Old Writtings- Baby Brother

Ok, so when I have these ideas for topics to write about, or if I randomly think of something I'd like to share on my blog I write it in my email and save the draft. Well, some of those posts sometimes end up staying there. So today, I was cleaning out some of those posts when I came across one that I did about my brother! It was on 12/15/2010, and I decided to post it on here because I truly love my little brother. He's awesome, even when I'm wanting to beat the everliving crap out of him!! LOL! And here it is:

I have a fear of losing my brother.

Emotionally

Ever since we were kids, I looked after my BABY brother. I beat kids up for him. I taught him how to pick his outfits, and what badass music was. I did his hair for school, and I even played “pretend war” with him. I packed his backpack every night, read him books, and helped him with homework. My pride and joy; being the protector. The caregiver. The big sister.

Then we got older and overnight he was taller than me, handling his own battles, doing his own hair, choosing his own clothes, and no longer playing “pretend war”. But we got along, and our interests kept us close. People actually thought that because we got along so well, that our relationship was more than brotherly/sisterly. That boiled our blood. (We called people out on it, but no one ever owned up to starting the rumor.) But we were raised to love each other. We always hugged! And if we fought we had to hug and kiss each other's backs (that happened only once). So we felt that just because everyone else didn’t get along with their own family, that didn’t mean we had to be the same way with ours. Then, I started partying/drinking and it seemed like the roles switched. All of a sudden he was taking care of me! He was making sure no one took advantage of me, threatening anyone who even THOUGHT of hurting me, and driving my drunk ass home. He saved me, from me. But not once did he tell me that he was the “big brother”. He let me think that all of the ideas were mine. Not once told me I was wrong.

Next, I moved away to California. And I spoke to him pretty much EVERY day. He had shaved his head, grown a beard, and was dressing the exact opposite of how he had been when I was at home. He was living his own life. Making his own decisions, and doing his own thing. BUT he was still the same funny, down to earth, anime watching, loveable, and carrying BABY brother. I could totally add to that list of attributes because trust me it goes on and on, but you guys would fall in love and he’s already taken. Sorry! But anywho, he had changed and was now on his way to becoming his own person. On his path to becoming a man.

Now, I’m back home and my brother is living BETWEEN homes. Sometimes he stays with us, and others (most of the time) he stays with his girlfriend. –Ahem- Kim, you bee-otch, BRING HIM BACK!! Or at least make him come visit during the week, GEES! Now, back to my point- He’s always close by, but recently, I haven’t gotten to see him as often. The little twirp never comes by (only on weekends)!! And my role as the big sister is FADING....fast! Actually, I think it’s pretty much gone he just lets me THINK that it’s still there.... sometimes... when he’s feeling generous. Maybe. 

So, I feel as if we’ve grown apart. Like we are really, officially, our own people. That sibling empathy and that bond we had defended constantly seems to have faded. We used to do everything together! Movies, going out to eat, hanging out at Hastings or Wal-Mart! Even just being at home listening to records (yes, vinyl records) while laying on the living room floor talking. I know that we are growing up and starting our lives, but some part of me can’t help but feel as if this is our OWN fault. We could be just as close as ever if we took the time. We could still have that psychic “I know what independent film you want to watch without you saying a word” ability. But, we are now our own people, with our own lives, and we don’t set aside time to keep those “traditions” alive. We don’t seem to have the time these days. And now that my brother is finally a man, with his own future wife, there is no need for that bond we had, because he gets THAT and more from her. And that’s OK! I get the same from my husband. But, I still miss him. I miss my baby brother. I miss our friendship.

Physically

I remember the day that Niselda, my cousin, died. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out and my throat had closed. My heart was broken and I was no longer breathing. I cried for months; still do sometimes. But, I couldn’t possibly imagine what Nasalia, her sister, felt. That hurt and sorrow. That anger, and that despair. That light being taken, and replaced with a huge hole. A hole that could never be filled. I could imagine these things, but only if I had gone through it myself could I ever truly comprehend those feelings.

