Ruin Your Life

Recently, someone told me that women like me, who are divorced and have children, weren't considered "good enough" when it came to looking for a partner. We weren't considered to be a "good fit" for those that hadn't already been through the same thing we had. In other words, other divorced individuals. I was also informed that it was seen as a failure on our part to not have been able to keep a marriage; a husband. And I was also told that some people out in the world think that we couldn't possibly have anything else to offer but problems. That we were considered to be drama and trouble. Subsequently, it would only be a matter of time before we'd ruin our "new" partners' life. And because of this, it would always be recommended that I be kept at a distance. 

“A woman like you would ruin my life. Nothing good would come of it; just drama and trouble.”

Now, at first, I sat there a little stunned. "Wait...what??" I mean, I totally get that dating someone who is divorced with children isn't for everyone. Yea, we come with a little extra baggage and possibly in need of a little extra care. But where the hell in this "Who to Avoid When Dating" handbook, that I've never seen before in my life, did it say that we weren't "good enough" because we had gone through a divorce? Can someone tell me who made up this rule and can I please see some facts to back up these claims? After the conversation was over I kind of just laughed it off. "Haha! Yup, we're totally crazy and undateable." I went back to my snacks and unpaused the Netflix show I had been watching. It wasn't until two days later that I realized I had actually felt hurt by what was said. I had already thought some pretty negative things about myself after my divorce, like being damaged goods and unloveable. Destined to die alone with my dogs. And here were all of those negative things being said out loud. To my face. Clearly, I had been correct in my negative outlook if others were thinking the same damn things, right?

That afternoon as I started on my workout I actually got really pissed off. Perks of being an overthinker. I was running laps and doing bleachers in order to process everything that was currently bouncing around in my head. During each break, I'd feel myself growing even more irritated. "How dare someone think they're above me just because I got a divorce!" *running up the bleachers* "They don't even KNOW me. They don't know what I went through." *running down the bleachers* "They don't know how hard I tried! Or what kind of person I am." *jogging back to the starting line* "I'm a good fucking person. I'm still salvageable." *repeat* By the end of the workout I was very exhausted. Both physically and mentally. I knew that those opinions were coming from the mouths of very close-minded people. I knew that the person repeating them wasn't meaning to be hurtful. But it still caused me to questions myself. It still caused me to slightly slip back into focusing on my flaws. On the negative that I tend to let overpower me. And it took about ten rounds of bleachers and one hell of a conversation with my sister-in-law to finally snap out of it. I started thinking more and more about why this person was so wrong about me. Sure, maybe I hadn't made all of the right decisions in life. Maybe I did get married too young? But I walked away AFTER I had tried everything. If someone out there looks at my daughter and only sees her as "baggage", well then, they're definitely not the kind of people I need in my life. They're also missing out on getting to know one hell of a kid! And if I were actively looking to date someone then I think I still have quite a bit to offer. 

You see, I'd like to think that I'm a fairly decent person. That I'm a pretty good mom. "Bestest Ever," according to my daughter. I love to read, watch movies, dance, and have long conversations. I'm always down to go hiking, camping, or road tripping. Bring on the adventures! I enjoy going out or spending time with my family and friends. I like to climb up onto my daughter's trampoline in order to stargaze at night. I also like to sit on my porch, coffee in hand, as a storm rolls through. I like being able to dress up from time to time, but I love to dress down even more. I have a pretty big heart when it comes to the people and things in my life that I care about. I'm a very loyal person and truly dedicated. I've been told that I tend to nudge people out of their comfort zones, but in a good way. Bringing them out of their shells. I've heard that my personality tends to be on the bouncier side but you have to get past the "RBF" in order to see it. I definitely have these flares of drama in my reactions but that's the extent of the drama that I want in my life. This is why I'm adamant about having an amicable and healthy relationship with my daughter's father. I'm also a fairly independent person and a hard worker. Pretty low maintenance with the exception of my monthly nail salon visit. Which I budget for and pay on my own. And I'm not looking for someone to financially take care of me because I do just fine on my own. 

So, when it comes to a partner, I would want someone who added to my life. To my daughter's. A partner who wanted to be with me because I added to theirs. And if someone out there thinks that all of this translates over to me being the kind of woman who would ruin a life because of my past, then so be it. You're wrong though. I understand that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea and that's okay. But I'm done allowing other's assumptions of who I am hurt me. I know that I'm worthy of a lot of good. Some kindness, love, and a second chance. And if someone out there can't see that, well with all due respect, FUCK 'EM.