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We're Going to Be Okay

I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put the last couple of days into words. I feel completely terrified as I write this. There are so many emotions that I'm feeling, and they change by the hour. And I honestly have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring. What I thought was going to happen, or at least how it started out originally, was completely misleading. That shift that I've talked about before finally happened, and it hasn't been an easy pill to swallow. In fact, I still feel very drained. Sure. But drained. I felt this urge to write about what's been going on because I needed to pour it out. However, I've written so many different versions over the past 48 hours that I wasn't sure which one I should post. I have the nice version, this version, the not so nice version, and the "I'm totally fine" version too. I actually scheduled one, drafted it, rescheduled it, and then drafted it again. It's as if putting this out there would make it real. This was actually happening. And to be honest with you I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. Right now I just feel numb. So, here goes nothing. 

On Wednesday of last week I asked for a separation with the intention of getting a divorce. That sentence still feels really weird to think. Even more strange to say out loud. Which is why I could count the people I've told on one hand before publishing this post. I feel like I knew this was going to happen, and yet I didn't at the same time. It makes sense in one way, and yet feels so foreign in another. And to be honest I'm still pretty scared. Probably not for the reason you're thinking though. I'm completely heartbroken at the turn this has taken. I feel really damn lost, and even with all the clarity I thought I had I still have a crap ton of confusion circling through my heart. But I know I'm making the right decision. Before I came to it though I told myself that I needed to be completely certain. I had to make sure that I had done everything in my power to try making things work. I also told myself that I needed to make sure that all of the "reasons" weren't just in my head. That the unhappiness, and the uncertainty weren't just a side effect of nitpicking. Of trying to find a reason. Things had been stressful, and money has been super tight. I didn't want these feelings to be a by product of all that stress, and anxiety being built up. Sadly, at the beginning of last week I found out about some things that I'm not really ready to talk about yet, but they gave me the push I needed. 

It's safe to say that I finally felt that shift click into place. After finding out a few more things I just knew that I couldn't go through this again. It was time to stop this roller coaster, and get the fuck off. At first, I said he was welcomed to stay in our shared home until he could find his own place. I even offered to work over time, and take out some extra money in order for him to put down on an apartment. I wanted to work together on this because I love him. But then on Saturday, when I woke up to a handful of other discoveries, I immediately took our daughter to my parents house. I called his family, demanded some answers (which I never got), and after a few hours I asked him to leave that same day. I wanted needed a divorce. Then I waited for him to pack up his things before handing over the car keys. He left with some really hurtful words, and not before breaking several things inside our home. Once he started backing out of the driveway I got into my vehicle, and I cried the entire time I drove away. I felt like everything inside was shattering, and I knew there was nothing else I could do. This was really...truly...the end. 

I'll dive into more of the specific at a later time. Right now, I'm still processing it myself. But I am determined to handled this better than our first separation. Back then I had no idea what I was going to do, or what had set everything off so suddenly. I spent a lot of time grieving, and I cried so much. I was handed shock after shock, and I allowed myself to get caught up in him. I was utterly devastated, and heartbroken in every possible way. Now, I'm not saying that I'm not feeling those same things now. I just feel stronger this time, or more sure of my capabilities. I'm not letting my emotions lead the way either. Instead I just try my best to get through each day as best as I can. I smile, and I go about everything normally. For my daughter as much as for myself. I refuse to crumble like I did before. Sure I've had my weak moments. Moments when I panic, and ask myself if I'm doing the right thing. Moments when I hurt so badly inside because this wasn't how we were supposed to end. We were supposed to get passed all of the bullshit, and grow old together. Moments when I tell myself that I'll regret breaking up my family. And I admit that I allow myself to give into those little moments by having myself a good cry. But then I tell myself that I'm doing what I need to do in order to protect my daughter. I'm doing the best thing that I can do in our situation, and that's what matters. So, we're going to be okay. No matter what happens next, we're going to be okay. We have an amazing support system. We have stability. And we're going to get through this.

Wordless Wednesday