Hey There, August...

I decided that I wanted to get a fresh start, with blogging again, in a new month. So, hello August! As I mentioned in my previous post I’ve been dealing with the side effects of stopping my anti-depressants. Last week I had a session with *Mr. A, and as it turns out he agreed that my medication was acting as a roadblock to my progress. He wasn’t too thrilled with my method of choice when it came to stopping, but he did feel that it would allow me to process everything a bit better. The only problem is that now I’m almost four weeks deep and I have this urge to get back on them. Because y’all, feelings are hard little fuckers to deal with sometimes. I actually miss being passive about a lot of things, and not allowing my emotions to get too out of control. I liked the sense of calm, and control that being on medication brought me. I now find myself right back at crying over everything and having all of my emotions kick into overdrive the minute I wake up. It can be sooo frustrating! And there are definitely days when I’m so tempted to just say, “Fuck it” and get right back on those lovely little serotonin inhibitors. Unfortunately, if I ever want to grow, change, forgive, and finally get my shit together then I have to handle things like a big girl. So, it’s been a ride. And I don’t see it being “over” anytime soon. You’ve been warned.

Now, it’s August, so that means school is right around the corner for Em. She’ll be continuing with gymnastics and has decided on a new venture by trying out for swim team. This summer was a bit on the “boring” side, and we had to cancel on our vacation plans recently. So, Em says that she’s ready for school to start because that means she’ll get to hang out with her friends again and pick-up on her lessons. She’s also been really adamant about me dating which was kind of...interesting (for lack of a better word)? I was even sat down one afternoon with the app search results for “dating”, and a list of reasons why she felt I should look into the ones she had checked out. “Mom, this one has almost 5 stars, and it says that it will go based off of your Facebook profile which you already have so it’s super easy!” And while I’m not in a rush to start dating I actually considered creating a profile after the fifth day of being asked, “Have you downloaded an app yet? Did you decide on one?” It actually makes me laugh a little bit. I know Em is just looking out for me, and she wants me to be happy. She’s also mentioned that “already has kids” should be a requirement for anyone I consider dating because if I were to get remarried she wants siblings. So, yes, it all comes from a very good place in her. And I think I’m pretty blessed to have such a caring little girl for a daughter.

Moving right along, there have been a few things that I’ve been trying to work through lately. Things that pertain to me as my own person: my anxiety, love language, self-esteem, parenting failures, and overall goals. Again, feelings are just sooo damn inconvenient at times. I won’t bore you with a lot of the details today, but just know that this month is probably going to be an emotional one. Sorry in advance. I have two sessions lined up with Mr. A and several pages worth of notes I jotted down over the past month that I’d like to explore a bit more on. Can’t avoid this shit forever, right? I’ve also been thinking of adding a few things over here in my little corner of the internet. I’m wanting to talk about some of the podcasts I’ve been listening to lately. Possibly create a series out of it? I’ve thought about bringing up some of the discussions that I’ve seen come up in the online support group I joined. Possibly expanding on those or just giving my two cents? I don’t know. Lately, I’ve just felt some creativity and brainstorming slowly coming back to life in me after several months of nothing. And I don’t want to overdo it, but I know I want to do something. So, we’ll see. Anyway, that’s about it for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! Until the next post, take care. 

📷: source

*Mr. A is how I'll refer to my counselor on here until I can come up with a better nickname. 

Happenings - A Mental Health Update

I had every intention of starting this month off with a solid posting schedule. But then I started to feel really overwhelmed again. I felt like I needed to disconnect and unplug for a little while. Soon after, Emery got sick with a stomach bug for about three days, and of course, it was passed on to me. Before I knew it we were already two weeks into July and I realized just how badly I’d been neglecting this little blog of mine. Thanks for backing that up, Kim. However, on top of being sick, I was also dealing with a really bad case of writer’s block. Brought on by some recent changes. Even now, I honestly feel like I have no words beyond this update, which is super weird for me. The minute I sit down to start writing, or when I go to edit unfinished entries it’s such a struggle to make any kind of progress. Everything goes blank, and I’m left feeling really fucking frustrated. And all that does is make me feel anxious. Which spirals into me feeling like I just can’t get anything right. And that’s when I start to panic. So, instead of letting that cycle startup I just close my laptop and walk away.

