Burn Out

Things on the marital front are improving. There’s still a lot of things we have to work through and address, but...baby steps. I also have a lot that I need to work on with myself too, just to get into the right frame of mind. They always say you can’t be happy with someone else if you can’t be happy with yourself first. Again, baby steps.

But when it rains it pours. I’m currently trying to figure out why I received a letter from my school stating that I have not been attending a class that I’ve clearly been attending. The letter stated that it was being sent on behalf of my professor's claims, which is weird because I’ve been in contact with him personally. So he knows I’m in his class. Now because of this hiccup, I’ve been put on hold and they’ve stated that I can be dropped from all of my classes, refused readmission into the college, and that I now owe money.

To be honest, it’s all just a blur for me right now. With the way things are at home, and with how burnt out I am on school I almost don’t care at the moment. There’s so much stress coming at me from every direction that I sometimes wonder why I’m voluntarily adding school on top of it right now. I’m not saying I want to quit going or not get a degree, I just feel like I need some time off. I need to get everything else in my life straightened out before I can even concentrate on anything else.

But that would be just another set back. More time added to my finish date. If I withdrawal now, I won’t graduate till Fall 2016/Spring 2017. Emery will be six, and I just don’t know if I’ll have it in me. Not to mention all of the other repercussions with financial aid and my GPA. It’s just a huge mess. I feel like everything is just shifting beneath me and I have no control of the outcome. All I can do is hope, it all works out in the end.

Where We're At Right Now

Okay, so I've struggled on whether or not I should write about this for awhile now. Sometimes I feel like I write too much, on too personal of a level. Other times I feel like, if I were reading my blog I'd be calling "bullshit" a lot just because there's never any conflict or emotion. Not saying our lives should have a lot of conflict in it, it's more like...I need to be real. Staying True. I've always taken pride in myself on being very open and honest, and lately I feel like I've just been sharing the tiny meaningless stuff. I haven't been talking about anything real in my life. 

So here goes. Warning, there will be a lot of "soul pouring", and it gets long. 

Over the past two years, I've grown. A lot. Some say that a lot of the old me is shining through, other people say I've become more of a bitch. Some say I've become more of a "mom", and others say I'm not quite there yet. Some people think I'm better and some people think I'm worse. But through it all, I've never given a shit about what anyone else really thinks of me. I might be all of those things, I might be some, or none at all. I've always had this "I'm not here to please you" attitude (except when it comes to my daughter), and that's something that I've always loved about myself. I may not be pretty, skinny, likable, smart, fluent in 10 different languages, or well rounded. But, I'm honest. Too honest for some. And recently this has also applied to my marriage. 

My (our) story is a rather long one. From the time we met, the year we dated/lived together, finally getting married, and then having our baby girl. Through out it all, I was very different. I was very...submissive. What he wanted, I wanted. What he did, I did. Regardless of the consequences or repercussions. We were in love, and we'd do anything for each other. The man could do no wrong in my eyes. Then I got pregnant, and all of a sudden everything that "we" used to do became everything "he" did. And that's when I saw just how much I had changed MYSELF to be "good enough" for HIM. I didn't argue, I didn't doubt, and I was there by his side through everything. Some people say that's what wives do, and others will straight up tell me I was being stupid. He should want me/love me for who I was before he and I became a "we". I should not have had to change for anyone to like me. 

Then, I gave birth to Emery. One of the most amazing, life changing, reality slaps I've ever had. And that's when I knew that I couldn't be submissive anymore. I know this sounds awful but I kept thinking what if one day my husband decides to leave me? What if he changes for the better, or for the worst? Or maybe one day I'll have had enough and end up being the one to leave? Then what? I'd be left with nothing. A shell of myself, with nothing to my name. That is not what I wanted for myself, for my daughter, and not even for my husband. And maybe that's a sign right there that we didn't think things through when we "dove". Or maybe it's that right there that shows just how devoted we were. Forgoing all else, for each other. Either way, I started making goals for myself. I started going to school. I started getting active again. I started having more of a social life. As much of one as a parent can have. I started dreaming again. Looking towards a future that WE could both be content with having. But somewhere a long the way, our visions got blurred.

As I was building new bridges (small ones, but still new) my husband was burning some of his. He was becoming more withdrawn from everyone, and myself included. While I was becoming a stronger person, he was becoming more resentful. This hasn't been recent either, it's been building for the past two years. When I would try to address something I would get shut down, or it wouldn't even be considered important enough to deserve a reaction. But I held on hope. I kept putting everything off on the timing. "We're both stressed." "We're just going through a rut." "All marriages go through this." "Honeymoon phase is over" "Things will get better." "He'll snap out of it soon." And the list goes on and on. When people would ask: "Well, where's your husband?" or "How are you and Beau doing?" I'd smile and recite the many answers I've given over and over: "Oh well, he had to work.", "Oh, he just got off work so he was too tired to come." or "We're doing great! Every thing's fine."

