Body Image & Why I Can’t Help But Hate Mine

Body Image. Man, I really hate those two words. I have such a negative view of my own body, that any time someone says “you must love your body”, I hold back the urge to gag and slap whoever it is that’s telling me this across the face. How dare they?! They have NO idea what I am going through! They have no idea how my thoughts work! And maybe sometimes they do, and then I get mad because they aren’t as disgusted with their own bodies, as I am with mine. Yes, I know this is awful, negative, and unhealthy but I can’t help it!

When I was younger, all I WANTED was to be this skinny girl with perfect hair and perfect clothes, and for Pete’s sake would it kill a BOY to find interest in me!? As I got older, I was a bit more rebellious, I had bigger boobs than most girls in my class so I started “covering” up. And by that, I mean I started dressing more like a boy. LOL! T-shirts, jeans, chucks. I still didn’t find myself pretty or skinny, but I worked out CONSTANTLY! I may not have been skinny, but I sure as hell was NOT going to get bigger. Looking back on those days now, and I have no idea WHAT I was thinking?? Anywho, California happened and I screwed up. I stopped exercising as much because I was working two jobs. I got high, so I was EATING a good amount more (and with all those fast food places RIGHT around the corner, my toughest decision was “Where do I go eat tonight?” Not good.

Fast forward to moving back to Texas, then getting married, and finally pregnancy. My weight went up and down CONSTANTLY throughout those three years!! Now, I love my daughter and I wouldn’t trade her for the world! To be honest, I’d do it all over again if I could. But, those nasty stretch marks left behind...I DO NOT CARE FOR. That gross flap of FLAB that dangles from my midsection is repulsive. And because of all of this, I just can’t love my body. I hate it. Those stretch marks on my thighs, buttocks, and midsection are awful, huge, and DEEP! I used “Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, and TUMMY balm” the ENTIRE time I was pregnant. And at first, I only gained three marks on my belly from losing weight so fast than the last three months of pregnancy totally did me in. My entire stomach and sides were covered. It will take LASER REMOVAL to get rid of them! And that’s money, I don’t have! That’s money that I could never spend on myself because I have a CHILD or DEBT that need it more.

I see loss in these marks. I know it’s stupid but, I fear that if they don’t eventually go away that I will no longer be “appealing” to my husband. Not to mention my sex drive has gone WAY down too. My husband is nice about it, but I can tell that it bothers him a bit more than he lets on. I used to be adventurous, and I was always ready to fool around. Now, I can’t even really do anything unless my shirt stays on and that’s even IF I allow myself to get that far. And this change in me, due to the marks, the lack of self-esteem has me a bit annoyed. I’m bothered that I let this get to me so bad. I should be proud. I should wear these marks with pride! They mean that I gave birth. That I brought a soul into this world. They stand for motherhood and all the joys that come with it. So why, do those things still not bring me comfort? Why am I still so upset about them? 

This is one of those things I have to overcome. I have to accept myself, how I am. But who knows when that will be…

Harps Grocery Store

So, apparently last night there was a shopper, JennHudd, that tweeted out this photo she took at Harps, a grocery store in Mountain Home, Arkansas. Apparently US Weekly's cover shot of Elton John, his partner, and baby is just too shocking for children. They claim that several customers complained about this cover, and so it was "censored". Now, Harps has over 60 locations in Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Missouri and all of a sudden everyone is protesting them by calling in and complaining. Last I had heard, Harps took the covers off...

I, as a parent, would have to support the store in their decision to cover the magazine. But also, I think that EVERY racy cover tabloid or magazine should be censored. We parents know the difference between right and wrong. We have all had different (or the same) beliefs and morals taught to us. Then again, some of you may not have had anything. Either way, we are adults. We make our own decisions, and we instill these beliefs and morals to our children. Whether it be to hate people of color or different religions. Or whether it be to not follow an organized religion. Some of you believe in gay marriage, some don't. Some believe that there is no other right way besides their own religion, some don't. Some of you believe that sex is just something you do to populate the world! Others believe that virginity is the most important thing, and should only be given up on your wedding night. These are just a few of many things we as parents decide on whether or not to teach our children about! And some of the few beliefs that we teach our children. 

Now the point is, we are all different!! We all grew up differently. We all believe differently. We all parent differently! But just like everyone complains about how this "censor" is wrong, stores should respect the customers that are complaining as well. Or what? Do they not count? Just because they don't agree with being "out and proud" or "same-sex marriages/families" they don't get a say in anything? We have to consider everyone's point of view on this. And if you don't have a problem with your kids seeing this stuff, then take the magazine out and purchase it, or show your child. And some of you say "Well, why does it even have to be hidden in the first place?" Well, maybe because not everyone shares your same belief! Just because you accept it does not mean that the person standing next to you does! So if not everyone can agree, why not put the cover over the magazine? Let the customer chose what they will or will not allow their families to see. It's called COMPROMISES people!!