About a month ago I started to feel slightly stunted when it came to my "mental health" progress. I felt like I had hit this great big wall. So, I began to read books about life, self-help, verbally abusive relationships, self-image, and codependency. I started to really dive into poetry, podcasts, and Dermot Kennedy’s music. I started attending church regularly and I even started the process of being allowed to receive communion again. This has been something really important for me to achieve. But it wasn't until my last therapy session when I became slightly offended at one of my counselor’s observations that he said, “Think about the ‘why’ behind my observation. How I came to that conclusion. Dig a little bit deeper into the reason behind everything that we’ve talked about today. You’ve almost got it figured out but you’re holding yourself back. You’re so close to that breakthrough I can almost see it. But you close yourself off or ignore the obvious. Now think about ‘why’ you won’t allow yourself to get there.” I walked out of there feeling like my mind was working against me. It was just throwing up these roadblocks left and right which were preventing me from being able to move forward. And so, it was then that I decided - against my doctor’s advice - to *stop taking my antidepressants. 

For an entire week, I went back down to my 20mg dose. And then on the 8th, I stopped taking them altogether. So now, I’m dealing with the effects of coming off of my medication. I’m trying to keep myself in check and so far I think I’m doing a pretty good job. If you know anything about or have ever been on antidepressants yourself then you know that they help to keep you mentally and emotionally balanced. They have a very calming effect too; almost numbing. So, when you stop taking them you have to find other ways to bring that balance and clarity back on your own. And some days or moments can be tougher than others. But this isn’t my first rodeo, y’all. I’ve done all of this before so I know what to expect. I know what signs to look for and what could be considered red flags for me. And even though my doctor wanted me on it for two more months, was completely against me going cold turkey, I let him know what my plan was when I decided to follow through with it. Because of this, I was given an extra refill of my anxiety meds for emergency use only. Did I mention my doctor is actually pretty great and supportive of my goals? And even though I haven’t had to use the script I find comfort in knowing that it's there, like a safety net, if there's an emergency and I really need them. 

So, I feel like this recent transition has played a big part in my lack of motivation. It’s playing a part in my ability to stay focused. It's affecting my thought process which is why I can’t seem to write about anything for a long period of time. And why I leave a lot of things unfinished. It’s played a part in my lack of sleep, and constant body aches. It's basically the same as coming off of drugs. I’ve also caught myself overthinking several things to the point of forgetting what I was originally thinking of in the first place. But I’ve also been feeling things in a more normal way, I think. I don't just float through everything. I’ve also been questioning a lot of things and finally dealing with some stuff that I had been avoiding because I just couldn’t be bothered to “deal with it” before. Thankfully, based on previous experiences, this little limbo usually lasts about a month before everything is completely out of my system. And I usually go back to feeling like my normal non-medicated me again by the end of week three. I’m currently at the halfway point right now. So, there's a light at the end of this muddled tunnel and I'll be glad once I get there.

In the meantime, I've had to put myself first for a bit. Which took the form of inconsistent posts for a little while. It also meant disabling social media accounts to remove unnecessary negativity. And to put a lot of personal things on hold in order to make sure that I’m meeting 100% of my daughter’s needs while also dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that comes with detoxing. And if at any time I decide that it’s best to be back on my medication then that's also a very valid option. Now, this isn't to say that everything has been bad or terrible. It's actually been really great! I've made a lot of progress in other areas of my life that I'm really proud of. Overall, I'm happy, content, and I'm doing things that I like. I've noticed that I smile and laugh a lot more too. Slowly, the weight of everything I've felt on my chest for the past 5+ years is being lifted off of me and I'm so grateful for that. However, what I AM saying is that the aid my medication was meant to provide was starting to taper off. And even though I’ve been diagnosed with depression, my particular diagnosis doesn’t require me to be on medication full-time. For me, antidepressants are like a band-aid meant to help the healing process along. And I finally feel like I'm in a place where I'm ready to move forward with the next step. To take off the band-aid for awhile. It’s time for me to put away the "crutches" and start standing on my own two feet again. So, bear with me while I shake the last bit of fog off, y'all. I'm hoping to be back to posting regularly by next week. Until then, have a great week!  💖

*IF YOU ARE ON MEDICATION PLEASE CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR FIRST BEFORE STOPPING ALTOGETHER. EVERYONE REACTS DIFFERENTLY AND YOUR PRIMARY SHOULD AT LEAST BE INFORMED OF WHAT YOUR PLANS ARE IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY. IF YOU START TO FEEL OFF OR BEGIN HAVING UNUSUAL THOUGHTS PLEASE SEEK HELP RIGHT AWAY, AND RESUME TAKING YOUR MEDICATION UNTIL YOU CAN BE SEEN BY YOUR DOCTOR. 

Wordless Wednesday