But at home, things were not okay. We were just co-existing. Our schedules were opposites so that brought our already lack of communication to practically non-existent.We walked on eggshells around each other. We never talked about anything important or significant. Weather, groceries, music. During the week I would already be in bed when he got home, and when I left the next morning he'd be asleep. When we did have time together we spent it in separate rooms, or if I had to run errands in town he never wanted to come with me. Now, the majority of the time he did have to work when we were invited somewhere, but other times he just didn't want to go so he'd stay home. Now, I'm a talker. I have to talk things out. Communication is pretty up there on the list of necessities one needs to keep up a relationship. And mine wasn't having any. I literally felt like a single mom who co-parents. Only the co-parent lived with me and slept on my couch. Yea...not exactly the best relationship.

I finally gave up trying to talk about anything truly important about 8 months ago. I figured he just needed his space and to be oblivious. If that's what he wanted then that's what I'd give him. It was like having a roommate really. I'm sad just looking at that last statement. No matter how cordial we were with each other I could see that we were on a fast track for a melt down. The only question was who was going to crack first. And this past weekend, my husband did. I won't go into details over what happened, but a lot of things were said. Both of us were slightly intoxicated which was already a bad thing. But then things were said, and done that I just could not keep my mouth shut any longer. So, I blew up. The worst part is that our daughter witnessed some of it. The yelling got so heated that we didn't even notice she was standing by the door crying until, she called out to us to stop. And that completely broke me. I literally felt like the shittiest parent in the world. We finally got her back to bed, and reassured her everything was okay. Once she fell back asleep the fighting resumed only it got softer and quieter.

The next day, my husband tried to "sweep it under the rug", and I was having no part of it. Instead I waited till that night when Em was snuggled up in bed to finally bring up the issues once and for all. Bring our skeletons out in full view. And let me tell you, it was not pretty. There are a lot of things that, had they been addressed sooner, we may have been able to get passed. There was a lot of resentment, and selfishness. A lot of disappointment, and annoyances. It was just a lot of bad. And we both agreed that we just couldn't keep going like that. He knows where he stands, what he wants, and what he'd like to do with/about our relationship. But I on the other hand just don't know anymore. There's a lot I have to think about. It's not just me and him anymore, we have to consider what's best for our daughter. Emotionally, I feel like I need to find out what's best for me too. Do we continue this circle, do we keep trying, or do we just........end?

So, that's where we are at right now. We both agreed to take some time to really think about what we want. As of right now there are no plans for a divorce or separation. We're just, taking it day by day. And as you all have probably guessed, it's  definitely a lot more complicated than my six paragraphs could ever possibly cover. I'm just giving you the candy coated, summarized version. But no matter what the outcome is for our marriage, we have a daughter we have to think about. So these issues need to be resolved regardless of whether we stay together or go our separate ways. So for now, we're working on it. 

Answers!

A few months back I started feeling really tired. I’m talking, sleeping through alarms and not being able to run farther than a mile with out feeling really fatigued. No matter how much I exercised, I wasn't getting that “happy, wide awake” feeling as before. Instead I just felt weaker and weaker. My heart rate would be really high after just running a mile. It felt like what I imagine an oncoming heart attack might feel like. My migraines were getting more frequent. My over all mood was usually tired and cranky. I also started noticing that when my cycle came around there was A LOT of it, and it was lasting anywhere from 7-8 days. So, I asked my mom her opinion because she’s had several problems like this before and she told me to ask about it at my next check up.

Fast forward to last month, and I was scheduled to have a check-up so I could be put back on birth control. I let them know how I was feeling, what was going on with my body, and they scheduled me to have tests done. Then the flu hit me. Hard. And all I could do was sleep. If I got up too fast, I would get dizzy and one morning I fainted. I called the doctor and they rescheduled my tests for the next morning.

They confirmed that I had the flu, and a sore throat. I had to give a urine sample, they “checked” my thyroid, and drew blood (I fainted for a few second during that too). Then last week I finally received a call from the nurse about my tests results and she said it was confirmed that I was “highly anemic”. Which translates to my body loosing a lot of blood during my cycle which is causing me to have an iron deficiency. This is why I’m always tired, why anytime I got sick it would be really bad, and why I was getting dizzy all of the time. It’s also the cause of the high heart rate, and “heart attack” feelings when I exercise.

Thankfully, there weren't any cysts in my uterus which was something they considered since my family has a history of them. The doctor told me that being put on birth control should help with my cycle, and I needed to get on a multivitamin ASAP. I need to be careful for awhile, at least a month, when it comes to exercising and sudden movements. I was told that when I feel dizzy I need to slow down. Once I've been on birth control and vitamins for at least a month I should start feeling better. After two months I have to go get tests done again to make sure it’s all helping. If not then they said their could be other things we’d have to look into.

For now, I’m just happy to have a reason as to why I was feeling so tired and irritable. At first I thought I was just burnt out, or maybe even pregnant. I thought maybe I was just making excuse for myself when I felt like I couldn't push myself any farther. But now I know it’s not in my head, it’s my body. The best part is that I can fix it and go back to feeling normal. I've grown so tired of the headaches. I’m tired of feeling TIRED. And I've been dying to go for a long run for over a month now. I finally went for one on Sunday, but again I wasn't able to make it that far. Still, I'm grateful that I now have answers. And now I know what I need to do to get back to feeling better. :)