I personally don't want my daughter seeing any of those magazines. Whether it be same-sex couples or some girl in a tiny bikini. She's still only just 11 months, BUT I feel that her growing up seeing those things or even reading the magazines at such a young age would start to push her into a certain direction that I don't want her going. Materialism, experimentation, eating disorders, and low self-esteem. I will teach her tolerance and acceptance because God tells us to LOVE everyone. BUT, I refuse to tell her that it is right. And that is my choice! You can hate on me all you want, but I have friends that are gay or lesbians and I love them. I have had some of my greatest times with them! But, not once have I agreed with their lifestyle choice. And they still LOVE me regardless of my opinion. ACCEPTANCE! 

Now, I want to teach my daughter our beliefs and then when she is old enough to make decisions for herself can she start making her own choices about them. If she decided that my way is not for her, or that she does not agree with our beliefs any longer then I won't stop her from branching out. I won't stop her from reading or being curious about other things. At that point, I can only help guide her and pray for her. But that is a good while from now I hope...

Lately (by that I mean the past couple of years), it seems like the less clothes the better. The more flamboyant the person the better. The more screwed up the person, the better! Especially with everyone being more open, liberal, and with people wanting more drama and scandal than anything else! It is making it hard for magazines to NOT go in that direction. So when it's published and you see it in magazines at the grocery store, it makes it harder for parents who don't want their children seeing these things to keep them from seeing it. Magazines, books, movies, TV shows, ads, commercials! It's EVERYWHERE! Therefore, it means I will have to start dealing with these issues A LOT sooner than I should. And being a mom, this is frightening to me. 

So, I would like to just say thank you to Harps Grocery store for trying to respect the customers that complained. Thank you! There are very few stores out there that would have done this. And to the customers or people that DON'T agree with the cover being taken off, and feel that it should be kept on. CALL THE STORE AND RESPECTFULLY PUT IN YOUR COMPLAINT. Tell them you want the censorship back or boycott the store itself. DO NOT let people make you feel as if your voice does not count, just because you don't agree with them!

Blog Writers Block

Ahhh!! It has been a while since I've written and I apologize. Things have been really crazy lately. My new job, all of my new year's resolutions, a sick baby, and my husband's new job have left very LITTLE time to write (-ahem- type). So I shall do a brief catch up post:

1. My new job rocks! It has been a bit slow at the office, but things are picking up. My manager and the owners are such lovely people, that it's hard thinking anyone could ever work for someone like my old boss. Tyrant! Things have been moving forward, smoothly. I am very grateful! I thank God every time I pass by my old workplace for getting me out of it.

2. My husband got a job! We have been praying for this!! As much as he loves staying at home with our daughter, he also felt as if he was not contributing to our family the way he should. He would get restless and then all down in the dumps. But there were no job openings for a very long time. He was due to go out of state for a job, but it would only be for two months. THEN, this opportunity arose. After weighing our options, he decided to take the job. It is closer to home, full time, and it means a steady paycheck! It is going to help out SO much in getting our debt paid off and that is exactly what we need right now! Again, THANK YOU, GOD!

3. New Years Resolutions SUCK! Yes, they really do. I'm a bit overwhelmed with all of them, but mainly the one that has me back into my skinny jeans. Uggh! I fall off the bandwagon CONSTANTLY! I'm doing this by counting calories on My Fitness Pal. I used to use LoseIt!, but they were limited on items and brands. Anywho, I was on this great streak for like 3 weeks, and then my monthly cycle came, and it went all downhill from there. I started going OVER my budget. Then with it being COLD, I stopped running as much. I thought about doing workouts indoors, but I've been getting home late, and my lunch breaks have been getting cut short because it's starting to pick up. So, I've barely had any time to do anything. Anyway, I had gone down from 183 lbs. to 170 lbs. Now, I am back up to 175 lbs. And then, I received this "warning" on my calorie counter that said if I went to many days UNDER my calorie budget that my body would kick into "starvation mode". Meaning it would start to get hungry A LOT. Causing me to gain weight instead of losing it. UGH!! I just want this belly fat GONE! But I honestly have very little willpower. And seeing pictures of my "old self" are so discouraging. Boooo! No fun. No progress.

4. Cold/Flu Bug. Everyone is sick! My entire family (with the exception of me –which is weird-) is sick or just now getting over being sick. Emery is just now getting over it. She's been miserable! She had fevers, congestion, runny nose, and a really bad cough. We are without insurance, and her doctor has YET to call me back to let me know if they have an opening to see her. She's pretty much over it now though. Then, add the fact that she's teething (bad) and it has not been good times in the Rosenbalm household lately. Thank goodness it is almost over with, I hope...

Not much else has happened. I am trying to start (slowly) a habit of getting up early and being more prepared. Even more "presentable". BUT, that's not going over too well with my sleeping habit. I love sleep! I know, I need to suck it up and start being better and more "on the ball" about things, but really? I am just flat out lazy right now. It snowed a tiny bit yesterday morning, and I was all excited! By 3 pm it had stopped and there was no sign of it coming back. Sad day. Today it's all sunny but cold. Tricked me. I'm so ready for spring to roll in. Running works so much better when your throat doesn't burn from sucking in cold air. Hmmph! I need to do some spring cleaning as well! Can't do that in 20-30 degree weather!   

Hope everyone is doing peachy! Leave me some LOVE!