I've been looking at the previous posts, and that hurt I felt is still very much present. Only it's ebbed a little. As soon as I was able to I started to see a counselor because I wasn't handling things very well emotionally that first week. I did as my husband had asked which was to give him space, and I struggled to get through half a day without crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I smiled for our daughter. I went through the motions. I took a few days off from work, and during one of those days my mother sat me down to say "If you need help, we'll get you help. Just say the word, and we'll find you someone to talk to. You can't keep this all inside." Before her words even fully sank in I scheduled my appointment. And I've been going ever since.
I've had a great support system throughout all of this which I'm extremely grateful for. I've also learned a lot about myself, and I'm still working through things. So far, I've come to terms with some of the parts that I had a play in when it comes to why things went the way they did in my marriage. I know that there are still plenty of other reasons I have yet to uncover too. But baby steps, right? I've also really, and truly realized that it wasn't all my fault. Some parts were, but not all of it. When I would speak to people about what was going on they'd always tell me, "You know this isn't your fault, right?" I'd nod my head, agree, and just breathe out slowly. Inside was a different story though. I would replay everything, and try to figure out why someone I thought loved me could have so much hate towards me? Obviously, it was me right? There was something wrong with me. If he fell out of love it was because of something I had done, right? What had I done? What did I need to do to fix it? What had I done to deserve this?
As week three rolled around, I slowly realized that I would be okay. I really felt it with every part of me that whatever happened I would come out of it stronger for surviving it. Obviously it was not an ideal situation, and divorce is not something that I wanted. But after leaving my counseling sessions every week I felt like I was chipping away at this huge blackness surrounding my feelings, and invading my thoughts. I was coming home feeling like I was finally constructing a vague/fuzzy outline for how I'd handle what was to come. It was a start. So I continued with the space, and no contact about anything that did not pertain to our daughter. One Friday night I decided I need a distraction so I went to see a band play at a local bar because I had realized that it had been so so long since I had gone to hear a band that I enjoyed. My husband never wanted to go with me to see a band that I liked if they were in town so I just wouldn't go. And even though I was still hurting immensely on the inside I found myself smiling as I sat with one of my sisters and listened to the music. Afterwards, I thought to myself, "You're still here. The world hasn't crumbled. You'll be okay." the entire drive home. And for the first time since he told me about wanting out of our marriage I felt some of the pressure lifting off of my shoulders.Not a lot, but enough to give me s bit of hope.
What I hadn't expected was for my husband to apologize. What I hadn't expected was for him to tell me that the four weeks we've been apart have been miserable for him. That he's seeing now what all he took for granted, and how he was wrong to have blamed everything on me. And I really didn't expect him to tell me that he wanted to work on things in order to give our marriage another chance. But most of all, I didn't expect how hesitant I was to believe what he was saying. Just three weeks before I was being told that I was no longer wanted. And as I begged him to reconsider his decision he had told me "no". So, can you imagine the emotional whiplash that resulted from his words? The confusion, and the doubt. It all clouded my head, and sent me back into this fog I had worked so hard at trying to clear. And still today, I'm not sure how I feel or what to think about all of this.
We mutually agreed to remain separated while we each figure things out. Whether it takes two months, four months, or longer I don't know. We've agreed to take things one day at a time though, and we've agreed on one "date" night a week/weekend. I put that in quotations because those are the nights that we will sit down to talk about how we're feeling, and the direction we're headed. Just to assess where our minds, and feelings are at. This past weekend was our first "date night", and for the first time in what feels like a really long time we were able to talk like civilized people. The discussion never got heated, we each took turns expressing ourselves, and I felt like this was a pretty momentous thing for us. Not just as a couple, but as two individual people. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our time together that evening. It had been forever since we had last had a dinner together and not only talked about the hard stuff, but the daily stuff as well. It felt pretty new again, and I wasn't sure whether that's a good thing or not. I'm conflicted about what these actions really mean, and it's something that I'm currently working through with my counselor. It was nice though, and I hope that things continue to progress in a good/healthy direction.
This in no way means that we will reconcile. We're both aware that in the end this might not work out. There are certain things that I refuse to budge on because they should not be apart of our lives in any way. I made it clear that there were deal breakers, and he also expressed his as well. But so far this has allowed us to communicate, to actively listen to each other, and to be expressive of the things we miss or don't miss about how our marriage was before. We do still have a lot of love for each other, and that's not something that just goes away. Still, regardless of whether we work things out or agree to part ways we want to be amicable about it. I hope that things change, that we get better, stronger. You all know that was my hope from the very beginning. To overcome and be better people for it. But there's no guarantee that this will be the outcome. For now, we're trying. And that's really all I had asked for; to try.
