great. The words “diabetes” and “cardiac event” listed in red on my lab paperwork were kind of scary. And so, I had to start working on reversing these issues before they became huge problems that I couldn’t fix anymore. With that, I started on a different kind of journey. One that didn’t focus on the scale, but rather on overall wellness, movement, and being selective about the food I consumed. Thanks to Dr. Hogan, and my wonderful husband’s cooking skills - the tough changes that I had to make became bearable. That said, I wasn’t exactly sure how this would turn out. Before, I used to have this obsession with losing weight and being thin. It was as if I gauged my worth based on what size clothing I fit into and what number was listed on the scale. And if I’m being honest, I still struggle with my relationship with food. The dietary restrictions I have been placed on have allowed me to see just how bad that relationship had gotten too.

After 8 weeks on my plan, Dr. Hogan* extended it another 8 weeks. Then, I got more blood work done in December. The results were positive! I was actually reversing the damage I had caused, and the weight was coming off. My numbers were moving in the right direction, but not quite where my doctor wanted them. So, she extended the plan by another 3 months. But then, Christmas happened. Followed by New Year's. Then I was gifted a large amount of chocolate (which I ate), and when our well pump broke in the middle of January we consumed a good amount of takeout during that time. And just as quickly as I had made the changes, I had slipped up. For the most part, I stuck by my dietary restrictions, I just indulged too much during those 6 weeks. While I did feel terrible, I opted to give myself some grace. I let Dr. Hogan know about the setback. And then my husband and I decided to start the plan over again. So, January 29 was our reset date. We got rid of a lot of things in our pantry that were tempting, and I started working on my workout/run schedule.

Now, I was super hesitant to post anything about weight on here. If you’ve followed along for a while you probably saw my “Weight Loss Weigh-in” series. Looking back, I feel bad about the place I was in, mentally, as I struggled with my self-esteem and weight. I would weigh myself every other day and feel like complete crap if the number didn’t change or if I gained. But I’m in a different headspace now. So, I don’t want to put that kind of “content” out there. I don’t want to slide back into those old habits either. However, I would like to document some of the positives that have come out of these new lifestyle changes. So, I’m going to write about my experience every once in a while. Maybe every other month. Just to track how I’m feeling, what movement I’ve been enjoying, and what snack/meal I can’t seem to get enough of at that time. Or maybe I’ll change my mind. We shall see.

For this post, I will list my starting weight (before any restrictions/my highest weight last summer), current weight (I weigh myself once a month for Dr. Hogan), and goal weight (this is the number Dr. Hogan recommended). I will also list my BMI numbers. Now, I’ve talked to Dr. Hogan about what I would like to see, and what is most important to me, which isn’t necessarily weight-related. So, that goal weight number may never be reached - which I would be perfectly okay with. My focus is on balanced hormones, and having a healthy body (inside and out) that allows me to be around for a long time - God willing. Going forward, any posts I make will only reference my current weight (CW) for that month. So, let’s get to it, shall we?

Starting Weight (SW): 211 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 183 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 141 lbs
Starting/Current/Goal BMI: 35.6/32.4/25

Favorite Food: Cashews! Oh man, I can’t get enough of these. They have been my go-to snack for the past 6 months. I'm actually snacking on them right now. I get the H-E-B brand labeled “Roasted & Lightly Salted”. And I can go through a 32 oz bag in a week. Oddly, I haven’t gotten tired of them yet. Some days I actually crave them. I’ll grab a handful between meals, and sometimes when I need a snack in the afternoon because I don’t feel full - I grab another handful or two.

Movement: I started going back to the gym twice a week for anywhere between 30 - 45 minutes. Some days I would lift weights, and other days I just walked on the treadmill or hopped on the elliptical. Since I haven’t been as consistent with running as I would like, though I’m hoping I get back into a grove soon, my goal is to just move for a minimum of 30 minutes each day. That said, we’ve decided to make some cuts due to our budget, and well, the gym membership will be one of those I drop this month. So, I’ll be looking at doing at-home workouts starting in March. Wish me luck!

Quick Journal: While I can make it through my days, my energy levels are not where I would like them. Even when I get 7.5 hours of sleep I don’t feel rested. And I’m also struggling with a lack of focus. It’s affecting both my work and home life. I space out a lot. So, I plan to talk to Dr. Hogan about this the next time we check in. I’ve also noticed some changes in my emotions during my cycle, and while it’s not concerning - it’s different. We’ll see if this is just a shift, or if it’ll be permanent.

