The Future Caught Up With Me

I've been a little frustrated lately. This semester is almost over, and even though I said I was taking a break, it looks like I may end up taking a summer class after all. I’ve already signed up for a class, and now I’m just waiting to hear about my financial aid. It looks like I won’t be getting as much help as I did last year so if that holds true till fall when I have to reapply for aid then there’s a chance my whole “transfer plan” might be set back a semester or two. I refuse to take out a student loan because I don’t want to owe money once I finish school so I’m forced to work with what they give me.

Along with that news I also received an email from an advisor at our local university that left me even more confused about my future transfer. So for now I’ve just been trying to focus on getting myself through these last two weeks in order to enjoy a few weeks off before classes start again. That being said, these “set backs” have really thrown me for a loop. I’ve spent these last few days really looking at my life. I feel like I’m seeing it for the first time through a completely different point of view and it hasn’t been pretty.

If you would have told me at 16 or 17 that this is where my life was headed I probably would have laughed at you, and then threw some obscenities in your direction. Not because I didn’t want to be married or have a kid, because those were ALWAYS things that I wanted for my future, but because at that time my future was a long ways away. I had PLENTY of time to think about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had plenty of time to decide what I wanted for my future. And until that time came, I was just going to live life and enjoy my teenage years.

Here I am, 24 years old, with no plan. I’m still just as clueless as to what I want for my life as I was eight years ago. I always imagined myself having it more together than this. I always imagined myself loving my job, having a five member family by 28, and having our own home. I’ve always pictured myself living a life somewhere besides where I grew up. Being more involved, and making a much bigger difference in the world.

But nothing has turned out the way I imagined. Some things are a thousand times better than what I pictured, and some aren’t at all what I expected. But here I am. And the time is getting closer for me to put on my big girl panties and figure this shit out. With such high stakes, and with my actions affecting more than just me now, I can only hope that I make the right decisions.