What Now?
Friday, February 22, 2019
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. Not in a negative way necessarily. I’ve been trying to dissect certain moments in life. I’ve been wondering about how things would have turned out had I made other choices. And I’ve been evaluating what qualities I like in others. In myself. I’m trying to make sense of where I’m at right now, and what I want for the future. Which, if I’m being honest, the future kind of freaks me out. Sometimes, I find myself sitting in my car staring at the wall of my carport in confusion. Because, what the fuck? How did I even get here in life? Before I had these roles: a loving mother and wife. Though I may not have excelled at either, I tried my best. I actually think I’m rockin’ the whole mom thing, but that’s just my opinion. Either way, there was a plan. A somewhat clear picture of what I hoped my life would turn out like. But now I find myself at a point where one of those titles has been stripped away. Which was a really long drawn out, and weird experience for me. You'd think I'd had enough time to process, right? So, now that everything has changed, finalized, I find myself constantly asking myself, “What now?”
Half of the time I just feel a bit lost. I feel like I’m going about my day in this routine because it’s what I’ve always done. I feel sad on some days, and to be honest a bit lonely. Though, I think these are both good things. Positive things. It’s forcing me to acknowledge that my life is truly different now. That I need to be okay with being alone too. Whether I accept that or not, well, that’s still to be seen. But I believe it’s progress. For a long time now I’ve been stuck in this cycle of sorts and it’s about time that I start moving forward. At the moment, I’m just trying to adjust as much as possible to what our new normal will be like. I’m trying to process all of my emotions in a healthy way. With running, and meditation. I vent to my sister-in-law, who’s probably sick of me repeating myself, but she’s always there to listen. Thank you, Kim. I talk to my mother about how I feel and lean on her for support when I start to feel low. Or when I find myself in need of some retail therapy. Thank you, Mom. I just never imagined that my future would have this great big question mark staring me down. And for once, I can honestly say that I have no clue what’s next for me. Which has actually been really eye-opening? And a little scary. I mean, have I really been floating through life just...existing? Do, I really not have anything that’s unique about me? Aside from being a mother what the hell do I want out of life? How do I see myself, aside from being a parent? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What do I like? What do I want for myself? The honest answer to most of those questions is, “I don’t know.” And I find that a bit troubling.
Half of the time I just feel a bit lost. I feel like I’m going about my day in this routine because it’s what I’ve always done. I feel sad on some days, and to be honest a bit lonely. Though, I think these are both good things. Positive things. It’s forcing me to acknowledge that my life is truly different now. That I need to be okay with being alone too. Whether I accept that or not, well, that’s still to be seen. But I believe it’s progress. For a long time now I’ve been stuck in this cycle of sorts and it’s about time that I start moving forward. At the moment, I’m just trying to adjust as much as possible to what our new normal will be like. I’m trying to process all of my emotions in a healthy way. With running, and meditation. I vent to my sister-in-law, who’s probably sick of me repeating myself, but she’s always there to listen. Thank you, Kim. I talk to my mother about how I feel and lean on her for support when I start to feel low. Or when I find myself in need of some retail therapy. Thank you, Mom. I just never imagined that my future would have this great big question mark staring me down. And for once, I can honestly say that I have no clue what’s next for me. Which has actually been really eye-opening? And a little scary. I mean, have I really been floating through life just...existing? Do, I really not have anything that’s unique about me? Aside from being a mother what the hell do I want out of life? How do I see myself, aside from being a parent? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What do I like? What do I want for myself? The honest answer to most of those questions is, “I don’t know.” And I find that a bit troubling.
What I am certain of is that I need to figure all of this out. I need to keep asking the hard questions. I need to continue to explore myself. Because there has to be more. I can’t keep staying in one place, repeating a cycle, for fear of what the future holds. And I can’t continue being scared of what I might find at the end of all of this. I need answers of my own. I need to know who I am apart from everyone else, and I plan to do just that.
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