Overall, I feel like this is a good start. It wasn’t as hard to get back on track as I originally thought it would be. Having to decline eating out is probably the biggest struggle. Well, no, saying “no” to chocolate is the biggest struggle. And while I plan to stick with my restrictions, after these next 3 months we’ve (Corey and I) decided that I am allowed a “day pass” as a reward at the end of each month. I will get a day of eating whatever I want (in moderation of course). Whether that’s pan dulce, bread, pasta, chocolate, cheeseburgers, soda, sweet tea, pizza, or comfort foods - I can say yes for the day. This gives me something to work towards and look forward to having. I believe it will help me with discipline and self-control as well. For now, that’s the plan. I hope it continues to bring about a lot of positive changes.

*I’m not being compensated for anything written in this post regarding Dr. Olivia Hogan & her services. She's just doing a lot of good for women’s health & I am so proud. Super grateful too! She’s helped me understand a lot about what’s going on with my body. If you’re in Texas & interested in learning more about her services you can do so HERE on her website

Wordless Wednesday

 

Pressure, Disappointment, & Sadness

This is the year we wanted to either have already had a baby or be pregnant. And while a lot of people say, “It will happen when it happens.” For someone dealing with secondary infertility (self-diagnosed, but also implied by a doctor) those words are not comforting. Instead, it brings fear and a lot of sadness because what if? What if it doesn’t ever happen? And so, I can feel the pressure in my chest every month, and the disappointment with every negative pregnancy test result. Soon after, my cycle starts, and the sadness comes. I give myself time to cry in the shower before walking out as if nothing is wrong. Then it's back to temperature tracking and ovulation tests. And this happens every month, on repeat.

Of course, people ask why it’s such a big deal - “You just got married.” But the thing is we tried for months, then stopped. We tried again and then stopped. We’ve been together for over 4 years, and roughly two of those years were spent trying. It’s been rough if I’m being honest. Even on the months we weren’t trying it was always in the back of my mind. I’ve done my best to be hopeful. I’ve spent many nights and mornings praying. Please just let it be positive. 🙏 But now as we've started 2024, the pressure is building and it's brought with it, a countdown of sorts. Because after a lot of discussions, I expressed my desire to stop trying after I turned 37. And that happens at the end of this year.

Why the deadline, you may ask. Well, one of the concerns we discussed was the possibility of having a high-risk pregnancy. Did we want to take that gamble? Then of course there’s the age issue. Do we want to be in our 50’s or 60’s when our child graduates high school? Do we want them to have limited time with their grandparents because we had them later in life? Then there’s the issue of energy, and the ability to keep up with a child. We are already tired most of the time so would we have the energy to keep up with a child if we have them in our 40s? And finally, comes the increased possibility of our child having birth issues, defects, or disabilities. And while we would love any child, regardless of that, the concern is a financial one. Could we financially afford to give a child with a disability a good quality of life? The honest answer right now? No. Financially, there are times that we struggle. We are actively working on paying things off and decreasing our spending. In preparation for adding another member to our family. However, if we had to worry about extra care, hospital visits, treatments, or special needs - it would be extremely difficult for us. And to me, that’s not fair to a child.

Now, I get that these are all possibilities, "what ifs", and risks that have a lower chance of actually happening. But what if they did? And that is why I’ve stated my desire to stop trying after I turn 37. However, Corey is two years younger than me. And right now, he’s really wanting to have a child. When we go shopping for my nieces and nephew, he always talks about “our child”. And when we started discussing housing options, he always included room for a nursery. Even though he knows anything we do (buy, build, or remodel) won’t be done until next year -well after my self-imposed cut-off date. He doesn’t do this to be cruel, and he’s always agreed with me about not having children after a certain age. He’s just hopeful that it will happen this year.

On the other hand, I have been preparing myself for the opposite. I know I’ve talked about it before; about how sad it makes me. But there’s a finality to this year that’s just so different from past years. I think before there was always that “wiggle room” of hope. But since we've tried for a while now, and it hasn’t happened yet, it makes me think that it won’t. Or if we are just struggling with the conceiving process - we can’t financially afford to do IUI or IVF. That option takes time and money, and we have no local doctors who provide these services either. They are all in the metroplex (1.5+ hours away). Those doctors are also out of network, which leaves us with significantly fewer options.

So here we are. I’ve been trying to lean on God for this. Which I know sounds contradicting to everything I just wrote, because technically these are MY plans, not HIS. I know I'm supposed to trust in HIM. But I’m human, and sometimes that’s hard. So instead, I’ve just been asking for strength. Strength to get through this year - whatever may come. Strength to accept the things I have no control over. I also ask for help in being a good mom to my daughter. I am so, so, so thankful that he gave her to me, and if she’s the only child I get - I’m beyond blessed already. But above all else, I pray for peace because it's desperately needed. I’m so tired of letting the pressure, the disappointment, and the sadness get to me every month. But to let it all go, and allow myself to be okay, I need HIS help. 

"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." 

// Jeremiah 29:11