Lately, I’ve been having dreams of my brother dying. Two dreams every week, for the past 6 weeks, each one different than the one before. I’ve chalked it up to them being about my fear of losing this bond that we have. But the dreams are still, VERY real. And each time, I wake up feeling as if he’s really gone. I literally have to convince myself that it was a dream. Talk myself back to reality, if you will. And it hurts. Those feeling of helplessness, excruciating pain, and loneliness that hit me all at once, as soon as I open my eyes, is so real. I’ve woken up a few times crying. That weight and dread coming off my heart as soon as I realize it WAS just a dream, is such an indescribable kind of happiness and relief. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost him..? I don’t know how I’d function, or how I could ever get that “light” back into my heart. My brother is my rock. The one who can smack me back into reality. The one who can straight up tell me when I’m being an idiot, and it be ok. He’s been one of my best friends. Sometimes, I look up to him.    

I can’t imagine my life without my brother in it. I can’t see us not each having a couple of children and watching them grow up together. Us arguing over who’s got more grey hair. Having family gatherings. Still fighting over Alien vs. Predator (Alien won, for sure!). I just can’t see him not being here. So, as you can imagine these dreams have been freaking me out! And I’ve felt fear. I almost want to pick up the phone and call him each time I wake up from these dreams just to make sure he’s ok. But, knowing him, he wouldn’t answer and I’d assume the worst and freak out. Not once considering the fact that it’s 2 o’ clock in the morning and he’s probably passed out, trying to get as much sleep as he can before having to wake up at 4:30. But then, if he did answer, and he found out the reason for my calling, oh man I’d get it. LOL! Not right away, but later that day, I’d get a “Psht, THAT’S why you called me? Because of a dream? You woke me up from my deep, much needed, slumber BECAUSE OF A DREAM?!?! RAQUEL!!! What the crap?!?! I’m not answering the phone at that hour again!” So I don’t even attempt those phone calls. I know better.

I know that we all die. It’s inevitable. But being taken too soon is something that always gets to me. And I pray every night for my family’s protection. Because I have that fear. Like I stated in my previous post, I’m afraid of not being vigilant enough with my daughter. And that, that mistake might one day cost me. I’m constantly afraid of my husband up and leaving me. Afraid that one day (especially with OUR pasts) that someone might hurt him, or worse. But more on those topics at another time. I’m just scared. Again, I feel that these dreams are more like my minds reflection/interpretation of my fears. So, I’m trying to put it aside. The dreams still freak me out, and I guess they will continue until I settle this conflict within myself.

My baby brother is no longer a baby. He knows right from wrong (more so than I do). He can take care of himself. He can make his own decisions. He has and will live his own life. And I have to learn to let go.

I'm glad to report that Kim did bring him back, lol! We do get to see each other a lot more. The dreams have stopped, and I have let go! I'm good with knowing that we are going to take different paths in life and that we aren't children anymore. We are living our own lives, and no matter what we will always have those memories! Those times made us who we are today. It's something that we'll show our own kids. To love each other and never take each other for granted. Our bond will never be completely severed, it's just more of a "grown" bond. Beau can't take it away, and neither can Kim. But we each love our significant others more and differently, you know? It's our time to start on our own. I'm sure Kim can take care of him and protect him as well as I ever could, so I'm passing the torch on to her. 

So Kim, take care of him ok? And when he says his bones hurt, make him slow down and not push himself so much. Force him if you have to! LOL! Make sure he doesn't stay up too late either, because then he has a problem staying up during the day, and I know a few times that he's almost fallen asleep at the wheel! Bad, bad, bad! And just know that my brother loves you! We all love you (never doubt that), and I'm just waiting for the day that I get to go ring shopping with him!! LOL! But never feel bad for setting a bitch straight when she thinks she can get in the way of that, ok? You have my number if you need a truck and shovels. :-D 

Love, 

Your Future Sister-In-Law