Hard Things

Lately, I've been feeling really sad when I have no reason to be. Some days I wake up and everything is perfectly fine! I listen to my podcasts. I sing my happy songs. Emery and I pray as we head to school; then I make my way to work. I talk to my sisters for a bit as I start making headway in my daily tasks. Coffee in hand, music playing. I usually get into a pretty good groove. But then, on most days, I start to feel emotional. I feel overwhelmed, sad, resentful, and a little panicked. I find myself wanting to go home and crawl right back into bed. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything, really. And that's when the tears start.

Now, I've been down this road so many times. Depression really has a way of draining you. And while normally I can keep things in check, lately it's been a lot harder. I know what some of my triggers have been this time around. Some of the hard things causing me to feel like my world is crumbling. But even though I know, my brain doesn't seem to get the memo. And so, almost every day at some point, no matter how great it starts off, I find myself in this deep hole of sadness. It becomes really hard for me to get back into a positive headspace and then I take it home. Which I know isn't fair, but at the same time, some of the hard stuff is rooted there. And that can make things feel even more overwhelming to deal with. It's just easier to smile, and nod my head. Go through the motions. But who wants that?  

Recently, I've heard things like, "You're here but you're really not" and "Mom, why do you look so sad? Is everything okay?" And that kind of makes me feel worse. Because it means I'm not really holding things together. I'm not at my best and it's affecting the people I care about. So, it's clear to me that I have to do something. I'm exercising again after a two-week break so I'm hoping that helps. I've started taking Vitamin D again as my gynecologist said I was deficient - again. I've started setting aside a few minutes every day to pray on my own and really lay my heart out there. I've also started journaling once a week to hopefully purge the feelings. And I'm really hoping that all of this helps because lately, I've also been thinking a lot about getting placed back on anti-depressants. While I'm not a fan of how they make me feel after the first two or three months it may be something that needs to happen in order for me to feel better. To be better. To pick me back up again. 

The hope is that I can do this on my own though. While I'm a huge advocate for mental health, therapy, and medications when you need them I also know myself pretty well. Like I mentioned early I know WHAT is triggering me. I know WHY I'm all of a sudden feeling this way. I just can't seem to get my head and feelings on the same page. And in my situation, I know that medication is a band-aid. One that takes the discomfort away, but also leaves me feeling like an empty shell. So, I'm really trying to avoid that. I need to be able to deal with the WHAT and the WHY if I ever want to feel better. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say out of all of this, is that I'm currently going through a bit of a rough patch. And I could really use some prayers and/or good vibes. It's all appreciated. I know I'll be okay and I have some really great people by my side too. In the end, I know that the hard things will pass. Right now, I'm just needing to let this all out. Because putting it out there, and acknowledging that this is real...well, it helps. 💛

Wordless Wednesday

 

Fly Revival // Blessed is She

Last weekend, my sisters and I attended a Blessed is She revival night. Now, we all had to travel a good distance so we were only able to attend one night. But it was completely worth it! It was two hours of praise, worship, confession, and adoration. Nell O’Leary was the guest speaker, and she touched on many ways for us to build our relationship with God. We were all excited to take part in a night like this. And I was practically bouncing as we pulled into the parking lot. We took a few pictures, grabbed our goodies, and made our way into the church.

Now, everyone’s experience is different. And while I was excited about the event I had also been dealing with feelings of turmoil. However, as the introductions began I started to feel calm. But about mid-way through I had a huge jumbled mess of emotions welling up inside. Then as the monstrance came closer to us the tears just began to pour out of me. And that was my cue - I needed to get up and go to confession. So, I made my way to the back of the church to patiently wait for my turn. As I finished up I told the priest, “There’s so much more, but this is all I can say out loud right now.”

Because lately, there’s been a lot on my heart. I feel like I’m breaking a little bit. I feel like some of my prayers are going unanswered because of my choices. I feel like sometimes I’m wasting time, and others like I’m just going through the motions. I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m trying to scream but no one can hear me. And I feel really sad too. While I know depression shows up in my life from time to time this feeling has felt like a completely different kind of sadness. And it’s kind of hard to explain. So, as the night drew to a close, I made a mental note to pray on the thoughts and feelings that surfaced while I sat there in that church. Keep seeking. Keep praying. Keep trying. Keep learning. That’s all I can really do.

Afterward, we were able to make a few purchases and I was able to preview the new planners that BIS is offering. I get the yearly version instead of the academic one so it won't be out until the end of the year. But the highlight of the night for me came in the form of a Franciscan Friar by the name of Fr. Mark-Mary! He’s one of the hosts on the "Poco a Poco" podcast, which I love. This was my very first time meeting a friar, and I got a hug out of it so that was pretty great! We were able to speak with him for a few moments and then take a picture before heading out.

Overall, it was a really great night! I’m happy I was able to experience it with my sisters too. If you ever get a chance to attend one of these events, definitely do so! It was just two hours, which fit really well into our schedule. The atmosphere was welcoming. And it was just wonderful getting to be around other Catholic women. I really hope that they start having more throughout the year because it was a beautiful experience!